Painfully, victims of narcissistic abuse find it difficult to pinpoint a single moment the narcissist told them exactly what to do with their life. A narcissist would add weight to that by asking them, "Tell me when I told you specifically what to do?!"
You stand there, your mind blank; you've got nothing.
Sadly, that doesn't mean the narcissist doesn't control your life; they just do it so covertly that you don't even know it's happening.
When you think you're making choices for yourself, the narcissist is in the dark behind you, pulling all the strings.
Here's how.
1They make your choices feel so exhausting, eventually you stop making them at all
It's the drama behind everything, isn't it?
The narcissist knows you have a choice to make, and instead of supporting you, or allowing you to make what you think is the best one for yourself, they make it difficult.
"What about this?" "Have you considered that?" "Why haven't you done this?" "What about what everyone might think?" "Have you really thought long and hard about it?" "Are you sure you know what you're getting into?"
You just want to sit down and wish you didn't have to make the choice at all, and that's completely understandable.
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I need you to know that this is what the narcissist's aim is; to get you to a point where you can't be bothered to decide at all. They're hoping you see any decisions as eventually overwhelming, so you pass all that power to them.
Convenient!
Soon enough, you're just someone who follows rules, does what they're told, and doesn't make a sound about it.
2Whenever you do something for yourself, the narcissist goes noticeably cold
A client once told me, "I'd be out to lunch with a friend, and he would get the notification on his phone that I'd spent money. I'd get a text within 30 seconds asking me if I was enjoying spending the money while he was hard at work. Eventually, I just stopped doing anything for myself because the text would hit me and make me feel guilty, even though he could do whatever he wanted."
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That's the narcissist's inner motto: do as I say, not as I do.
The control here is to make you believe that you don't come first, and that your needs don't matter. The narcissist wants you to feel guilty that you've boosted your confidence, or seen a friend, or gone to that yoga class, anything that might involve a boost to your wellbeing.
They will go cold, potentially punishing you with the silent treatment to prove their point, and in turn over time, you learn to put your needs on the back burner and make sure everyone else has got what they want.
3They make you feel selfish because you have plans that don't include them
"You're going without me?" "Wouldn't you rather stay home with me?" "I've not seen you all week." "Haven't you done this twice already this week?" "Why do you have to make everything so busy, except your time for me?"
No words of being selfish need to be spoken, but every implication that they think you are will be fired your way, and of course, you don't stand a chance in defending yourself because you feel so guilty.
The truth is, a narcissist doesn't want you doing anything that doesn't involve them. They want to be the center of your world, and if you are making plans without them, you're proving that you don't need them in order to be happy or have a good day.
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This behavior slides in over time, and then you're the one who looks in the mirror and sees someone selfish.
4Making you feel like all your decisions need to come with a dollop of justification
"I only did that because…"
Clients are always telling me how much energy they give to justify their reasons. One says:
"Every time I made a decision, I felt like I was running it by him. I could tell by his face he wasn't happy, and so I wanted to try to change that back to a happy face. I used all the words I could to raise a smile or a nod of approval, but it never came. In the end, it just became, well, not worth it. I let him have what he wanted for an easy life."
It is exhausting when all you want is to live your life making choices that suit who you are, and any dreams you have.
When you are with a narcissist, they don't want you to have dreams, so that's why they make sure they pour water all over the fires of your plans.
You're not allowed to aim high. You're not allowed to try to be successful. You're not allowed to feel confident in your decisions. You're not allowed to take credit for anything you do.
5A narcissist will make you feel like something is wrong with you because you want something different
It's a truth that makes victims stop in their tracks when they finally realize the scale of what's been going on.
You want a different job because you want to earn more money, or build your way up the career ladder. The narcissist inhales sharply, wondering where this brand new audacity has come from.
"Are you crazy?" "That means driving an extra ten miles for your job." "You shouldn't really be taking on any job with even more stress."
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The control is to whip you back into shape, and pull you into the dead end job you've been stuck in for the past twelve years. The narcissist was happy with you there, and they knew how to keep tabs on you.
Leaving and going somewhere else means meeting a whole new team of people, and gaining more skills that help you grow and become more confident.
BIG TRIGGER ALERT.
The narcissist hates growth, unless it's them doing the growing (or their bank balance). Seeing you want something different means that maybe someday, you'll want someone different.
Also a big trigger!
6Encouraging you to doubt people who see the good in you? Check!
"Do you not think they just like you being around to help them?" "They really get on my nerves." "Every time I see them, they're lying about something."
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Little seeds of doubt are planted, and that's exactly what gets into the victim's mind. Those seeds eventually grow into you not being able to trust anyone, except the narcissist, of course.
If you have a skewed perception, you're much easier to control. The narcissist will ensure that whatever they do and say, it works in their favor.
It's sad, too, that you can't hear or see the good that others see in you. One good thing comes along, and it's taken away immediately by someone who doesn't like your ego being boosted.
For you, you may not think you're being controlled, but I assure you, there is so much going on that you don't see.
