When it comes to toxic dynamics, the children should be left out of everything.
They aren't.
That's because you're dealing with someone so unreasonable and readily available to tear you down using any measures that your children are dragged into the fray.
They become the ultimate weapon in these 6 ways, and it pained me to write each and every one because I know how much this affects you out there.
You're wondering why and how it got this bad? They use what, or who, you love the most.
The narcissist always knows what they're doing
Before we begin, I need you to sit with this for a moment, because it really is the point where you, and anyone else who has been abused by a narcissist, realizes that using children to control you is far from accidental. It's not something they do that they aren't aware of; how can it be?
You're dealing with a person who will stop at nothing to get to you. They will stop at nothing to break you down into a thousand pieces, and it has nothing to do with being a bad parent, or having bad communication skills.
There is a strong level of calculation involved, and each move is designed to make your life feel that little more hellish than the day before.
The narcissist wants you responding, reacting, and keeping you right in the place they want you to be.
What makes this worse is that your kids are the ones caught smack bang in the middle, and they have no idea what and who is causing all the drama and chaos. They're just living it, and for them, that's bad enough.
1The kids become messengers
See alsoWhat Narcissistic Parents Really Want From Their Children
"Dad wants you to call him." "Mom keeps asking me to ask you why you haven't paid child support yet." "Dad told me to say that he isn't going to wait longer than ten minutes to pick up so if you're late he's just going to take us back to his."
I know you've probably felt and heard these kinds of comments before, and I make no bones about it; they're stressful to say the least.
Rather than communicate directly with you, the narcissist will use your kids like they're messengers because it sends you a message that they're aware of.
A narcissist doesn't like to be held accountable, and so they keep you at arm's length, and any response you have, because it's what works best for them.
Meanwhile, you're in an impossible situation because what do you do? You're left trying to hold in your anger and shock in front of your kids because if you let out what you really think, your kids will bear the brunt of it.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
You don't want that, so yet again, your anger rattles on inside of you and that's where it makes you feel the most unwell.
You're in an impossible position, and the narcissist put you there.
2The narcissist turns the kids against you
I know this one hurts, and it seems to be a never ending way to cause you pain and create a family dynamic that suits them:
The narcissist will stop at nothing to turn your kids against you.
You're the bad guy all the time, and none of it is your fault. You're made out to be terrible, yet this move is so slow it can't possibly look dramatic at first.
This will come out as little comments, digs if you will, aimed to hurt you and control how your kids feel about you.
"Your dad always does this." "Your mom has never cared about this." "I wish your mom would just listen and make life easier." "I don't know why dad has to always be so miserable."
See alsoThere's One Person a Narcissist Will Regret Messing With
Let's call this for what it is: little seeds of doubt planted in your kids' minds that take root and eventually mean they look at you through the toxic eyes of their narcissistic parent.
You can't name it, but you see it, and that's where nothing will ever be the same again.
3Any parenting time is converted into threats aimed at you
"If you don't agree, I'll see you back in court." "If you keep talking to me like that, I'll make sure your time with them is even less."
It's not about anything you've done wrong, it's more to do with how the narcissist feels they can control you, and the lengths they will go to in order to do that.
The threat of you losing access or getting into trouble will likely fuel your fears, and you'll bend over backwards to make that not happen.
Your parenting time shouldn't be something the narcissist bargains with at all.
4The narcissist uses the kids to gain information
"Who was mommy with last weekend?" "Did anyone come over to the house?" "What did you guys talk about while you were there?"
Hearing these questions, a child will answer honestly. That's what the narcissist wants.
As your child comes home from the narcissist's house, they may come to you and repeat anything that's been said, and that's where you have to put two and two together and understand that this interrogation is down to wanting to know information about you they can use on you.
As usual, it's the kids who are caught in the middle of it all who suffer.
5The fun parent comes out to play
See also5 Reasons Why Narcissists Become Meaner as They Get Older
There are no rules! There's no set bedtime! You can use your screens all day if you want, and eat candy for breakfast.
What kid wouldn't love the sound of that?
It doesn't mean in the long run it's going to be any good for them, and you as the decent parent will be acutely aware of that.
You deal with the frazzled aftermath of a child having no boundaries, and when you try to comb them back into some kind of schedule, you're told you're a boring or terrible parent.
The narcissist knows what they're doing, and they will love to see you squirm in that discomfort.
Narcissists are great at looking like the heroic parent, and sadly for many, that's the battle the good parent has to face.
6Any time they pick up or drop the kids off, it feels like a war
This is a pinnacle time for relaying information, passing on instructions, or generally handing over news, or how your kids are doing to the other parent.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
It shouldn't be about adults then, should it?
Unsurprisingly with narcissists, it's always about them.
These moments are picked deliberately for the narcissist to use, so that you don't explode in front of the kids and make yourself look like the bad guy. That's why they test you during these drop off and pick up moments, and why you feel like you want to yell and scream at the world.
The narcissist will see that you want to react, and they know you well enough to spot the signs of your impatience or exhaustion.
I think this is where you need to ensure you hide it well!
