30 Lies All Women Tell Their Husbands

As much as we all want to live in an honest world, we don’t. And people tell lies all the time.

Big ones are hard to forgive, but the little ones can be a blend of funny and frustrating.

Take the ladies, for example. They say things they don’t mean quite frequently, and it’ll be enough to stop the guy in their tracks…

…Say whaaaaat?

Are you ready to hear those 30 golden lies a woman loves to tell their husbands?

Let’s play lies bingo!

“I’m fine.” 

Oh no you are not!

Don’t you ever whisper those two words to me and expect me to believe any of it.

In fact, I challenge you to look me in the eye and swear on the cat’s life that you’re fine.

You can’t do it, can you?

That’s because you aren’t fine!

Step away from the lie!

“It was on sale!” 

Was it, though? Did it go from $40 to $38? That’s not an offer, that’s a joke. 

But you know what else? A shopping spree cannot be justified on the basis that everything was on offer.

Because now you have to find homes for all these new garments. 

I don’t buy what you’re selling, even if it is on offer!

“I didn’t see your text.” 

I think you did, but you just weren’t in the mood to reply. 

Be honest, it won’t hurt my feelings the way you think it will.

Perhaps you just didn’t reply because you were fed up with me asking what’s for dinner…

“I’ll be ready in five minutes.” 

Nope. I challenge you to time yourself. Because five minutes is what it takes you to pick the song you want to listen to while you start getting ready.

It is not the time it takes you to go from this to that. 

I’ll be in the car staring at the sunset, waiting for you. 

PS. I love you!

“I love your mom.” 

Okay. Maybe there’s a little fondness there, but I won’t get it twisted.

You tolerate her because she gave birth to me, and you love me a lot.

Don’t you?

…Don’t you?

“I don’t care where we eat. You choose.” 

Except, I do choose and you furrow your brow and scrunch your nose in disgust.

So is it easier to just tell me what you want so we can cut the pretence?

“I threw that old t-shirt away.” 

Oh, you mean the t-shirt I just found in the back of the drawer?

You didn’t want to let go of it, and I get it.

But you’re lying to yourself if you think you threw it away.

“I barely ate anything today.” 

Oh, right.

You know how I found you to have this conversation?

I followed the crumb trail!

You’re not kidding anybody, you smell like Nutella!

“I don’t watch our shows without you.” 

Or, as I really like to identify:

I totally watch all the shows without you, and then I act my way through them with you for the second time.

You deserve an Oscar, I tell you!

“It’s just a headache.” 

Just be honest, you don’t want to have sex.

It’s okay.

Let’s call it for what it really is. 

“I have nothing to wear.” 

Let me lead you to the closet, where I will protest your statement complete with evidence to the contrary. 

“That’s so funny!” 

No, that’s your ‘be polite’ laugh. I know you can’t stand my humor.

“I love your gift!” 

That’s so polite of you…

…Do you want the receipt?

“I don’t want anything for my birthday.” 

Oh no. Never make the mistake of believing this one unless you want the silent treatment until the next birthday.

It’s much easier just to tell me what you want, so I can get it and you can be happy. 

“I don’t remember saying that.”

You do. I see it in your eyes.

I see it!

“I won’t get mad. Just tell me the truth.” 

And so we tell you the truth, and you get mad.

Help us out, we’re trying, here!

“I don’t care if you go out with the guys.” 

I know you do, and I don’t want you to keep pretending through that rehearsed smile. We all love to see our buddies, but I know I am currently close to crossing the line.

“I’m not mad.”

Oh, I’m mad. And you’ll know why in due time.

“I love your beard/stubble/clean-shaven look.” 

Whatever look I currently have is going to be the look you hate the most.

There’s nothing like a bit of honesty behind the lies to get me thinking about the hair on my face. 

“I don’t notice other guys.” 

It’s okay. I know you didn’t hear me talking about the rent last week when you were watching Rafa Nadal in that Grand Slam. 

“I wasn’t snooping. I just happened to see it.”

You just fell into the bag of presents I got for your birthday that you hunted out just so you could see what you were getting. 

Got it!

“I’ll just have one bite.” 

Remember that episode of Friends?

Joey doesn’t share foooooood!

Except, with you, my dear wife, my fries are indeed, your fries. 

Would it be okay then, if I could have some of your food?

What do you mean, no?!

“I’d rather stay in tonight.” 

If you could summon the perfect night with me, would it involve us heading out and me treating you to whatever meal and drink you wanted?

So why are you insisting that you want to stay in and watch Netflix in your sweats?

You’re fooling nobody!

“I’ve had this forever.” 

That thing you’re holding that I found the receipt for scrunched up in the car last week?

Look. I love you so much. But I was not born yesterday. 

“I don’t care about Valentine’s Day.” 

You do. You love the fuss, the attention, and the romance. 

If I don’t get you anything, you will show me all the wives that got the dozen roses and the bottle of merlot.

So please, allow me to display the love I have for you on this day society told me to. 

“I didn’t hear you.” 

But you’d have heard me if I told you I was taking us for a weekend in New York.

Clean out those selective ears.

“I snore? No way!” 

If I showed you this seven minute audio clip of you sounding like you were digging up the street in your sleep, would you still deny it?

“I forgot.” 

AKA, “I did not feel like doing it.”

Sorry, not sorry.

“I’ll do it later.” 

This afternoon. Tomorrow. Maybe next week.

Sorry, what did I need to do again?

“I’d never lie to you.” 

See previous 29 lies, and tell me that again!