Marrying the narcissist may seem like a dream come true for you, but in reality, there are two people you're actually marrying, and I don't think many victims are aware of this. As you sign that contract of marriage, you're signing up to marry his mother, too.
She is the one person in his life who is never willing to let him go. Are you prepared to enter this dynamic? Has this happened to you before?
I want to discuss all the ways you know you've got into a whole heap of trouble with a woman who just cannot give up her precious son.
I had a client tell me her mother in law had a key to their house and used it whenever she pleased. No knock, no warning, just footsteps in the hallway.
1 His mother was never far away
The person always in the room; the mother. I think sometimes people notice it early, but the proof will be in what you see that you cannot ignore. His mother calls three times per day.
He checks his phone at dinner and sees it's her, and he drops everything to call her back. He insists on visiting her every Saturday and each visit always runs into the entire day.
At first, you thought it was sweet, but it became clear to you that she isn't just an important part of his life, she is an essential part of every day. When you're doing things, he will drop those things in order to even reply to a text.
He's allowed to be close to his family, but this isn't that. This feels like she doesn't respect your boundaries as a couple, and neither does he.
When she has an opinion on where you should live, or what school your kids should go to, or how to decorate your home; that's where alarm bells should sound, and sound loudly. Make sure you're feeding him regularly, he loves his chicken meals. You know. You know him, too.
But she insists that nobody knows him like she does.
And she'll say things like, "He's always been a fussy eater, you'll learn." As if you're the new babysitter, not the woman he married.
This is just the start, you know. His mother will never be far away, and you won't be able to create any kind of healthy distance between you.
2 Growing up, the narcissistic man you married heard this
I love you so much. Nobody will love you like I do. You're my boy. And you always will be. What you need comes first, but so do I. Imagine hearing these kinds of comments on repeat until they just become a part of someone's life.
Long before you came along, these comments were drummed into him, and it only proves the following phrase to be true:
Narcissistic mothers never raise sons; they raise extensions of themselves. She wants all of her control to be reflected back to her to make her seem flattering and attentive. She is neither. You come along and want a real partner, and you meet this guy?
You've no idea what is ahead of you. If you assume he's going to put your relationship first, you're asking him to put aside the one person in his life who has made him feel unconditionally loved, regardless of how he behaves and how he treats people.
Are you going to be the same? He knows you won't be. That's why he chooses his mother over you every single time, and why you can't compete with someone who created this personality in the first place.
One woman told me her husband literally paused mid argument to take his mother's call. She sat there, ring on her finger, watching him melt into a little boy again.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 You never knew any of this was even possible
You know all those times you put a boundary in place? Or what about the moments you both disagree and end up arguing? They all file back to his mother, and she holds them on record.
You didn't know it was possible to have a relationship with a mother and son, yet here you are answering to both of them, and having her jump in your business at all costs.
You need to know that any narcissistic man will tell his mother everything, even down to the most private of matters between you. Nothing will be sacred, and even when you whisper your troubles in private, they will too be shared with his mother.
That fight you had about the dishes? She knows. The tears you cried after the anniversary he forgot? She knows that too, and she has opinions.
You're tired, you just want your husband, and yet here you are unknowingly sharing your pain with her, too. You don't know it at the time, but this is what happens, and it's sadly so common.
Furthermore, his mother will store everything she hears about you because she might use them against you at a later date. Sounds familiar, right? That's exactly where your toxic husband learned it from. Anything she hears is ammunition, and don't forget it.
4 The narcissist thinks you're always too sensitive when it comes to his mother
You see how they are constantly working together? It's all you'll hear:
Why are you so jealous of how close I am with my mother? It's not my fault you're needy. You're being difficult and you know it. These are words used by a real mama's boy, and don't forget it.
She is the third wheel in your marriage, and it's never going to be any different. If you have the 'nerve' to even point it out, you're the problem, and he will never side with you on the matter.
And mommy dearest is loving it, standing behind him with that little smug look, knowing full well she's won again. She always wins. That's the whole setup.
In fact, your thoughts are correct; this is not a healthy dynamic. Instead of agreeing with you, your husband is likely to just think you're too much of anything negative in the hope you back off and keep quiet.
5 Mama is going nowhere!
What you don't want to hear the most, sadly I can't allow it to pass by. His mother is going nowhere. He won't choose you over her, and that's final.
If you want the marriage to work, you're going to have to admit that your relationship with your narcissistic husband is going to have to take a backseat. This is no phase; he will not grow out of all of this.
Instead, you're going to have to admit that you're destined to share your marriage with his mother. This is a woman who shaped him and made him the man he is.
He knows they're as thick as thieves, and for that reason, he will never toss her to the side of the road in favor of you.
Expect her to defend her behavior, no matter how over the line she steps, while simultaneously making you the problem over the smallest of matters. Sadly, that's just how it is, and how it will always be.
One woman told me her husband actually said, "She's my mother, you'll get over it." That was his answer every single time. She stopped asking eventually.
6 I wish you'd known this before the wedding…
The day you married him, you deserved to have someone show up who was present and whole for you. You deserve an emotionally healthy and available man, and instead, you got this mess.
To have someone who chooses you feels like nothing else, but you'll never experience that if you stay stuck with toxic people. Your narcissistic husband's mother will be the co-pilot in your entire journey, and you will be designated to economy in the worst seat imaginable.
And she'll be whispering in his ear the whole flight. "Are you sure she's cooking that right? That's not how I taught you." You'll hear it forever.
You didn't sign up for this, yet it's what you got. When you see things clearly, I can only hope you escape in good time and give yourself the future you deserve.
7 The holidays become her show, not yours
Christmas morning at your place? Cute idea. Won't happen.
She has traditions. Traditions he grew up with. Traditions that apparently trump anything you might want to build in your own home with your own husband.
Thanksgiving is at hers. Christmas Eve is at hers. Christmas Day starts at hers. Easter? Also hers. Any birthday within a fifty mile radius somehow gets absorbed into her calendar.
You suggest hosting one year. He gets that look. You know the one. The little wince, the shifting in his seat, and then, "Mom would be really hurt if we didn't go there."
So off you go. Again. Watching her fuss over him like he's still seven. Watching her serve him first. Watching her hand him the biggest slice of pie while your plate sits there empty.
And when you finally, quietly, mention that you'd like to start your own traditions, she cries. He panics. And somehow you're the one apologizing by the end of the night.
Happy holidays.
8 When the kids arrive, she thinks they're hers too
You thought you were having a baby. She thought she was getting a grandbaby to raise.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never RandomFrom the moment that child arrives, she's got opinions on everything. How you're feeding them. How you're holding them. Whether they're too cold, too hot, too spoiled, not spoiled enough. And your husband?
He nods along with her because she "raised him and he turned out fine," so clearly she knows best.
I had a client once tell me her mother in law took the baby out of her arms at the hospital before she'd even had a chance to nurse. Just lifted the baby right out. Nobody said a word.
The comments never stop either. "In my day we did it like this." "He was never fussy with me." "She just needs her grandma."
What she's really doing is planting her flag. This is her territory now. Your role gets quietly demoted to the woman who happened to give birth, while she takes on the starring role of the wise matriarch guiding everyone through it.
