I know at first his mother will have seemed lovely, and you've every right to believe she was being genuine.
That warm, complimenting woman entering your life, pulling you in and making you think she's lovely…
…Yeah. That won't last. You are not part of her family, even if that's the impression she wanted to give you. The trap was trusting her and believing she was someone you could turn to in a crisis, or even just for a nice, trustworthy chat.
She's not your friend. She's his mother, and blood wins every single time, no matter how many cups of tea she poured for you.
Here's why.
1 The mother knows exactly who her son is
How long have you known the narcissist? A few weeks? A few months? A few years? Are you married, living together, engaged, or just dating? You'll probably think, "The longer I've known him, the more he has my back."
Nice thought, and nice ideal to live by. Sadly, it won't matter whether you've known him for a week or ten years, it's never going to be as long as his mother has.
This man, this person you fell for; she's been watching him grow since the day he was born. She has not only overseen his personality, she's had a big part in moulding it, too. That means she's:
Seen the tantrums and dealt with them how she knows how. Never held him accountable for his actions. She's seen him lie, and laughed or brushed them off like they're nothing. She's seen, or even taught him how to manipulate.
He's likely learned from her, knowing however he treats someone has come from what he's seen in her. She's seen him be cruel, perhaps even toward her. She makes excuses for him. Do you see what all of this combined has the potential to do to someone?
She has been far more than someone who has just stood by and let this happen, she's been in charge of it herself.
I had a client tell me her mother in law once whispered, "He's always been a handful, dear, you just have to know how to love him properly." Translation? Good luck.
This may be what you want to remember the next time she's sitting there with you, nodding along and saying, "I know exactly what you mean. I know how sensitive he can be."
What she really means in this instance is:
I know exactly how he is, but if you think I'm not going to defend him, you've got another thing coming.
This is the first red flag you need to be able to see that she's never going to be your ally, even if you feel there are signs she really likes you. Ultimately, she loves her son more.
2 Her choice will always be him
Being with a narcissistic man can leave you feeling as though you want to reach out to somebody, anybody, to speak to them about your experiences. That can include his mother. She's there, and she seems so approachable, and so you do.
Confiding in her at the time doesn't feel like a mistake, but you will learn the hard way when you speak to her:
I don't know what to do any more. You cry, and you expect full sympathy. You at least hope she sees what you're struggling with so much. The nodding, the 'hmm,' the intent stare? All present.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseMothers of narcissists are even known to reach out and hug you, hold your hand, or tell you they hear you, and you really think they do.
What happens after that is what you want to look out for, because that's when she makes her choice, and it will never be you. Every word you said, in the order you said it, will be remembered and used against you.
His mother will call him, or pay him a visit and make sure he listens to everything she has to say. The truth is (and it'll be a hard one for you), that blood wins every time.
You were never going to win against a family that has learned their strength is when they're together. Even if you marry into this family, or spend decades involved with them; you won't be the original members. Those are the ones they fight for. Those are the ones they defend.
You're a guest in the dynamic, and unfortunately that means whatever you say or do is going to get back to the narcissist. There are no secrets, only allies.
And her ally? Him. Always him. She might dab her eyes while you talk, but by dinner she's dialling his number saying, "You need to hear what she told me."
3 His source of supply also comes from her
A narcissist will always be different around their mother, and you'll never be able to fully put your finger on it. I'll tell you what it looks like:
They regress. They become children all over again, acting up, playing around, making jokes, because they loved that dynamic growing up. It's a role they played that they can't escape. They switch on the charm. They want their mothers to feel swept up by them, and proud.
They want to turn up looking and feeling wounded, like life has been tough on them. What does that mean for their relationship? It means the mother can switch on her own role as the parent who falls into being a source of supply.
She is reliable, and the narcissist knows it. The narcissist shows up with this ego that is constantly draining, and she will spend however long she needs to trying to fill it back up for him.
And she does it happily, because in her mind, she's still needed. Being needed by her son is her whole identity, and he knows exactly how to press that button.
Oh, leave them alone. They don't mean it. They're just joking. Give them a break. It's just how they are. These words come from his mother, and you're expected to do as you're told and mind them because of whatever pathetic excuse she comes up with next.
Each sad excuse acts like a brick between you and her that means you'll never be able to be held as meaningfully in his eyes as she is. I get it; it's so trapping. You aren't imagining that.
4 You speak, she relays it all
It hurts, trust me. I've seen your comments and worked with enough of you to know how it can affect you. Here it is:
Every time you open your mouth to speak, even if what you say is valid and needs addressing, you are offering her a weapon to use against you. What do I mean by that? I mean your:
Insecurities Fears Wishes Everything you've said that leaves you vulnerable Hopes
Everything is filed away in her mind, and one day it will all return to you through the narcissist in some random conversation that will leave you standing there shaking your head. You wonder, "How do you know all of this?"
It's because they talk. You told my mother you weren't happy. You told her you didn't like that. You went behind my back, and you know it. Yeah, you did; you remember. That was when you spoke to her in confidence, and she broke that by running to her son.
And it's never delivered as concern. It comes out as ammunition. "Well, mum said you've been complaining about me again," with that smug little tilt of the head.
At that point, it should be obvious to you.
5 She will never be your ally, even if she smiles sweetly
Don't fall for any of it. Some mothers of narcissists are cold and uncaring, and you will be able to spot them easily, knowing to keep your distance. Others? They are just as sneaky as the narcissist.
They're warm and come across as loving people, but they have a motive, and they will never side with you. The only thing you can do is remain polite, and keep your private life private.
The second she knows something personal, it goes straight back to her child. I've seen it happen so many times. What you share at Sunday lunch becomes ammunition by Monday.
6 She Trained Him To Be This Way
Look, I'm not saying she sat him down at age five with a manual on manipulation. But somewhere along the way, she modelled it. She showed him that love is conditional. That guilt is a currency. That other people exist to serve you.
Ever noticed how he does that thing where he goes cold on you for days over nothing? Watch her. She'll do it to her sister, her neighbour, the woman at church who dared to bring the wrong dessert.
He learned tone from her. He learned that sigh from her. He learned how to make you feel two inches tall while smiling, because he watched her do it over Sunday lunch for twenty-something years.
So when you go to her, hoping she'll say, "I know he can be difficult, I'm sorry," you're asking the architect to condemn her own building. She won't. She built him this way, and in her eyes, he came out perfect.
You're the one who doesn't fit the design.
7 The Grandkids Card She'll Play
If you have kids with the narcissist, brace yourself. His mother will use those children like a bargaining chip, a peace flag, and a guilt trip all rolled into one.
See also THIS is What Makes Narcissists"But they're my grandbabies, you can't keep them from me." Cue the tears. Cue the sudden phone calls after months of silence. Cue the gifts showing up at your door.
She's not calling because she misses the kids. She's calling because access to them means access to you, and access to you means she can keep feeding information back to her son.
I've heard it a hundred ways. "She showed up at the school." "She sent a card with his address on it." "She told my daughter that mummy was being mean to daddy."
And when you say no? Suddenly you're the villain. You're the one keeping a poor old woman from her grandchildren. She'll tell anyone who listens, and she'll make sure her son hears it loudest of all.
The grandkids aren't the point. You are. They always were.
