Do people mellow in older age?
Yes, usually they do.
Do narcissists mellow in older age?
Ha!
There is zero wisdom a narcissist goes through after 60, and any drama you know them for will increase, even though you’d think they’d become more self-aware and compassionate.
They’ve had a whole lifetime of being mean and cold, and once they hit this golden age, these 9 ways they get worse become really obvious.
I hope for your sake you never have to put up with this, but I have a feeling you already have.
1Not center of attention, and so bitter about it
As far as I’m concerned, I don’t care if I’m not the center of attention.
For the narcissist, that’s all they ever want to be.
Narcissistic traits include needing this constantly, and wanting people surrounding them to constantly plump their ego when necessary. As they age, life naturally starts to no longer provide this for them, and it’s a struggle beyond your wildest imagination.
A narcissist feels personally insulted the moment they have to retire, or if family roles change, and a lot of this frustration for them comes from their own children aging and becoming more independent. They make their own choices, and get jobs the narcissist can’t manipulate or control.
Bitterness enters the building, and a narcissist over this age bracket starts to feel like everything anyone else does without them is a plain insult.
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“Nobody visits.” “I never hear from anyone.” “Nobody appreciates what I’ve done for them.”
It’s all built in resentment, and the narcissist feels that everybody should still be circling around them making them feel important, when in fact, they’ve grown tired of doing that.
2Older age becomes the excuse they’ve been waiting for
“It’s just who I am.” “I’ve always been this way.” “You need to learn to respect your elders, you know.”
Age is the excuse the narcissist has been waiting so many years for. They love to be able to use it against people who they feel are treating them unfairly (everyone).
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In turn, they will ramp up their criticisms of people, avoid any kind of apology owed, or demand they get preferential treatment at all times.
Permanent exemption from accountability shouldn’t come just because someone is getting older. We all age, but we don’t start digging for excuses that get us out of trouble, do we?
It also shouldn’t mean that you accept the manipulation that comes with this sort of attack.
3Their world gets smaller, which means they revert to more control
It’s inevitable that as a narcissist ages, their social circles and routines shrink. It’s going to happen that physical abilities become more limited, too, which is why someone who relies heavily on control will find this time difficult.
I don’t want you to feel sympathy for them here! I just need you to understand that control isn’t always something a narcissist can easily hold onto, especially as they get older.
They are even more critical, even more demanding that you visit them, and even more expectant of you to step into any care role they may need you for.
4Their now adult children unwillingly sign up as the narcissist’s emotional leaning posts
Adult children! As if they haven’t had enough of this their entire childhood, now as they get to be more independent, they’re still held back by their toxic parent.
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It’s a real struggle for anyone narcissistic to admit that their children aren’t young and impressionable any more. They have responsibilities they need to take care of, but they still demand the phone call to check in, or the visit every other day.
“I’m lonely.” “Nobody bothers.” “I’m just home alone, again. Nothing to do, nowhere to go.”
Sure, people can feel lonely, but when you’re putting it on your children, no matter their age, you’re implying that they aren’t allowed a life of their own unless it involves keeping you amused.
5If a younger person receives more attention, they become more resentful
Younger people is the key here. The younger a person is, the more resentment the narcissist has for them.
They forget that they’ve lived their entire life up to now, and got a period of youth of their own. Now they see others thriving, healthy, energetic and full of vibrance, they see a person of their own past, I guess a little bit like Scrooge when he looks back at his past!
If a grandchild achieves something, it’s met with jealousy or some flyaway comment. Competitive behavior can surface; you name it. A narcissist tries to redirect any conversation back to themselves:
“I did this when I was younger and I did it better!” “You clearly take after me, but you’ve got some way to go until you’re as good!”
I know, sad. This is what they do though, and of course any younger person is ungrateful, entitled, or greedy. They can’t just be themselves.
6The past is rewritten as a way to protect their image and reputation
“I was always supportive.” “I did the best I could.” “All I wanted was a loving family.” “I showed up when I could.”
What about all the drama? What about all the incidents the narcissist was a part of? What about all the people they had a hand in triangulating?
It’s no wonder the people around the narcissist gasp in horror at the retelling of stories that have huge twists in them. This is a real case of, “Recollections may vary.”
7Being ill, vulnerable or dependent is a way to demand the loyalty of others
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“I’m sick!” “I need to get to my hospital appointment.” “You wouldn’t leave your dad out in the cold this winter, would you?” “I only need a few groceries.” “I can’t change my bedsheets because my back is so sore.” “Haven’t you just got half an hour to spare?”
Everything comes laced with a type of guilt it’s hard to step away from, and I fully understand how age can make you feel even more guilty.
“I don’t know how many years I’ve got left.”
That’s all it can take in order for you to drop everything and be there for every beck and call.
If you fail, you’re not the compassionate child they want you to be, and boy, will they tell everyone!
8If people stop being their back-up, they are openly more hostile
Narcissists need a loyal army holding them up in older age, and if you fail or stop in some way, expect that aging narcissist to be cold and cruel to you in a way you’ve never seen before.
It’s the ultimate punishment for not being able to keep the peace or speak up for them, and when you don’t rush in to resolve every disagreement, you’re taking away a vital source of supply for them.
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Hostility and narcissism go hand in hand!
9Isolation kicks in, and so does the blame on everyone else
An older narcissist won’t see the part they play in pushing people away, they will only complain about the consequences of isolating themselves.
It’s always got to be someone else’s fault, and that’s a hard truth for victims to swallow. Their guilt makes them believe they caused this, when in fact, it had nothing to do with that.
If every interaction with the older narcissist you know is exhausting, you are probably learning why that is!
