The narcissist man will drop everything at the first sight his mother needs him. As her tiny teardrop falls, he will be there to scoop it up and tell her everything is going to be okay.
When you sit across from him, telling him all your problems and worries, he barely gives you a second glance. Why is that? His blank face isn't for nothing. To him, you're just his wife.
His mother gets the son. You get the leftover version, the tired one, the bored one, the one who thinks you should already know what he needs without asking.
This is why he treats you so differently from the kindness he offers his mother.
1 Yes, the narcissist is capable of feeling something
Don't mistake a narcissistic man as not being able to feel anything; they can, but it all depends on who you are and what role you play in his life.
You marry someone who is this toxic, and you assume they never have any empathy, but the truth is, his empathy acts like a switch that he turns on whenever he wants.
He decides who gets that, and who is worthy of his time, support and feelings, or the closest thing you can get to having any at least. For his sister, she gets support when she needs it, but he will never really jump in for her unless he has to.
For you, you get nothing except darkness and trouble. For his mother? Well, she is the lucky one…
…She gets everything, and she's the only one too.
I had a client whose husband would drop everything for his mom's grocery run, but couldn't be bothered to ask how her hospital appointment went. Same man, two completely different people.
I think when you finally get to figure that out, you can at least start to make sense of those dynamics more.
Even though it can hurt to have it laid out in front of you like that, at least you're sitting in the truth instead of what you've been trying to ignore.
2 Telling you you're too sensitive but then with his mother…
This is overlooked as being cruel, and I will tell you why. Narcissistic men will tell their wives how sensitive they are, or any other comment that their wife will take on and wear like a weight on her shoulders.
When you're told every day that something is wrong with you, a person can go from feeling a little sad that they're hearing it, to actually starting to believe it themselves. Needy. Sensitive. Dramatic. Too much. Boring.
Whatever it may be, it acts as a label that you take on and somehow, over time, convince yourself that you are. You're made to feel like an inconvenience because you cry and are punished for daring to have a feeling. Then, in comes his mother.
She calls, and she's a little upset about something that isn't really that big of a deal, but the narcissistic man switches into full protection mode, and wants to be there for her. He is warm, patient and kind, and he validates her as much as he listens to her.
There you are in the doorway, watching him hold space for his mother when this is the same man who dismisses you and rolls his eyes while you're on the floor sobbing your heart out.
How come she gets this version of him and you don't get anything of the sort?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe answer is simple. His mother has a role he needs to keep sweet. You? You're already caught in the web, so the mask can drop.
3 Why is he so soft and kind with his mother? Is it love?
The way he is soft with his mother should tell you everything you need to know about the type of person he is, except he only reserves that softness for her. This is where red flags are waving, and alarm bells are sounding.
The softness doesn't come from the feeling of wanting to look after and protect his mother, although it's definitely going to come across that way. Instead, I like to call it image management.
Being the good son props up the whole show. Without her singing his praises to the extended family, who is he? Just a man his wife knows too well.
This is the woman who shaped him growing up, and shaped how he perceives the world and how he presents to it. If he isn't keeping his mother happy in some way, he's going to let his identity down, causing it to fall to pieces.
He needs this type of relationship in order to make sure the person he wants to be is always showing up and reflecting not just into the world, but also back to him, too. I'm a good person. I care. I'm kind. I want to be there for my mother.
I'm a good son. I am focused on my family. All sounds commendable, doesn't it? Behind closed doors sits you, and potentially the kids you share with him. You see the real person; the man who is snappy, critical, and mocking anything you dare try to do for yourself.
Automatically this puts you down as a major threat to the narcissist, because you threaten his image, and so he cannot afford to be soft with you as it may all backfire.
Plus, if he acts that way, he's acting like he has something to be sorry for in the first place:
Never going to happen!
4 Over time, that means for you…
It's not ideal for you, as you're someone who just wants to be in a relationship where you feel happy and safe. You want to know he has your back, but that's not happening here, is it? So let's go to what that means for you.
You're a person who can deal with a lot, but over time, it gets too much for you, and you eventually end up slowing down what you do for the narcissist you married.
Your pain starts to be managed more quietly, and you stop trying to offer your needs to him because he never listens anyway. You shrink those needs until they are practically invisible (yet they still exist).
You say, "I'm strong, I don't need anybody," and if you have kids, they're learning that from you. They're learning their dad is a funny guy, and makes lots of people laugh at family events, but when he's home, he's cold and calculated, and he shouts a lot.
One woman told me her son said, "Dad only smiles at Grandma." She laughed when she told me, then she cried. Kids notice everything, even when we hope they don't.
They're equating all of this to love.
5 Worst of all…
You've tried to show him what he's doing, and even though he is so obviously doing it, he will deny it all. You're comparing yourself to my mother?! There's nothing wrong with how I treat you. You're just never appreciative. You're a grown adult. She's got nobody else.
Every time you try to have that conversation, you end up walking away from it feeling bad, and like you were unreasonable for daring to try to have feelings about it. Maybe that's where you need to open your eyes and see the game for what it really is.
Right there, in that moment you feel bad, is right where the narcissist wanted to put you.
That's the whole point of the denial. It's not about defending himself, it's about relocating you back into guilt so you drop the subject entirely.
6 You never asked for too much
If someone is empathetic, they don't pick and choose who that empathy is reserved for. He can't sit on the phone to his mother for an hour listening to her while treating you how he does.
You've watched him laugh gently at her stories, softly asking follow up questions, being patient. Then he hangs up and snaps at you for breathing too loud. Sound familiar?
If you feel, you feel. I think that's a thought I want to leave you with, and it will hopefully open your eyes to see just how cruel these narcissistic men can be (to whom they choose!)
7 The Golden Boy Act In Public
Watch him with his mother in a restaurant. He pulls out her chair. He orders for her because he knows her favourite. He laughs a little too loudly at her stories, touches her arm, calls her by that soft childhood nickname he never uses at home.
And people notice. That's the point.
Waiters smile. Other diners think, "Now there's a good son." Someone might even say it to you across the table, "You're lucky, he clearly adores his mum."
Meanwhile you're sitting there stunned, because two hours ago he was hissing at you in the car about the way you loaded the dishwasher.
The golden boy act is theatre. It's him showing the whole room what a warm, devoted, wonderful man he is, banking that goodwill so nobody, nobody, would ever believe you if you spoke up about what happens behind your front door.
I had a client tell me once, "Everyone thinks I got the perfect husband. His mother tells me every week how lucky I am." She wasn't lucky. She was drowning in public applause for a man who wasn't real.
8 What His Mother Actually Taught Him About Women
His mother taught him something specific, and he learned it well. She taught him that women exist to serve. To cook, to soothe, to admire, to never complain, to smooth over his rough edges and call it love.
Maybe she waited on his father hand and foot while being treated like furniture. Maybe she poured everything into her son and told him he was a little king. Either way, he watched. He absorbed. He grew up believing this is what women do, and this is what men receive.
So when he married you, he wasn't looking for a partner. He was looking for another version of that arrangement. Someone to keep the machine running while he took the credit.
And when you push back, when you ask for equal footing, when you say "actually, no", it doesn't compute. You're not following the script his mother handed him. You're malfunctioning.
That's why he's kind to her and cruel to you. She confirmed the story. You keep interrupting it.
