Children shouldn't be forced into adult conflict, yet I see it with so many dynamics in my career. It happens because the narcissist loves to see people fall out, and because they're desperate for allies.
Their children are not loved in a way you or I would love them. There are conditions, and those conditions need to be met.
Mothers who share children with a narcissist will rarely come out winning, with all their children intact and on side. As much as she tries to protect them, you cannot always win against someone so willing and ready to tear you down.
These 8 ways narcissistic fathers train children to blame their mother for everything show just how low they'll go to look like the good guy.
1Mom's the bad guy whenever the children's behavior is challenged
I see this all the time:
Mom questions the behavior of the narcissistic father (because, let's be honest, it needs questioning), and he then turns it around to present himself being the victim.
It doesn't seem right, does it? That should be dad's time to take responsibility for being a toxic stature of authority, but what does he do instead?
"Your mom is always nagging me." "I can never catch a break." "Moms don't understand how hard it is to run a house." "Why does your mom always try to make my life so difficult?"
Hardly a man who is keen to keep a family together and running on a healthy level.
The children, of course, hear this, and believe that the version of events is "Mom is horrible and dad never seems to be able to do anything right."
Children are impressionable, and if something is made to be obvious, even if it isn't the truth, they will believe it, and believe mom is the root of all family issues.
See alsoThese 5 Family Backgrounds Create Narcissists. Never Marry Into One
What they don't understand is how much of her problem and hostility comes from dad's challenging behavior, and that's because it's too complex for young kids to notice.
If you're lucky, they get older and see it all.
2Mom is trying to turn you against me!
Do you hear this a lot, or have you fallen victim to it in the past?
That's because a narcissist won't hesitate to accuse whoever they need to accuse in order to get into their kid's heads. If she dares raise any concern for him, he will throw it back in her face and put the kids in an impossible situation.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
If they do what mom is pointing out and acknowledge his behavior, he's being betrayed by his own flesh and blood. If they defend him, they are showing that their loyalty lies with one person, and one person only.
Sometimes this can lead to the narcissistic man accusing mom of being manipulative, and any intentions of hers can be put under the spotlight of suspicion.
I find it hard to tell mothers who share children with narcissists that life is going to get very difficult.
All they want to do is protect their kids, and they end up subjected to so much blame.
3Everything unhappy or bad is the fault of Mom
All negative roads point back to mom! That's exactly what the narcissist man wants people to think, anyway.
Eventually, this kind of programming looks for kids to just see their mom as the bad guy, and naturally and automatically associate her with all the bad things that happen.
It's almost as if mom walks around with a black cloud over her head, but we know, you know, that's not the case.
See alsoThe Narcissist Spent Years Making You Afraid of Them. Then One Day You Stopped
By default and over time, it's the children who learn to blame mom, too.
4I'm the fun parent, unlike your mother!
"Come on, kids!" "You can rely on dad for a fun day." "Let's go have some fun!"
The children will love this type of parent, only because children love having fun. They're easy to pull into that direction, so a narcissistic father will use whatever it takes to raise a smile and a fun day ahead.
The promise of exciting treats, a trip to the movies, staying up late, buying gifts or toys for; it's just so simple for them, isn't it?
Mom will try to maintain boundaries and rules because children need them, but she's then seen as the party pooper.
What hurts is that children don't realize that it takes a lot to raise them, and mom is often left with that heavy responsibility while dad soaks up all the approval and attention.
Not fair, to say the least.
5I have got such a hard life
"I work so hard." "You know, it's me who keeps all the bills paid." "I work to pay for everything you have." "Because mom doesn't work, I have to work extra hard to make sure we have enough money."
Not only is this scaremongering children, it's showing them that he, the narcissistic father, does all he can for his kids and wife. It makes mom look lazy even though she was told to be at home and take care of the children and home. The children resent mom.
"Why can't you get a job, too?"
They don't understand the complexities of adulthood, but when he paints his life to be so hard, he will make sure it's because all mom seems to do is the dishes every now and then.
See alsoWhat Narcissists Think About at 3AM
We know being a mom is a full-time job when you're the only one at home throughout each day.
6Loyalty to Mom is a big no-no
I've seen it before, where a narcissistic father becomes sulky and silent; raging over the fact that the children side with their mother and not him. He hates watching them agree, getting along, and forming a close bond.
The child loves spending time with her, and it turns the narcissistic father into a jealous, toxic person, so over time, children learn that loving mom comes at a cost.
As the good parent, you'll find that tragic, but you're only seeing it from a truthful perspective, and not a survival one. If you understand why they're loyal, you'll see they're being manipulated just the same as you are, they just don't know how to name it.
7Family history gets rewritten out of favor of Mom
"Of course, we know who to blame, don't we?" "Mom was the reason we were late that day." "Mom was never patient with you when you were babies."
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
You remember everything very differently, yet what leg have you got to stand on? If you argue your case, you create the drama he wants, and if you sit back and let him say what he wants, you're down as the permanent bad guy.
To be labelled as always difficult is going to be a hard thing to deal with if this is something he's insistent on speaking about.
8The belief that loving him over you (Mom) is a betrayal
He will never admit it outright, but he wants to make any affection feel like some kind of competition. If he sees you and your kids too close, he wants to do something that brings them back to him.
Children can be left believing that if they want to keep dad happy, they have to join in with the criticism and blaming, because that's what they've grown accustomed to seeing him do all these years.
