So, you married into a family where not just one narcissist exists, but others do, too. You are at your wit's end, wondering how you got to the point where you're surrounded by people who don't care about you, and see you as a commodity just the same as the next narcissist.
You thought it was bad enough marrying one until you realize that the people you try to lean on, support, or share your life with are just as guilty at making you feel isolated, guilty, low and confused.
It's not easy, but these 9 signs are certain to point toward not just one narcissist making your life hell, but a whole bunch…
…And they're related!
1The whole family protects the same person at all times
No matter what they've done! I see it, I get frustrated by it, I loathe the reality behind it.
The whole family rallies around to protect the one person who causes all the drama and hurt, and it's left for the victims, or those who see through it all to question why.
It seems so unfair that so much bad behavior gets willingly swept under the carpet by people who either don't want to admit it's happening, or who don't want to get caught on the narcissist's bad side.
The worst part of this is seeing a narcissist misbehave in real time and watching everyone rush to defend them, like they cannot see what's happening.
You stand there thinking, "Did everyone just see what I saw? Why is nobody wanting to discuss the actual truth here?"
That's because protecting the family's reputation is more important than calling out inappropriate, rude, and challenging behavior and associating with someone they're related to.
2No matter how long you've been in the family, you're still the outsider
Don't you ever get that feeling? That's because it's real, and not just a feeling. You're constantly sitting on the perimeters of a family, and it doesn't matter how long you're in it for; you'll be treated exactly the same.
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It's you who remembers every birthday and occasion, and shows up trying to be part of something that you see as important.
That won't matter. You're still treated as an unwelcome guest, and it hurts.
Private jokes are made, you're excluded from conversations or meet ups, and nobody runs anything by you.
A part of you worked to try harder, but that didn't seem to make a difference.
Acceptance is not readily available around the corner, and the toxic family dynamic you married into is what is keeping you at a constant arm's length.
3Gossip is what the family love to treat as entertainment
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
Why is that? Gossip can be other people's misfortune, their problems, and that can include anything personal, too.
I once had a client whose dad used to tell people about her finances every time he tried to ask his advice about moving, or buying a property.
Suddenly, everyone would approach her. "Wow! I had no idea you were so well off! Your dad was telling me last week!"
Doesn't seem right, and this is just one example of how unkind a narcissist can treat you and talk about you.
When a narcissistic family gets together, they can gossip about other people like it's the only form of conversation imaginable. They love to criticize, and it goes beyond getting together, too. Narcissists are infamous for talking about each other behind their backs, and you'll get to know this if you marry into a family of them.
4Everyone will always have someone to blame, yet nobody seems to want to take responsibility
Everybody will point their fingers outward when it comes to narcissistic families.
"It was your fault!" "I had a terrible upbringing!" "I blame my husband!" "Everyone else seems so sensitive."
Never do they think to take stock of the situation and blame themselves. Of course, life would be easier if we all took responsibility, and you may find yourself witnessing something extraordinary.
See alsoTreat The Narcissist The Way They Treated You… Then Watch Their Reaction
For you, it's easy to hold your hands up.
For the narcissist and the family you married into; not so much.
5Your boundaries are treated as a personal attack
Why should anyone have a problem with your boundaries, least of all the people you're closest to?
For starters, you may politely decline an invite. You're tired, and you have a busy week of work ahead, so you want to get an early night.
It might be deeper than that, and you may feel you don't want to attend because you don't want to tolerate a certain person's behavior, and that's fine, too.
It won't be fine to narcissists, who see your boundary as a personal attack on them. They're even envious that you have the courage to stand your ground and not move or bow down to pressure from others.
You aren't unreasonable though.
6You watch your partner totally change when they're in front of their family
At home, you know them to be loving and reasonable. You know them to be kind, or even capable of being understandable.
As soon as they get into a room with their family, it's as good as game over. This major shift occurs, and you're left thinking, "Who is this person?!"
They're laughing at hurtful jokes aimed at you, or others. They're saying overtly mean things.
"Who is this person?"
You're right to question someone so different. Old family patterns and dynamics can mean people revert to a certain version of themselves, or an overly inflated version of the person you know.
7Every time the family gets together, it's treated like an unspoken competition
See alsoThe One Thing That Makes Leaving a Narcissist So Hard
Who got the best pay rise this year. Who has the newest car. Who went on the most lavish vacation.
Honestly, all of these things and more are up for grabs when a narcissistic family gets together.
It's a shame you can't just enjoy a nice night of pleasant conversation. Every conversation has to have an undertone of competition, and nobody is ever really actually getting along.
Backhanded compliments and passive-aggressive comments are thrown around like they're candy, and it's really quite unpleasant to be around.
8I get to behave how I want but you cannot do the same
Here's what narcissistic families are like:
Them: You need to be loyal and respectful. We stick together. You: You did something that wasn't honest. Them: It's just who I am. I can't help it.
I know. You don't need to tell me how crazy it is.
They have a definition of loyalty that fits when they want it to fit. Other than that, you can forget it.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
Prepare for so many double standards, you won't know where to look first.
9You feel like you're alone in seeing what's really going on
It's horrible feeling alone, and I hear it from you so often that the isolation you're experiencing is because the narcissist and their family act how they do, and you can't really talk to anyone about it.
You see how manipulative they are, and how toxic everyone is, especially when they get together. There is a certain control of conversation that goes on, and I know it is horrible to be in the position of seeing what's going on, yet unable to explain what you see.
This is a truly toxic narcissistic family.
