You're at rock bottom; the most miserable you've been for a long time, and there is someone in your life who is responding to that as if they've won the lottery. The reason they're so happy is because they're the cause of that misery, and it gives them a kick like nothing else.
The narcissist, ladies and gentlemen.
This is what they do, and they're only ever really genuinely happy when you're not.
It's hard, and heartbreaking for those who have to deal with this overtly smug behavior as they're suffering the most.
The 7 most sick things that make them feel this elated are right here.
1Knowing they've crawled under your skin and bothered you
What kind of sick person gets satisfaction from knowing they've bothered you in any way? It baffles me that a person can feel good knowing they've upset someone else, but this is what narcissists do, and it genuinely makes them feel so happy.
A client once told me, "My ex boyfriend would get more and more animated the more defensive I got. It was almost like my misery was fuelling his fire in some way, and it took me a while to really see what was going on. I would ask him to stop, but he'd almost be singing with joy that I was unhappy, and I had to ask myself, Is this someone who loves, or someone who abuses?"
How sad is that? To love someone and have them treat you like you're a joke in this way.
When you react, you're showing the narcissist that they still get to determine your emotions and affect them, and for me, I think that's the saddest part of all.
Nobody should be celebrating your distress and enjoying the fact that their behavior has got you to this point.
2Watching the lengths you go to in order to win back their approval
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You've been there before, haven't you? Before I really knew what narcissism was, I too recall doing this in my younger years, before I learned that what I was trying to win back was never mine to possess.
Yes, a person can work overtime to get back into someone's good books, but no, it will never be a place you end up in because narcissists are always moving goalposts.
While you're apologizing, the narcissist is deciding when that tension ends. They want to see you keep begging and pleading. They want you to explain yourself just that little bit more.
Seeing as narcissists thrive on being the center of attention, they can keep this going for as long as you keep trying. For many victims, that is a long time.
3Someone praising them for a thing they barely had anything to do with
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They know they didn't have any input in that task, yet a narcissist will take all the glory for themselves, almost saying, "Oh, it was nothing!" while doing so.
Narcissists crave admiration. They will happily take the credit for someone else's work and their victim will find it so frustrating, especially if they've exhausted themselves being the real champion.
To make matters worse, the double standard of a narcissist insisting on attention and applause when they really do something worthwhile has to be one for the record books. Nobody else is allowed to steal that limelight.
Ego and superiority are at play here, and they mean business. No narcissist wants to let go of an opportunity to be told they're amazing, even if it had nothing to do with them.
4Getting away with something they and everyone else know was wrong
If a person loves to control people, any opportunity they get to escape accountability will feel like a win.
Narcissists lie. They twist the truth whenever they can, and they are brilliant at persuading others that they're the ones hurting even if they caused the drama.
People accept this, too. They nod and say, "Okay." Nobody confronts them, and their reputation remains intact. Hardly fair, is it?
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A narcissist gets a kick from avoiding the consequences because they know exactly how to play the game.
Meanwhile, there you are, standing there wondering how it all happened, and where all their wrongdoing went.
Don't even be surprised if the blame lands on you, even though you had nothing to do with it.
Excuses come, and they only serve the narcissist, never you.
5Creating a situation that leaves you so jealous, you end up competing for them
Narcissists love to know that people are competing for their attention. The thing is, it feels so good to get it because you've come to learn how hard it is to see them looking your way.
You want it, and so there you are, fighting for it.
If a narcissist flirts in front of you or talks about someone they find attractive, that can be all it takes in order for you to turn it into a contest.
It's a deliberate way to get you to show up for them, and they know that when you do, you're showing how much you want their reaction and presence.
No healthy relationship operates this way, does it? Nothing like this should be turned into something you have to feel this way about, and if someone loves you, they shouldn't be making you feel like you're always replaceable.
You have a value, and if they don't see it, they aren't worth it.
Sadly, a narcissist will want you to keep showing them how much you want them to want you.
6Watching you doubt yourself while the narcissist remains totally certain
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A narcissist will never reveal if they feel uncertain. In fact, the more uncertain they are, the more they'll hide it.
It shows up in other ways though, and that can mean them projecting their uncertainty onto you so you feel it. It's a little bit like carrying a heavy bag home, and handing it to someone else to deal with so you don't have to put up with it.
Hurtful comments don't exist and never happened. You're accused of things you don't even recall being a part of.
Your intentions are mean. Your concerns are evidence that you're needy or overreacting.
If a narcissist is watching you doubt yourself and encouraging that, they will feel absolutely overjoyed. Meanwhile, they don't flinch because why would they?
They have it all, and they're watching you struggle to even remember what happened that morning.
Their motive is to keep you small, and keep you constantly questioning everything but them.
7Seeing you believe that they're the only one who can make you happy
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I hate this one with a passion. It is so damaging beyond belief that I have to let you know how sick it is.
The scariest part of the narcissist's control is when they gradually make you believe that your happiness is dependent on how happy you're making the narcissist.
It's like a twisted tale of needing each other, but in truth, you don't need the narcissist, and they don't need you. It's only the dynamics that teach you this, and if I want you to learn one thing, it's that your confidence doesn't need to be undermined by them.
Everything you do has nothing to do with them, until they make every part of your life their business.
The narcissist's behavior does not determine your worth.
