There’s something pretty troublesome about the kind of mom who treats her own kids as though they’re there to inflate her ego and reflect on her perfect image, rather than young people with minds and feelings of their own.
This is meant to be the person you go to when the world feels like a scary place. You look for reassurance.
You trust her. She celebrates you and loves you, even if you’ve had a bad day or made a mistake.
A mother is not the kind of person who does these sick things to her own children, unless she is a narcissist.
1Treats them like they’re competition instead of her own children to celebrate
Why would a mother do this? She is raising children to believe that they are always up against her, rather than just a person who gets to live a life and celebrate being themselves.
A healthy mother will be proud of her kids, and not hesitate to show them off. If they start to gain confidence, it’s a beautiful thing to see in your child.
Why should a narcissistic mother feel threatened by that?
Because the child is starting to shine, and she doesn’t like their personality getting bigger.
A toxic mom is only comfortable if her kids are kept shrunk in character.
2Makes her children feel guilty just for having needs
A guilty child? Just because they’re unwell and need some attention?
It’s not an unreasonable demand to be there for your child if they need you, as they ultimately will do at points in their life.
“You’re so dramatic!”
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Actually, no. The child is being bullied, or has had a bad day at school and needs a hug and some open ears to listen with. They don’t need a mom rolling their eyes and telling them how needy they are.
This is narcissism, and it stings.
As if the child isn’t struggling enough already!
3Love becomes a reward for good behavior
“You did well, I will treat you.” “Who do you think you are?” “All I do for you!”
Or worst of all… silence just because she is disappointed in her child.
Moms don’t do this, narcissistic moms do.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
The child never really knows which version they’re going to get, and so they learn to live and read their mother and wait to get cues from them.
Good behavior is chased, because they know that love follows. They believe they have to live a perfect life, otherwise they will get the bad side of the parent who should be loving them regardless.
Children should feel safe with their parents, and I find it sad that love is not freely available.
4She leans on her children for emotional support
Oh boy. What a heavy way to live your life, and to rely on your children to suddenly be adults when you need them to be?
I find that weird, when so often narcissistic moms do all they can to keep their children shrunk and small, and yet when it comes to problems, they expect their children to be emotionally and readily available for all her issues.
No child wants or needs this, but they learn to fit that role if it means mom is happy.
Prioritizing her needs shouldn’t be on their schedule for any day.
5She humiliates her children, then brushes it off as a joke
See also12 Things That Happen When You Leave a Narcissist
I hate seeing this, and sadly, I’ve seen it more times than I’d care to admit.
A narcissistic mom belittling her children, and then claiming it was in jest.
“Come on, lighten up.” “Mom was kidding, God!” “Can’t you even take a joke now?!”
Never mind the fact that the joke was about the child’s weight, or how they scored in their latest school test. The friends they keep, their personal insecurities, the way they look; anything and everything.
What child should laugh along to any of this if they’re hurting? The expectation is there though, and the narcissistic mother is waiting for them to fall in line and play the game.
When they don’t, it’s their problem.
6She rewrites history in order to make herself the victim
History will change, and the child will be confused as to why events seem to be skewed.
It takes a lot of courage for a child to speak up about something that hurts them, or isn’t right. The last thing they need or want is to be corrected, or denied the facts via gaslighting.
Maybe the narcissistic mom will flip it and make the child be the one with the problem; don’t put anything past these people.
It goes beyond a joke when the mom ends up being the one comforted because she was hurt, and over time what happens? A child doesn’t trust how they feel. They don’t trust what they experience or perceive, and some kids spend their entire childhood being told every feeling they have is wrong.
7She creates rivalry on purpose between her children
Siblings are never allowed to develop their own relationships without their narcissistic mother interfering. Anything that constitutes growing means developing as a person, and for the toxic mom, this simply isn’t allowed.
She compares her kids, she favors one over the other, and is constantly talking about them all behind each other’s backs. Whoever is pleasing mom that particular day will be the reason the roles can constantly shift and change, and in turn, kids end up competing for attention or approval without even really being able to name what they’re doing.
8She punishes her children for wanting to be independent
That control has to stay!
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The only way to do that is to keep children dependent on you, or punish them if they dare to try anything on their own.
As that child grows, they struggle to make their own decisions, and relationships feel overwhelming to them. They don’t know what boundaries are, and that can be a tough place for someone who is no longer a child.
Narcissistic moms make that happen by struggling to accept her children’s choices, and even as they age, criticize their partners, or make them feel guilty if they want to spend time away from her.
Independence = rejection.
“You’ve changed!”
No, Mom. I’m growing up and I want to find my place in the world.
9She uses her children’s vulnerabilities against them
“Mom, can I talk to you about something?” “Mom, I want to invest my money into property.” “Mom, I made a mistake and I feel terrible.”
You go to your mom because she’s supposed to provide you with support, but not a toxic mom! These women go all out to remind their kids what happened during arguments far out into the future from when they happened.
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It’s like rubbing salt in the wound, and the child will learn that they’re not safe with her, or open up with her (or anyone).
10She refuses any blame that she’s a bad mother and hurt her children
No narcissistic mom will take the blame, not ever!
The most damaging part of her behavior is that no matter how abusive she is, she will never hold herself accountable or acknowledge the impact it had on her kids.
“I did my best!”
No, you really didn’t.
