There should be nothing more equal than the art of parenting, right? Mother and father raise a child who turns out as best they can, but if you're raising one with a narcissist, you'll see them go from one level of narcissism to quite another.
Children are the most humbling, precious gifts, yet for anybody with a narcissistic personality, they're the problem.
They wanted the title, the photo, the announcement. What they didn't want was the 3am wake ups, the tantrums, the fact that a child needs something from them.
They hate being parents, and today I want to talk about why. I have a feeling you'll sadly be able to relate to this more than you realize.
1 If you think it's about the kids, think again…
Narcissists don't want to be parents, so when the news arrives that they're about to be one, the excitement of a child impending is not what thrills them. They're still happy though, and that's down to the fact that the idea of a child excites them.
Narcissists are all about image, and what better way is there to promote one's image than to be able to show the world and brag about their perfect family? Look at what I made! My perfect family is a reflection of me!
A baby makes any parent look loveable, and if they're good at pretending, that's exactly what other people will think of them. A new baby can also give the impression that a person is settled, as they embark on this lifetime adventure raising another person. Then? Then the baby arrives.
The baby comes, and everything changes. It's no longer about cute pregnancy photos, or romanticizing about who the baby will look like, and painting the nursery.
It's now about night feeds, dirty diapers, the crying, the being there 24/7 for a tiny person who needs support, and then there's the mental and physical recovery of the birth itself. All of these things take a real hit to the narcissist's ego.
They don't come first; they aren't a priority. How can they be when there is a baby who needs attention all the time? Babies don't care about the ego of a narcissist, and in return they offer nothing back to the narcissist.
I had a client tell me her husband looked at their newborn and said, "When does it start being fun?" She knew right then what she was in for.
2 The truth about controlling adults vs. controlling children
Any adult is a prime target for guilt tripping. They're also able to be gaslit, and their power can be slowly worn away until it's all handed over to the narcissist. They may not know this is happening, but it's possible to break them in the eyes of a narcissist.
Toddlers give none of this. Imagine if they were able to say, "I'm sorry, you're right" every time they're told they're embarrassing their narcissistic parent when they have a tantrum in the supermarket, wouldn't that be something!
The same with a teenager; they're not going to stop pushing back and being a teenager just because they're told coldly, "After everything I've done for you!"
Kids aren't as predictable as adults, and they don't have the controls to respond to the narcissist as they're wanted to. They can be loud at the most inappropriate of times, and they, without meaning to, can mess up meticulous plans.
A young child doesn't have any interest in wanting to manage their toxic parent's moods, and for the narcissist, that is the most frustrating part.
A three year old doesn't care that mommy has a work call. They want juice, and they want it now. No amount of sighing or glaring changes that.
Are you starting to see now why there is a huge difference between having children and being an actual parent? Narcissists love it until they get to a point, then they realize it's never going to be the smooth sailing they wanted it to be.
3 Attention shifts, much to the narcissist's disdain
I am laughing as I'm writing this, because I'm picturing all the narcissists that I've met in my entire life, and I'm watching the color of their face drain in my mind as they enter a room with a baby or toddler.
All eyes, those eyes that once fell on the narcissist for attention, are now firmly on that child. Not just that, but the attention can be fuss, wander, love, warmth, smiling, laughing, cooing; you name it.
The narcissist stands there, rendered helpless and useless now, and they realize very quickly that any supply they'd be used to getting from these people is now completely absent. They become a spare part.
Moreso, they're already exhausted because they're a new parent and have been up all hours, and they're seething with rage. Nobody asks me how I'm doing! Why am I not even being looked at?!
This isn't a tired, emotional parent who needs a shoulder to cry on, this is a petulant adult-child wondering where their next hit is going to come from.
The narcissist can't stand it, and, you've probably guessed by now that the root of their infuriation is that they're jealous of their own child. Can you even fathom how this is possible? I really can't.
I can't see how anyone is able to look at their child and resent them from such a young age, but here we are, discussing narcissists, and suddenly it all makes sense. As the other parent of that child, it will be the hardest thing to witness.
You'll want to scoop that baby up and shield them from the glares, the sighs, the muttered, "Everyone's forgotten I exist." And somehow you're expected to soothe him too.
4 Parenting leaves the narcissist fully exposed
If you're going to be a good parent, you need empathy, and you can challenge me all you like. If you're raising a child, you have to put their needs before yours, in a consistent way, not just once, or for a year or two, but all the time.
You shouldn't be sitting there waiting for some kind of trophy or round of applause. Children have big feelings, and those are the moments you need to sit with them, as well as try to keep yours as regulated as you can.
No narcissist will ever be able to do this. They can try, and they can be consistent, but it's never going to be authentic because narcissists aren't authentic people. The child in their eyes will eventually become the golden child, or possibly the scapegoat, depending on their personality style.
They're chosen as extensions of themselves, and they slot into the dynamic eventually. Before that, they become props for the narcissist. Reputation is everything.
Then the narcissist goes home, and that's where the mask of the narcissistic parent slips off and the child will be able to feel it before they can fully name and recognize what it is.
One client told me her dad would smile through dinner with guests, then go cold the second the door closed. She said she could feel the room change temperature.
Believe me, that's never pleasant for the child.
5 A narcissist will never own up to this
No narcissistic parent on the face of the earth is going to admit that this is how they parent. They're unable to even see how they are as a problem, let alone share that problem and be accountable for it. I sacrificed everything for my family.
Nobody seems to appreciate the work I do for this family. It'll be these kinds of sob stories that will get the narcissist the attention and admiration they so desperately want. Deviated parents don't just go out to work while going home a victim, frosty and cruel in spirit.
This is why children of narcissists grow up confused and anxious. They try to earn love that wasn't really on offer.
One woman told me she spent her entire childhood trying to make her mother proud, and never once heard the words. She heard, "After everything I've done for you?" instead.
If you know, you know.
6 The sibling chess game they can't resist
Ever noticed how a narcissistic parent seems to enjoy pitting their kids against each other? It's not by accident. It's sport.
One kid gets crowned the golden child. The other gets the scapegoat label pinned to their chest before they've even figured out what they did wrong. And then the roles rotate whenever the narcissist feels bored or threatened.
"Your sister would never speak to me like that."
"Why can't you be more like your brother?"
"He's always been the sensitive one, you know how he is."
Little comments, dropped like breadcrumbs, designed to keep the siblings competing for scraps of approval. Because if the kids are busy resenting each other, they're not busy noticing the parent.
I've had clients in their forties tell me they still can't sit in a room with their siblings without that old rivalry buzzing under the surface. That's the damage. That's what the chess game leaves behind.
And the narcissist? They sit back and watch, quietly pleased that the game they started is still running long after the kids have grown up.
7 When the kids grow up and start asking questions
Little kids will believe almost anything you tell them. Teenagers? Different story entirely.
The moment your child hits an age where they start piecing things together, the narcissist parent panics. Because suddenly this small person is looking at them and going, "Wait. Why do you talk to mum like that?" Or, "You said you'd be there. You weren't."
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never RandomThey ask why grandma stopped visiting. They ask why dad cries sometimes. They ask why the story keeps changing.
I've had parents tell me their teenager sat them down and said, "I know what he is now. I've read about it." And the narcissist's response is almost always the same.
Rage, then a smear, then a sudden campaign to paint the kid as troubled, dramatic, or brainwashed by the other parent.
Because a child who asks questions is a child they can't control anymore. And a child they can't control is, to them, a threat. Not a person they raised. A threat.
That tells you everything about what parenting really meant to them.
