You have children with a narcissist, and your life has gotten significantly worse since it was just the two of you.
That’s because now there are more people in the home to control, abuse, and manipulate.
The narcissist sees nobody as off limits, and what you think is your family, your pride and joy, the narcissist treats as an opportunity for more mind games.
They will use their children in order to get to you and make your life unbearably miserable. The narcissist knows they have helped create people that you love more than anything in the world, and that’s why what happens next, these 6 twisted acts, hurt you the most.
The narcissist always knows what they’re doing
Nothing you're about to read is accidental. To be a narcissist means to be calculated at all times, and every single move they make is cruelly designed to keep you reacting, and make you question your role as a parent.
Your children are supposed to grow up in a loving, caring home, and instead, they get lumbered with a narcissistic parent that wants to make your life completely miserable.
As usual, it's the children who are caught in the middle.
1The kids become messengers
It's so toxic to use your children for anything, but to use them as messengers is incredibly manipulative.
“Dad wants to know why you always drop me off late.” “Mom asked why you're late paying the money she said you owe her.”
Children are innocent; they don't want to be caught up in the middle, but as they're the minors, they won't have a choice if that's the role their narcissistic parent insists on them playing.
See also 9 Things Female Narcissists Do to Manipulate Men
Communication is never like a grown adult; it's always got to be the toxic messages your child innocently gives you that make it very well known just who you're dealing with.
In sending you messages through your children, the narcissist is keeping you at arm's length. They know they aren't close enough for you to snap back, and they can also deny they said those things, or claim your child twisted their words.
Whichever way you look at it; you're put in an impossible situation.
2The children are turned against you
This one never happens overnight, and I think that’s what catches people out.
See also10 Sick Things a Narcissistic Mother Does to Her Own Children
The slow and quiet hell of having your own children be turned against you is dangerous, but a narcissist will do all they can to punish you. That means for them, this act is fair game.
“Your dad always does this.” “This is typical of your mother.” “It's like mom doesn't even care.”
Manipulation at its finest, and these are very dangerous seeds to plant, yet the narcissist doesn't care what damage they're doing; only that they get to you and cause as much drama as possible.
Eventually, that'll happen, and your child will unfortunately start to see you through the narcissist's eyes.
You won't see it at first; you'll feel that cold shift, and by then, the narcissist's work has mostly been done.
I speak to clients about this all the time and they tell me how painful it is to know that there is irreversible damage to their relationship with their child, or even multiple children. How does anyone begin to undo the manipulation? It's impossible.
3Threats come thick and fast
“I will be taking you back to court for this!” “If you don't start agreeing to my terms, I'm going to make your life very difficult.”
See also7 Strange Things Narcissists Do at Night
You know these threats, and you know what the narcissist is capable of, too. You'd laugh them off in another lifetime, but it's not funny now.
When there are threats to lose access to your children, the narcissist knows you’ll do anything to prevent that from happening.
You will comply, you will obey, you will abandon your boundaries if it means you still get to be a parent who sees their kids, which means the narcissist gets to have a field day controlling everything.
Facing the consequences of any threats fills you with dread, so what other option is there?
4Kids get used for information about you
“Does mom have any new friends?” “Did dad have any visitors when you stayed this weekend?” “What did you guys talk about during your time?”
Whether you're separated, or the narcissistic parent gets an afternoon with the children while you're working; information will be extracted.
When those kids come to you to relay what was said or asked, you begin to piece a puzzle together that looks as though you're the one under surveillance.
No child should be used as a spy.
5You see the fun parent and feel the pain behind it
No child is aware that the parent who is looking out for them the most is the one who implements the rules, keeps the limits on screentimes, schedules strict bedtimes, makes the healthy food, and ensures rooms are tidy.
There is so much more to being that type of parent that overlooks the keen child, who just wants to have fun, stay up late, and drink hot chocolate at midnight.
The fun parent is the narcissistic parent; the one who lacks any accountability, wants to be liked, and wants to see you as the sworn enemy.
See alsoThe Cruel Reason Children Defend the Parent Who Hurts Them
It’s hard to compete with this:
“Dad always lets me stay up late.” “You’re no fun.” “Why do you always have such boring rules?”
Narcissistic parents do what they can to look like the hero, while you’re struggling to hold everything together, and it hardly seems fair at all.
It’s also tiring for you, who does nothing but try to keep the children in check and raise them in a balanced, healthy way. You then have to deal with the attitude and behavior changes due to having no rules.
It’s not easy at all.
6Any exchange involving the kids is chaotic and stressful
You get a few minutes to discuss how the kids have been while you’ve been at work, or if you’ve divorced, and those two minutes are nearly always spent like a game to the narcissist.
There will always be a point when this parent will try to start an argument, when all you want to do is hear about how the children are, and if there’s anything specific they need, like medication or to finish their homework.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would Have
Every time it flies toward you, you have no choice but to take it. The alternative is to create a scene in front of your kids then be blamed for it, which is something you’re keen to avoid.
The narcissist knows you won’t fully explode here, so they push you with glee, knowing they’ve got you right where they want you.
None of this changes who shows up for your kids, and who does the most loving and genuine parenting out of the two of you.
Regardless of what you have to tolerate, you are their safe parent, and no toy or late night can change that.
Expect more stress as the children become adults, but hold your ground.
