Eventually and I'd say with many narcissistic family dynamics, the scapegoat will walk away. Not because it necessarily makes them feel amazing, but rather because they have simply had enough.
The golden child is widely assumed to be the favorite, and the one who holds everybody together, but that couldn't be further from the truth:
It is the scapegoat.
When they leave and walk away, they're not only shaking the family as a whole; they have the potential to knock down everything the narcissist built.
1Isn't the scapegoat the one the narcissist family wants rid of?
That's what I think is widely thought of:
The scapegoat is the problem child.
They are difficult.
They are so dramatic.
They're never grateful.
They ruin all events.
“Your brother never gives the family this much trouble!”
Easy then to think they're the one everyone should be like; the one who is the best thing about the family, but have you ever thought about it like this:
You as the scapegoat are always the one seemingly letting the narcissist down. You're the reason why they always have an excuse to complain. Whenever there's an issue with the family, the narcissist will point their finger at you when they need to.
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You did this, you did that, you're always proving that the family isn't perfect.
The narcissist can attack you both to your face and behind your back, and over time, you become the explanation for any reason why the family isn't perfect.
If there's tension, cracks, failures, the finger and trail can be pointed and followed back to you.
Thank goodness you're there, right? Thank goodness you are the one who can give the narcissist exactly what they need whenever they need it.
The problem is when you remove yourself from those dynamics. You take yourself away because you are sick and tired of playing a role that removes your good nature and character from existence. You no longer want to play along, and have found that if you just step away permanently, your stresses will melt away.
Guess what?
Once you're gone, all of the times the narcissist complains about you will be gone. They won't exist any longer.
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You are not their excuse. How can you be if you aren't even there?
2The scapegoat is the one that holds the house of toxicity up
I don't think any scapegoat wants that to be their role, but that's what they're assigned by the narcissist.
All narcissistic families have to run on blame. There needs to be a person who constantly gets the short hand of that stick, and if that person is you, then you are the scapegoat.
While you're absorbing all the crap the narcissist throws your way out into the world, the golden child (the “favorite”) gets praised. Literally nothing they do is wrong, and they're worshipped like clockwork throughout their entire life.
The parent who enables all of this gets to remain comfortable, and that can sting.
What about you?
You're the one who carries and holds every single uncomfortable emotion everyone else refuses to acknowledge or feel.
You hold and carry the anger. You deal with the shame. You see and carry the dysfunction.
See also7 People a Narcissist Fears More Than You Fear Them
This is so much, right? It's so much to carry.
It's also not a small role to play at all, is it? You are holding up the whole game all by yourself, and you are the blueprint for how the whole family functions.
When you leave, everything you've been carrying gets dropped. The emotion it all brings with it has absolutely nowhere to go, and the narcissist can no longer look to you as the main target of their blame.
Everyone else glances at each other.
“Now what do we do?”
3There is so much the golden child can't do: your job role
We all know how widely a golden child is celebrated by the narcissist; they make it so obvious. They are adored and held up like they are the most important person in the world. If you gave them even an ounce of the emotional weight that you as the scapegoat had to carry just for a day, these people would buckle.
They were built for the much more sickly job of holding up the narcissist and how glorious they are. These people are the performers: the ones that achieve and have to shine that light for the narcissist.
They need to constantly be seen and heard saying the right things, making sure they smile on cue and make the narcissist look good at all times.
Your roles are totally different.
While the golden child was fitting those shoes, you were being screamed at, absorbing all the crazy chaos at the dinner table to try to keep the peace and pacify the narcissist.
You sacrificed yourself to keep that peace. I know that isn't the most painful role to be in. You want peace the most, yet you are the one who is blamed and shamed the most by far.
The golden child has no place stepping into that. There's just no way they'd cope for a single day, let alone a lifetime.
They've been forced into a role so contrasting to yours that neither can understand the other, yet without the scapegoat, the narcissist falls apart.
If the golden child were to stop being golden, the narcissist won't have anyone in the family who complies and craves the narcissist's validation.
The golden child stays in their lane. The scapegoat stays in theirs.
See alsoWhen You Marry a Narcissistic Mama’s Boy, You’re Marrying His Mother Too
So many of you fill the role of scapegoat, and that's why you often reach out to me. You want answers. You want to make sense of it all.
I don't blame you.
4When the scapegoat leaves, this happens
First off, the narcissist will experience a world of pain. Their time controlling the family dynamics and controls will come to an end, as the narcissist watches the one person who tolerated all their crap walks away.
The narcissist panics, and that isn't because they love you, but because without you in the system, there is no system.
Prepare for the following:
“We miss you a lot.”
“The family isn't the same without you.”
Again, there is no love in these phrases; nothing but a person who realizes that you played a critical role in the machinery…
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…and you walked out the door.
It won't be long before the golden child starts cracking under pressure. They haven't got anybody to compare themselves to now that you're gone.
There is no pressure to be perfect without you making them look good, so their identity and image slips through the cracks in a very tumultuous, brand new family dynamic without you (the scapegoat) in it.
You know, it's not even unusual for a golden child to become the new scapegoat.
The narcissist is looking for a replacement; they need somebody to absorb the blame, but that can't be a problem that you hold onto or absorb.
After all, you as the scapegoat were never the one to blame, you were the one who was actually brave enough to no longer want to absorb it.
