Being born to a narcissistic parent is something none of us have control over. Our needs are that of love, but instead, we are forced to comply, to compete, to admire someone who never truly loves us back.
You are told to be quiet when it suits the narcissist, but to be loud when you need to make them look good for whatever reason.
Every single stage of your life is made up of what your narcissistic parent wants from you, and it's never about what you want for yourself. If that sounds familiar, you've come to the right place.
And the confusing part? You spent years thinking this was just parenting. It took you until adulthood to realise it was a role you were auditioning for.
1 The Trophy Stage: Being little
Although you're brand new to the world, the moment you're born into it, you are cast in a specific role if one of your parents is narcissistic.
You won't know you're playing that role, but you are seen as this golden opportunity by your toxic parent because you are suddenly an extension of them.
Your existence is based on how you reflect on them while you're at playgroup, or when you show up at birthday parties, or down at the school gates. I just know she's going to do something special with her life. He is so bright. He's so confident.
She has got the world at her feet, I can feel it. Once you get that very same parent home behind closed doors, they will apply the pressure to that child early on.
"Be good." "Be quiet." "Don't say or do anything to embarrass me." "Perform to the best of your ability no matter how you feel."
And my personal favorite that the narcissist more internalizes, but wants all the same:
"Do as I say, not as I do."
If you are the type of person who emotionally doesn't fit the picture, you can forget about it. Your narcissistic parent will shut you down quicker than you can blink if you are inconvenient with your feelings because they aren't what they expect or want from you.
Get on with it; I had to. You need to toughen up. This world is cruel, and you're in it. Stop being so dramatic.
You're crying, you're worried, you're sad; but none of it will matter, and all those times will get swept under the carpet, with a request to replace them with a stiffer upper lip. You learn that certain feelings aren't allowed very fast.
You learn to read the room before you learn to tie your shoes. That's not childhood, that's surveillance dressed up as family life.
2 Proving Your Worth Stage: Those fragile school years
It's hard enough to get through those early years living with a narcissistic parent, but as soon as you start to get older and enter school, you start to become sheer evidence for your toxic parent.
Everything you do reflects back on that parent, and they feel as though they get the vote in whether or not you're the child they're proud of and happy to be associated with through every grade, every recital, every sports day, every spelling bee.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIf you were to get top marks, you'll be seen as the perfect kid, and your narcissistic parent will take that credit for themselves.
If you struggle, it's because you're lazy, you never apply yourself, you've always got your head in the clouds, you have a poor attitude, or you just don't focus enough on the important tasks. What will everyone think of you?
I don't think there is ever an excuse for humiliating your child, especially if they are trying to battle a subject at school they may not naturally find easy. If you were to do well, never expect this parent to be proud.
Instead it will be things like, "Keep it up. Now you just have all the other topics to pass. Don't get complacent. You're just as clever as your old man!"
Sound familiar? Any praise gets rerouted back to them, and any failure gets pinned squarely to you. The scoreboard is always rigged.
3 You're a threat Phase: Those fractious teen years.
It starts to get so chaotic during these years, after all, any teenager during this time wants to push back anyway, and so pushing back against a toxic parent is only ever going to end one way!
Complications will arise when you start to form opinions, and I mean the kinds of ones that show you are an individual, and not just agreeing with your narcissistic parent to keep the peace. A narcissistic parent will also not be able to stand the idea that you're pulling away.
Even though it's normal for a teenager to want their own space and privacy, these things will feel like an attack on your toxic parent, who won't hesitate to punish you for doing so.
When you're old enough to start wanting a little of your own independence to explore the world, or make friends, the narcissist will only read this as, "I cannot control you, and I have a severe problem with this."
Right here is where the narcissist wants you to revert back into the person you were before you started wanting autonomy. You were so much easier to manage back then, and you were smaller and more inclined to ask them for help or advice.
You were less sure of who you are. That, for the narcissist, is a huge problem.
I had a client tell me once that her mother started reading her diary at fourteen and calling it "just being involved." That's not involvement, that's panic.
4 The Stage of Debt: Adulthood enters the building
Adulthood arrives, and the narcissist has to watch you grow up, move out, and build a life for yourself. It feels at this point as if you owe them more than you've ever owed them before, as they reflect on your life until now with terms and conditions.
After everything I did for you! Your availability isn't up for debate: it needs to be there for your narcissistic parent, and they want you to show up and take their call and be there for every family event possible.
You aren't really allowed your own life, even if you're trying hard to forge one for yourself. The moment you start to set a boundary is right where you're labelled selfish, or if you say you can't do something they want you to do, you're told you're ungrateful or spiteful.
The narcissistic parent just wants to be a part of your life, at least, that's what they'll tell you to make you feel guilty and keep you close. The trouble is, while you're that close and bound, you're not fully living your own life, are you?
And they know that. The guilt trip isn't accidental, it's the whole strategy. Keep you close enough to answer, too tired to build anything of your own.
5 Don't expect it to ever stop
It doesn't stop when you have a narcissistic parent who never learns that their place in your life is to encourage you to grow and support you, rather than use you as some kind of commodity that they live vicariously through.
It's not fair to treat your kids this way, but a narcissist will never learn that.
You might be fifty years old and still suffering the control and manipulation of your parent who has, for your entire life, held this narrative over you that you're someone who must obey, and not thrive.
Your existence shouldn't be based on what you can or can't offer that parent, and if you're made to feel like that, then you should be questioning how much more of your life you're willing to sacrifice in order to appease them.
At some point you have to ask yourself the harder question. If nothing changes on their end, what are you actually waiting around for?
6 When Grandkids Enter the Picture
Just when you thought you were safely on the other side of parenting yourself out from under them, you have a baby. And guess who's back at the front of the queue, arms outstretched, ready to rewrite the whole story?
Your narcissistic parent now has a brand new audience, a fresh little person who doesn't know any of the history. That grandchild becomes the do over they've been waiting for. They'll show up with gifts you didn't ask for, opinions you didn't invite, and rules that directly contradict yours.
"Oh, one biscuit won't hurt." "In my day we didn't worry about all that." "Let Grandma have them, you're being uptight."
You're watching them try to build the same dynamic with your child that they built with you, and it's chilling because you can see the pattern now. You couldn't before. And when you push back and protect your kid, suddenly you're the villain, keeping the grandchildren away out of spite.
Does any of that land close to home?
7 The Sibling Setup You Never Signed Up For
If you have siblings, your narcissistic parent has already assigned you roles, whether you realise it or not. One of you is the golden child, one of you is the scapegoat, and sometimes there's a lost one in the middle who just tries to stay invisible. These aren't accidents.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThey're deliberate positions designed to keep the three of you competing instead of comparing notes.
Because the moment siblings start comparing notes, the whole thing falls apart. Your parent knows this. So they whisper different versions of the same story to each of you.
"Your brother is worried about you." "Your sister said some really unkind things." Suddenly you don't trust each other, and you don't know why.
What the narcissistic parent wants is loyalty to them, not to each other. They want you calling them for updates on your own siblings. They want you as competitors for their approval well into your forties, fifties, beyond.
The saddest part is how many adult siblings only reconnect properly after the parent dies. Years of manufactured distance, and none of it was ever really about the two of you.
