When it comes to narcissistic abuse, I think I can pinpoint one day that changes everything. It's when you pick up your phone and decide to call or text someone who's been on your mind, only to find out you've been blocked.
You go to another person; they've blocked you, too. You're trying to realize what's been happening, but what actually comes through for you is a unique and welcome form of relief that finally, you made it to this point! Legend status: activated!
You stand there, phone in hand, half laughing, half in disbelief. A minute ago you were bracing for the usual sting, and now there's just quiet.
1 Blocked by every single one
Everyone. The narcissist has blocked you, along with their flying monkeys, all those who heard and carried their lies like they were under employment with them, the whole lot. Even their mother!
They're all gone, and for you, you're thinking, "Wow, this is a lot of people to be bothered by me all at once to the point where they want to block me."
It's a strange moment because you have grown so used to the drama and chaos these people all brought with them. You've been so used to their lies, their texts, their calls; any way of contacting you to try to make your life more difficult. Suddenly, they're all gone.
You have no idea why or when, but they all removed themselves from your life and contact list, and the whole point of this article is to show you why this happens.
One client described it as opening a door expecting a storm and finding an empty hallway. That's the feeling. Confusing at first, then oddly peaceful.
2 Think about who the real winner is…
Real winners may not be who you think they are, because in this instance, it's you. For all these people: the narcissist, the flying monkeys, and the mother, to block you, you probably had to do something pretty terrible, right? I mean, it's the only way it'd be possible.
Well, for them, what you did was terrible, but to anyone else, including all the professionals out there like me, you did a great thing. Ah! Now I have you confused! You see, your great thing was that you chose to implement strong boundaries.
You become loud in the face of abuse, where being quiet was no longer a sensible choice for you. You healed to the point where you felt like a brand new person. What happened?
EVERYONE decided that you were too much to deal with, because you drifted from your role as victim to survivor. You became the problem. You did not comply, and you were unable to make them feel good about themselves any more.
The whole system of abuse is only built on people who are manageable, because that's where the control lies. For you, that was something that crumbled in front of their very eyes, and they were lost for words.
There was a script you were supposed to follow that a narcissist and their helpers throw out into the world, and in you refusing it, you refused the absorption of it. That may have included the constant apologizing, or how small you made yourself to make them comfortable and happy.
Somewhere along the way, a meeting was held, and it was decided that YOU should be ousted and blocked. And so I'll ask you this…
Did they win, or did you?
You did. And the answer isn't even close. Winners don't need a group chat plotting who to block. They just live their lives.
See also 6 Things Narcissists Secretly Fear After Hurting A Good Woman3 Flying monkeys are commodities, nothing more
Like anything and anyone with the narcissist, a flying monkey is a person with a use, not a person they necessarily like or even want around for any other reason than to cause you misery.
I want you to sit with that for a moment, because it really does mean something important. These flying monkeys didn't just block you because they had an issue with you; it's because they were told to.
Maybe having you in their life made the narcissist have these huge problems they knew would be solved if you were blocked, and so they asked, and made it happen.
The fact that you were a complication for the narcissist at all proves that you're doing great things in standing up for yourself and healing in your own journey, but nobody will ever see it that way. These people were never destined to be your people, please know that.
As for the narcissist's mother; she has spent her life protecting her 'child who can do no wrong,' and there was no way you were ever going to come along and change her mind. Impossible! Predictably, she will block you and pretend you don't exist.
As for the narcissist, it stands to reason that they're going to make themselves unreachable, as if it's going to cause you untold panic and fear of not being able to call or text. I ask you though, is it really a problem?
If anything, it sounds like major freedom to me!
No more waiting for the phone to buzz with something cruel dressed up as concern. No more, "I'm only saying this because I care." Just silence.
4 Blocked by people the narcissist keeps score of
I know it may cross your mind that you've been blocked because you have somehow lost. They thought you were too much, or too messy.
They decided that you were a challenge to be present with, and all those things will rattle around in your mind like nobody's business, but I assure you, you'd be wrong in thinking it.
The fact is, you were blocked because all those people who blocked you needed someone to control and manage, and when you shifted out of that role, you made that impossible. You were so yourself that it wasn't possible to get under your skin as you stopped playing that game.
You stopped being who they needed you to be, and started being who you needed to be. You should be proud of that, and see yourself as this legend who has overcome the worst to get to where they are now.
Your unpredictability scared them, and now all they see is your faint silhouette in the distance as you continue to walk away, unbothered by their blocking.
And why does the silhouette bother them so much? Because it doesn't turn around. It doesn't check. It just keeps walking, and that's the part they can't stomach.
5 A fine farewell? I wouldn't bother!
Listen, I will tell you something that you need to understand…
…You do not need closure from anyone in order to have it. Don't wait for their permission before you move on; it's worthless and a waste of your time and energy. You wait for someone to finally see what's been going on. You wait for an apology.
You wait for an explanation, and you get nothing. None of it will ever arrive, and so what's the point in hoping?
So stop refreshing the inbox. Stop rehearsing the conversation you'd have if they ever came back with a real apology. That conversation isn't coming, and honestly, you don't need it.
Take this clean cut they made in blocking you as the one sign that you are to now move on and live your life. They exited, and you should be pleased about it because of why they went.
There wasn't really anything you had to do other than stand up and show yourself as a visible, brave and confident person. The narcissist, their flying monkeys and mother will all hate that.
As you enter this new chapter as someone the narcissist was unable to control, you are now seen as a legend. It's just you who has to realize this in order for you to know just how far you've come.
6 The panic block: what actually happened on their end
Picture the scene on their end for a second. The narcissist is sitting there, phone in hand, realising they can't reach you. Not with a kind message, not with a nasty one, not with the usual guilt trip dressed up as a check in. They tried, and nothing came back.
That's a problem for them, because your reaction was the whole point of everything they did.
So what do they do? They panic. They call the mother. They call the flying monkeys. A quiet group discussion happens somewhere, and the collective decision gets made to block you first, before you can do it to them.
It's a pre-emptive strike, born of the fear that you might actually be the one walking away.
They'd rather be the ones who shut the door than admit the door was already closing. Blocking you lets them tell themselves they had the final word, when in reality, you stopped listening a long time ago.
7 You'll want to check. Please don't.
I know the temptation. You've been blocked, and there's this itch to open a friend's phone, or make a burner account, or ask someone to just have a quick look at what the narcissist is posting. See if they've said anything about you. See if they've moved on.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never RandomSee if their mother is still telling everyone you were the villain of the story.
Don't do it. Please.
Every peek pulls you back into a room you've just walked out of. You handed yourself freedom by being blocked, and checking is you knocking on the door asking to come back in. It's you saying, "I know I'm out, but can I still care what's happening in there?"
The answer needs to be no. Not because caring is weak, but because your energy is a limited resource, and pouring it into people who've made themselves unreachable is a slow drain you won't notice until you're empty again.
Let them be a closed chapter. You've read enough of that book to last a lifetime.
