A child will turn 13, and everything seems to change overnight. If you can take yourself back in time to what that feels like, you’ll know the feeling that comes with your narcissistic parent suddenly losing interest in you.
Every part of attention you were offered will start to fade, and quietly over time, becomes non-existent.
You’re at an impressionable age and you wonder what you’ve done wrong, and the truth is:
Nothing.
The interest that’s been lost has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the toxic parent that you were unfortunate enough to inherit.
1Caring feels like a thing of the past
Narcissistic parents actually teach their kids quite a bit growing up if you sit up and pay a little attention.
When you are small, for example, a narcissistic parent will give you all the interest and attention when it suits them, but none of that is ever about you. It’s only ever about what you, as a child, can give them.
The smaller the child, the easier they are to control, so a narcissist will do things just to hear things like this in return:
Your child is so bright! Look how cute they are! You must be so proud. They are doing so well. They’re so clever for their age.
You show them off, not because you’re proud, but because what you get back is compliments, validation, admiration; people look to you as the reason why your kids are the way they are.
You look great, and that works all the while your kids are doing good things.
Suddenly, your child has become a huge source of your supply, right up, that is, until they reach the kind of age where they start becoming their own person.
See also7 Ways Narcissistic Men Punish You for What Their Father Did to Them
2Unlucky for some: The second you turned 13
Prepare for it to all change. The age of thirteen comes, and the narcissist is going to have the shock of their life:
Teenagers start to get opinions. They want to spend time with their friends instead of staying home and performing for their toxic parent. They even start answering back. They close their bedroom door. They stop being quite so easy to manage.
All of this is a narcissist’s worst nightmare, especially when they’ve had 12 years of heavy, abusive control.
This is where projection starts: The narcissistic parent wants to inject their teenager with guilt, and this is what you can expect from them:
See also5 Passive Aggressive Tactics Narcissists Use That You'd Never Recognize As Abuse
You used to be so sweet. What happened to you? You really think you’re all that now, don’t you? You think you know it all.
Suddenly, growing up and being your own person is a problem, and no, that isn’t fair at all.
No parent grieves the loss of your child’s childhood this way; they just don’t. This is unkind and unnecessary.
What it really shows is the grip the toxic parent is having on their now teenager, which for them, is a visceral pain.
3As control gets hard, the narcissistic parent checks out
If a narcissistic parent can’t feel power, they know the control they’re so used to is literally slipping through their fingers.
They’re done.
They check out.
No longer do they have a cute, impressionable toddler they can bark demands at from sunrise to sunset; they have a teenager. In my eyes, your kids should be just as lovable at all ages, but narcissists sadly don't think like me.
See alsoA Narcissist's Inner Circle Is Usually a Mirror of Who They Really Are
Teenagers enter this era of their life where they develop a personality that exists away from their parents. This is a natural part of life and should be encouraged, after all, who wants kids who are just like us? They’re their own person, and they have every right to explore that safely.
When you’re a teen and you have a narcissistic parent, this parent won’t know what to do with you. Suddenly, they can’t show you off like they used to, and if you’re starting to become somewhat of an individual, they won’t be able to take credit for any of it.
You’re a person; not a reflection of your toxic parent.
As far as narcissists go, people are only judged by how useful they are, and teens are not useful at all.
This means that yes, interest dwindles. You didn’t fail them at this point, you simply grew up, and it was something they couldn’t stand.
You were supposed to always grow up, yet these kinds of parents make you feel like something’s wrong with you.
Nothing is.
4Dynamics and change and toxic parents can shift roles
It can all change, believe me. If you were always down to play the unfortunate role of scapegoat, you can expect to be ‘upgraded’ in the narcissist’s eyes to golden child.
Perhaps you only know what it’s like to be the scapegoat, and to never know what it’s like to not get the blame for absolutely everything.
Having siblings means that you do get to witness what this is like as a part of your life, and you won’t know any different.
Narcissistic parents are also good at reshuffling roles depending on whether or not the old dynamic was working in their favor or not.
This is what happens as kids get older; the narcissist needs to be able to do what it takes to maintain control, and that goes to show none of this was ever about love.
It’s only ever about who is the most useful at any given time.
See alsoWhat Narcissists See When They Look at Their Children
5You start to chase your narcissistic parent’s approval
Who’s been there before? Chasing your narcissistic parent’s approval is so painful.
It’s the cruelest part of all of this, as you feel them slipping away when you reach an older age. You want them to love you like they seemed to before, but even then, it was anything but love.
You try to shrink yourself as a teen to earn back something that wasn’t unconditional. I wonder how many of you have thought about that; if you had to chase at all, what is it that you’re actually chasing?
I need to do better in school. I have to pass that exam. I should stop pushing back so much. I need to just start agreeing with everything they say.
What are you trying to achieve? Because nothing you do is going to be anywhere near good enough for this toxic excuse of a parent.
They were only withdrawing the illusion of love, remember that.
6You grew up, but you weren’t to blame
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This was only ever about how much the narcissist needed from you, and when it was no longer possible to get it, they turned their back on you.
Growing up and transitioning into your own person with your own opinions, thoughts and beliefs is something we all have the human, basic right to be able to do.
You have not failed anyone for merely existing.
If your narcissistic parent has lost interest in you, it’s because they struggle with you being bigger in spirit and presence than they are.
You deserve better then, and you deserve better now.
