Wedding rings are a symbol of love, commitment and honesty. They show that two people want to be together, and are worn with pride. You show up on the day in your finest attire, make your promises, and sign on the dotted line.
Soon enough, you'll be wondering why you feel so alone, and why your marriage feels like a hollowed out idea of what love should be. Maybe it was always this way; maybe you only saw him with his mask on and now you're seeing the truth.
Men like this don't know how to be husbands, and here's why.
A client told me once, "He wore the ring, said the words, but the second we got home he acted like I'd trapped him." That's the pattern.
1 The idea of you was what hooked him in and wanted to marry you
I don't mean this in a way that describes you as someone who nobody could possibly want to marry, because that's not true. You'd find someone who would love you and take care of you, but sadly, if you met a narcissist, you've given your heart to the wrong man.
Marrying the idea of you in simple terms means he married the version of you that made him look good. You were there, greeting his family when you first met. You were all smiles, showing them that you're the perfect woman for him, and you made him look good.
You told them all how much you love him, and how special he is to you. It made him look like someone who could be loved by others rather than who raised him, and his family will love that about you.
You also laughed at his jokes, showing him that he is funny and well worth being in the presence of. Most importantly, you didn't think to question him. Why would you? There's nothing to question.
As far as you're concerned, you're happy, and you met someone who is fun to be around, and who seems caring of nature. Then came a slight change, and that was you being human and wanting things other healthy humans want. You had needs of your own.
You had hobbies and friends. You had a job you loved, and a purpose to fulfill. These were not good for the narcissist, who saw your independence as a threat to their control of you.
Suddenly the girlfriend who made him look golden had a life of her own, and he couldn't stand it. The prop had opinions. The accessory had a schedule.
That's when his interest in you started to disappear, and that's where you'll hopefully notice the huge red flag waving in your face.
2 While husbands actively show up, the narcissistic man does nothing more than attend
Hard to hear, isn't it? I think it's harder to admit that this is the case than actually experiencing it. Having a man who is present is every woman's dream. They know the difference between company and appearance, and the narcissist is only interested in appearance.
You felt it every day, but you didn't want to accept it as the truth. It always shows up best when you're struggling; your husband will be by your side, asking what they can do to help you, or just being there as a shoulder to cry on.
I had a woman tell me her husband, the narcissist, watched her cry after a miscarriage and said, "Are you going to be like this all night?" That was it.
A narcissistic man? The ring may be on your finger, but they don't care. Your pain or needs are an inconvenience to them. A husband will ask, "How are you?" They will await your answer.
A narcissist will ask, "What's up with you?" and won't even wait around for your response; they'll be gone, eyes rolling, into another room. A good man will pull you in and hold you close.
A narcissist will push you away and put a block of ice between you so you can't get near them…
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House…Then they will call that ice 'space.'
3 The performance of his lifetime: his wedding
It's horrible for me to even say it like this because actually, you deserved the wedding of your dreams, with the man of your dreams, that leads to the life of your dreams.
If you think about it; the way he proposed, the plans, the venue, his speech, it was all so amazing, wasn't it? It felt like you were with someone who truly loves and cares for you. Only that's not what he was thinking.
The man you married, the narcissist, used your wedding day as the performance of his lifetime. None of it was for you, or to show you how much he loves you.
It was a stage to play on, to show people that he got you, and that he is good enough to marry. The wedding is the start of a campaign that enhances his image.
The ring on his finger acts like some kind of medal that he won, and as soon as that wedding is over, so is the show.
It may even begin as soon as the wedding night, when you want a little love, and he's too tired or stressed to show you an ounce of it.
One woman told me her husband rolled over on the wedding night and said, "I've done my bit today, give it a rest." That was her first real glimpse.
As soon as you see the road ahead for what it is, you see a life that is nothing but hollow and filled with pain, but that's not going to be so obvious as he takes to the stage on the day of your wedding.
4 The vows that mean nothing over time
You go from exchanging vows and filled with hope to this:
I do everything for this family! Other wives aren't this needy. I married you! What more do you want from me?! There it all is; the sign of someone who only married you under pretenses that you didn't know existed.
Vows meant everything to him when he was showing off in front of everybody, but now you're being neglected, mocked, criticized, and attacked every day. This was not what you expected.
Showing up to a ceremony to celebrate your love is not the same as showing up for your marriage, and that's where narcissists fall short all the time.
One woman told me her husband said, "I already married you, why do I have to keep proving anything?" As if the ring was the finish line, not the start.
This is no husband, but sadly it's what you come to understand to be one. Your standards are set the moment he starts treating you like this, and many people think this is how all marriages work. It's not.
5 Married, yet only by signature
While he is telling people that he is a great, hardworking husband who does all he can for his family and wife, he also takes his words and believes them. I provide. Great. He goes out every morning, and comes home every night.
In between, he is complaining to you that he's doing it all, despite knowing you are playing an important role, too. You feel lonelier in this marriage than you've ever felt, and that's down to having to grieve the marriage you thought you'd get. You didn't imagine any of it.
This is a man who tricked you into believing they were someone that they weren't.
The ring on your finger becomes a receipt for something you never actually received. A wedding, yes. A husband? Not really. Just a man performing the title in public.
6 A husband is for a lifetime, a wedding is for a day
The real issue here, isn't it? A marriage is built on loyalty, trust, commitment, compromise and respect. A wedding is built on an image people want to portray. A husband tells you he is listening, a narcissist tells you that your problems are an inconvenience.
One client told me her husband actually said, "Can we not do this tonight? I've had a long day." Every night. For years. That was his vow.
You deserved more, and you got someone who will never appreciate you. Yes, you've got the ring, but you don't have what that ring represents:
Real love.
7 The honeymoon phase? What honeymoon phase?
You know that glow people come back from the honeymoon with? That soft, tanned, giggly, cannot stop talking about it energy? Yeah, don't expect that with a narcissistic man.
The honeymoon becomes another performance stage for him. He picks the destination, he books the hotel he wants, he tells you what you're doing each day. And if you dare suggest something different, watch the mood shift right there on the beach.
I've heard women describe their honeymoons as the loneliest week of their marriage. Sitting across from him at dinner, wondering why the man who chased her so hard now seems bored, distant, glued to his phone. She's asking herself, "Did I do something wrong?" No. He got what he wanted.
The ring is on. The paperwork is signed. The chase is over.
And the sad part? She spends the whole trip trying to recreate the version of him that proposed. Trying to earn back the warmth. That version was never coming back. It left the moment the plane took off.
8 Anniversaries: another day to forget
Anniversaries roll around and you find yourself doing the mental gymnastics. Is he going to remember? Should I remind him? Should I book something myself and just pretend it was a joint idea?
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never RandomYou shouldn't have to do any of that.
A narcissistic man treats anniversaries as an inconvenience. Another date on the calendar demanding effort, thought, and (worst of all for him) attention on you. So he forgets. Or he "forgets", which is really just him deciding it didn't matter enough.
And when you bring it up? Oh, you'll get, "You know I'm not into that kind of thing," or, "Why do you need a specific day to feel loved?" or my personal favourite, "I show you every day, isn't that enough?"
No. It isn't. Because he doesn't show you every day. That's the whole problem.
An anniversary is a small, easy way to say I still choose you. He won't do it because deep down, he's not choosing you. He never was. He was just choosing what you could give him.
