When it comes to children, they should be left out of adult issues. It's got nothing to do with them, yet they still find themselves stuck in the middle where narcissists are concerned.
For the narcissistic parent, they love to weaponize their children against you, and they certainly like to give it their best shot.
The moment you decide to have kids with someone this toxic is the moment everything changes, and now they partially have kids that you love more than anything, and would move heaven and earth for.
That's why these 6 ways narcissists weaponize them are so hurtful.
If you're wondering how it got so bad, you're about to find out.
A narcissist always knows what they're doing
If you ever thought, "Maybe they're just having a difficult day. Maybe they're stressed." …
Don't.
You're making excuses for someone who is purposely weaponizing your children against you. They knew what they were going to say or do before they even acted on it; that's how calculated it all is.
Clients tell me all the time that they know their narcissistic spouse does this to get a reaction from them, and I totally agree. This is all about controlling you, and using your kids to make that a reality.
They want to have you right where they want you, and your poor children will be the ones caught right in the middle of it.
1Their kids become messengers
Used and abused! It's nothing short of a tragedy really. To have children so small being used as a sick prop in the narcissist's game is truly something else, and these are supposed to be parents.
Messengers are included in this:
See also11 Things Narcissistic Mothers Do When You Decide To Go No Contact
"Dad says you have to call him right now." "Mom asked me to ask you why you haven't paid her back yet." "Dad said he doesn't like you leaving the dishes overnight."
The message from the narcissistic parent will reach you via your own children, and the message is never nice or normal; it's always laced with cruel intentions and tricks.
Not only is this wholly inappropriate, it's also dragging kids into situations that they really have no place being in. These kinds of messages only open doors for more questions.
"Why would dad say that?" "You keep messing up."
The problems the narcissist creates about you become problems your own children start seeing in you before long, and that's where conflict and fallout can get very upsetting and difficult to deal with.
Moreso, what you can start to see is the narcissist stepping back and seeing their child do their dirty work for them. Your reaction isn't directed at the person who deserves it, it'll be shown in front of that child, who really doesn't deserve any of it.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
2A narcissist will turn the kids against you
Slowly and quietly, you'll start to see this taking shape over the course of your child's childhood.
Nothing is necessarily dramatic, but any opportunity the narcissist gets to triangulate you or talk down about you will build a case against you in their growing minds.
"Your mom always does this." "Your dad never listens." "Mom takes the fun out of everything, doesn't she?"
Over time, each comment acts as seeds that plants, and sprouts. Soon enough, your child will start seeing you through this lens that was created by your toxic partner, and it'll be a shift you notice before you can fully name it.
If something feels off, if your child starts to question you or accuse you, if they go cold on you; look to the past and what's been poisoned in their minds all those times you remember.
3Parenting starts to look like leverage
"I don't have a problem taking you to court for this." "You'll be hearing from my solicitor." "Keep pushing like this and you'll start to see those kids less and less." "Who do you think you are? Do you know what I'm capable of?" "I keep receipts as much as you do."
These threats are scary, and even more so because they involve the very children you've been trying so hard to protect.
See alsoThe Narcissist Burned Every Bridge Until They Finally Burned the One They Needed
The mere thought of losing access to those kids fills you with knots, and I don't think anything could possibly be more painful.
Parenting in this scenario feels like a nightmare, and it feels as though it's something you're losing the right to have with each passing day.
You feel the need to negotiate, not because you want to, but because it seems as though the narcissist isn't leaving you with a choice.
As far as they're concerned:
"Comply, or suffer the consequences."
Not ideal at all, is it?
4The kids are used to get information from
"Did anyone come visit mommy last weekend?" "What did you guys talk about?" "Did you see anybody when you guys went out?"
The house swap for kids has got to be the most unsettling thing, and narcissistic parents make it a thousand times worse by shining a light in their little faces and gathering information they think may work in their favor.
They come back to you, telling you that daddy or mommy asked a lot of questions, and they realize without realizing that they're just being used as some kind of spy.
The narcissist and you broke up, but they are still trying to be a part of your life by wanting everything on you, and that hardly seems fair seeing as you aren't even together.
Your life should be your life, but instead, it's still being monitored by the very person you wanted to, and did get away from.
It feels then that the cord will never be severed.
5The narcissist plays the irresistible role of 'fun parent'
"Yay! We are going to dad's house for the weekend!"
See also3 Things Narcissistic Mothers Do That Leave Trauma So Deep You Carry It Into Every Relationship
You raise an eyebrow, wondering what could be so fun about being around someone so toxic, and if you're honest, it riles you a little bit.
You're the kind, caring, honest parent, and yet you see the excitement etched on your children's faces as they get in his car.
Why?
At dad's, there is no such thing as bedtime. You can eat all the ice cream you want. Screens don't come with an off switch.
"Dad lets me do whatever I want. Why are you so boring and strict?"
Kids don't need a friend, they need rules. They don't realize that at the time, but the narcissist knows what they're doing, and they're building a case for your child to find you the enemy.
It's beyond pathetic, but it's also beyond common.
6Each pick-up and drop-off becomes an unavoidable battlefield
What should be simple is never so when it comes to dealing with narcissists and the children you share.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
There are always scenes, always some kind of argument started by them, and you always have to hold it together.
How is that fair?
These moments are picked deliberately so you stay calm in front of the kids and let them have the win.
In the end, your kids will always know who showed up for them.
You just have to play the long game.
