It's typical of a narcissist to raise both a golden child and a scapegoat. These two people are different in both body and mind; you honestly couldn't get two more contrasting people.
Over time, they will likely be pulled apart by the narcissist, who will pull those strings and make it happen. Then one day, the narcissist will be old, and suddenly, that golden child has disappeared. What now? Who has to jump in and take care of the narcissist?
You got it…
…The scapegoat. Where's the injustice in all of that?!
You spent years being the family punching bag, and now you're the family nurse. Somehow the person who caused the wound is asking you to bandage it.
1 The golden child is nowhere to be seen…
Do you have a golden child in your family dynamic? My guess is for you, they'd be your sibling, and if that's the case, you're about to read some very familiar things. The golden child is the child who can do no wrong.
These are the people, and they can be men or women, who get all the praise and phone calls from their (your) narcissistic parent. I'm so proud of you! You did amazing! I knew I raised a good one! You deserve it and more!
All well and good for them, right? But what happens when that narcissistic parent gets old? Suddenly, the golden child is nowhere to be seen. They're so busy, and rather than show up for the parent who so clearly favored them all those years, they are very busy.
They're out of town. Their work is a priority. They have a busy family life and can't come over to do their part.
The excuses will roll in, but it will be the same kind of thing and all boil down to the golden child not doing anything to take care of their narcissistic parent. Ironically, the narcissistic parent won't push back on that.
Every excuse that golden child has will be taken with grace and accepted. Then in steps you, and I will assume you to be the scapegoat because if you weren't, you wouldn't be here.
If you don't show up, if you miss one call, if you forget a prescription, you get the guilt trip, and it's a loud one at that, without hesitation. Oh, I guess I don't matter. After everything I've done for you. I thought you'd show your face.
Nothing is worse for you, and no matter how much you try, you can never do anything right in their eyes.
I had a client tell me her brother, the golden one, sent flowers on Mother's Day from three states away and got called a saint. She drove the school run daily.
2 Nobody anticipated this flip of the script
When you're so used to a certain dynamic, it's unlikely you'll be unsurprised at this flip of the script. Usually, with aging narcissists, they will still like to be in charge of the family narrative, and you'll likely hear things you've never heard in your entire life.
We all get along so well. We're a strong family. We all need each other at some point. We should all be able to trust and support each other. The years they criticized you will be dissolved into their ego.
All the times you got the silent treatment will be forgotten. Even all the ways you've been blamed for literally everything that went wrong with the family; you won't hear any of that.
Here's where many victims assume that it's because their narcissistic parent has some kind of epiphany where they repent and reflect, but it's nothing to do with that. It's more that you are the one there now, taking care of them.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseNow they want to act as though there are warm and mutual feelings there, when really you spent your whole life feeling like some kind of outsider.
It's not fair, and it's hard for people who have spent their life trying to adjust to the dynamic they were born into, only to find themselves taking care of the very person who abused them, belittled them, and took away every ounce of confidence or opportunity for them to do well in life.
And if you dare mention the past? You'll hear, "Oh, you're still on about that? I don't remember any of it that way." Convenient memory, isn't it?
3 Guilt? Bullseye!
When you have an aging narcissist to care for who is forced upon you, the last thing you'll be thinking is that they want you to show up because you love them. They don't care about love; they never have.
They care about how to make you feel, and in this instance, it's to make you feel guilty for all the years you backed away because you were, well, pushed away.
You probably couldn't stand to be near your toxic parent, and now they're getting older, they will hit you with the classic lines:
If you really care about me, you'd do this for me. I won't be here forever, you know. Someday I'll be gone. Your sister and brother have got their own lives to live, and I don't want to trouble them.
Your guilt means they still have control, and in making you feel it, they're able to still get under your skin and run your moods like always.
What you're seeing is a person who is still protecting the preferred siblings from the burden of having to care for them, and so they call upon you, the one most likely to say yes because they know they've got you right where they want you. It's cruel.
Right when you thought things couldn't get any worse; they do.
The guilt hook is designed to bypass your logic and go straight to the kid inside you who still wants their approval. That kid is the one they're calling.
4 If you feel angry, then you've every right to
I wouldn't blame you if you did! You're being asked to do something pretty big here, aren't you? You're being asked to step into a role that has been left specifically for you to do, by someone who spent your whole life making you feel so small and insignificant.
To me, that's not fair, and it shouldn't be fair to you either.
You're not a bad person for noticing that you feel angry, and of course, you'll probably be told to let it go if another family member picks up on it, but that isn't going to make you feel any better.
Besides, there's an awful lot to let go of if you've been denied a childhood, or if you're still waiting for an apology that you never got. Or what about your toxic parent quietly chipping away at your character with each passing year?
Those are enormous things to be asked to let go of. Nobody understands what it's like unless they've been through it, even if you explained it to them, most people would make excuses for your narcissistic parent. They were just trying to do their best. Cut them some slack. No.
You don't need to cut anything.
Anger, in this situation, is information. It's telling you that a real wrong happened and never got named. Sitting with that anger is more honest than pretending it away.
5 You get to be in charge of what you decide
If you want to help, then help. If you do it on your terms, then those boundaries must stay and not be trampled on by your narcissistic parent. Whatever you decide to do, you aren't the bad child they've painted you out to be.
You still went through what you went through, and you didn't deserve any of it. Just because they need care now, that doesn't mean you have to suddenly see that as an apology; it isn't. Surviving being the scapegoat is no mean feat, but you already did that.
What comes next is totally your call.
You can care from a distance. You can hire help. You can say no to certain tasks and yes to others. None of that makes you cruel. It makes you a whole person.
6 What about your own family who need you?
Here's the part that keeps you up at night. You have your own kids, your own partner, your own job, maybe your own health issues that nobody ever asks about. Where does all that fit in when your narcissistic parent has decided you're on call?
The truth is, it doesn't fit. Something has to give, and it's usually your own household that pays. Your kids notice when you're distracted or short with them because you've just come off another draining visit.
Your partner starts to feel like they're second in line to a person who never treated you well in the first place.
And your parent? They won't ask about any of it. Not one question about how your daughter's exams went, not one about your husband's surgery. Because in their world, your family is a competitor for your attention, and they resent it.
You are allowed to protect the people who actually love you. Your own children deserve a present parent far more than your narcissistic one deserves a full time carer.
7 The flying monkeys start circling
Just when you thought this was between you and your aging parent, in fly the reinforcements. Aunts, uncles, cousins, old family friends, all suddenly very invested in your parent's wellbeing. Or rather, in what you're doing about it.
You'll get the phone calls. "Your mother tells me she barely sees you." "Your father sounded so lonely when I spoke to him last week." "We're all just worried about how much stress this is putting on him." Notice who they're not worried about.
The flying monkeys don't need to know the full story. They only need the version your parent has fed them, and that version always casts you as the cold, ungrateful one. You're the daughter who won't visit. You're the son who holds a grudge.
What makes it worse is these people often genuinely believe they're helping. They think they're gently nudging you toward doing the right thing, when really they're doing the narcissist's pressure work for free.
You don't owe them an explanation. You don't owe them a defence. They picked their side long before this conversation started.
