We all know how much a narcissist loves a confrontation, but no confrontation will ever stop a narcissist in their tracks.
What I want to talk about is one thing that does. Believe it or not, the one thing that halts any movement from them is a simple question, and it’s really just one.
Calmly, this question is asked, and the narcissist is unable to hide their shock at your audacity. Not only that, but answering your question means everything they do is at the point of being unravelled.
Stay tuned to find out what it is.
1 Not what, but why: the ultimate trick, the ultimate question
Can you explain to me why you did that?
You’re not asking what the narcissist did, you know that already. You’re asking why they did it.
I know it might sound like a really simple question, but trust me, it comes packed with so many layers that I am going to try my best to understand what they all mean.
It’s a trick question, and that I’ll start with.
Narcissists are incredibly used to performing for everybody, they love to flip a script and turn everything into everyone else’s fault. These people are able to charm an entire room without even busting a nerve, but if you’re asking them to sit with what motivates them in this context, you’re going to see a totally different game at play.
I want you to try to think about the last time you asked something similar, and how it felt. Maybe it was after the narcissist canceled plans with you again, or perhaps they said something really unkind to you in front of the people you love.
You asked, “Why did you do that?!”
What happened next, can you remember?
For God sakes, it was just a joke. Lighten up! What’s gotten into you today? I can never seem to do anything right, can I?
If that sounds familiar, that’s because this is what all narcissists do. None of those statements or responses is an actual answer, it’s just a way to make you feel bad for daring to stand up for yourself.
2 One of three things happen, but they all equate to deflection
I’ll go in strong by stating that no narcissist will answer this question the way you want them to if you were to ask them.
When this happens, they’re going to do one of three things.
First, the attack may come. They want to have a go at you for asking the question at all, and will make you regret ever trying to get this kind of answer out of them. Underneath that attack is sheer shock that you even had the courage in the first place to do it, but you did.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThey could also use that moment to rewrite everything that happened, turning it around to be something you’re actually responsible for happening. That’ll make you think, “Maybe I am the problem…” This is precisely what the narcissist wants.
The narcissist might even make the conversation be about your audacity, that you have some kind of nerve doing this to them. They want to put you back in your place immediately, and that means shaming you for speaking up.
Ultimately, the narcissist is looking for you to apologize and realize that you have no place asking this question at all.
They don’t want you to ask it again.
This is where a narcissist will reveal their true character, and the part that you need to pay the closest attention to.
Heaven forbid they say, “You know. I had a bad day and I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have. It was wrong.”
Don’t ever expect that kind of self-awareness.
3 Panic, anger, more panic: incoming!
Pushing that question is an interesting moment, as the narcissist rarely reacts well to the fact that you’re pressing them.
Can you tell me why you did that?
There is panic, and it’s obvious from the start as soon as that last word falls out of your mouth.
The narcissist looks at you, and they will respond somewhere among the following:
There will be an eye roll They may rage at you The good old, “I’m not doing this with you right now” They will turn around and leave the room, blaming your “anger” on wanting to bow out
It’s all pretend, and the narcissist is trying to cover themselves because they actually just don’t want to answer your question. That’s what makes this whole thing fun!
A confident person who has nothing to hide will stick around and give you what you want, even if it means opening up to behavior that’s been less than ideal. They don’t need to make matters worse, and they wouldn’t want to either.
Speaking like this to a narcissist, and asking them this amazing question means you get to walk them into a corner they’re unable to back themselves out of.
They’re well aware of that, and I think you need to be well aware, too, because you currently have this power you’ve never had, and that’s where the narcissist is their most shocked.
4 Where do you even go with all of this?
It’s hard to know what to do next when you’re in such unfamiliar grounds, but let me assure you that there is a simple way to carry on in that moment and still come out shining.
You stay calm.
That’s the crux of it. Staying calm will allow for everything else that needs to happen, to happen, without fail.
Let the silence, or the narcissist’s awkwardness be, and don’t use it as an opportunity to backtrack, or say something to soothe their clear shock. Don’t try to dive in and rescue them, because they don’t need that. They need to be exposed so you can see just how toxic they really are.
As they inevitably skirt around the issue, double down:
I hear what you’re saying, but I asked you specifically why you did it, not what I did. Listen to the question properly.
It doesn’t need to be loud, it can be as gently as you want it to be, but it needs to exist in a way that you’re not letting it slide, nor are you willing to glaze over it with an excuse, or them leaving the room and worming their way out of it.
Stand strong, stand tall, stand confidently, and watch what happens next. Whatever the narcissist says won’t be what you want to hear because it won’t even be an answer, but that’s still information that you need in itself.
Don’t bypass any of it.
5 Something was off, and you knew it
Of course it was. Something is always off with narcissists; they don’t know how to be normal, or kind, or honest.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThis question hits so hard because you’ve probably been attempting to ask some kind of version of it to the narcissist for years now, and you haven’t got anywhere with it.
You try to make sense of their behavior, but you can’t because their behavior itself never made any sense.
You wait for an explanation that never came, and here you are, not willing to give up.
That says so much.
The narcissist cannot be honest, and they never will.
