I always like to tell people this:
A narcissist will hate you the most when you’re living your life and being fabulous without even trying.
It’s their worst nightmare really, and a very difficult thing for them to have to sit and tolerate.
It could be the way you make your coffee, or the way you laugh at something your friend texted you. Maybe, even more seriously, you hold a strong boundary the narcissist hates.
Without even trying, you’ve got their back up, and that’s exactly what I want to unpack today.
1Jealous? Wait, why?
I know; hard to believe, right? A narcissist being jealous doesn’t seem like something you should be a part of, after all, you’re just being you.
You’re not too loud, too confident, too over-the-top, too much of anything. You’re happy with a Wednesday night in while everyone else is out, so you can catch up with your favorite TV shows and enjoy some peace. You’re happy with your job, even if it isn’t the highest paid in the world.
That, right there.
That is why the narcissist is jealous of you. You don’t perform for anyone, least of all yourself. You aren’t interested in competing with people, or trying to impress everyone you meet.
You love being you, and you don’t consider your life to be special, yet for the narcissist looking in, it’s everything they wish they had; you’re everything they wish they could be.
Watching you exist normally riles them because they are just unable to fathom what you get out of life.
Little do they know, you just love being you.
See alsoHow Living With A Narcissist Actually Makes Your Body Sick
So yes, it’s very possible for narcissists to be jealous of you. That shouldn’t mean you stop being who you are because you’re seen as some kind of problem, though.
2The performances of the narcissist
To be a narcissist means to be constantly working hard to pretend, fake, charm and mask every single day. I think people think it’s easy for them, but it takes a huge amount of effort to put their performance out into the world, and trust me, they have to calculate each move down to the finest art.
This usually means everything a narcissist does is for a reason; they can never just be. What comes out through their wild, toxic behavior has a kind of purpose attached to it. What do I mean by that?
You look amazing today! (How useful are you to me?) I believe in you more than anyone else. (Stay close to me, because I need you to admire me.) You’re the only person who really gets me. (I want you to believe we are really connected.)
See also5 Passive Aggressive Tactics Narcissists Use That You'd Never Recognize As Abuse
They don’t know how to switch off and be quiet and still; they find that impossible.
So the performance must continue.
As they sit opposite you watching you be chilled and carefree, they know they wish they could do it, too. You can disagree with someone without turning it into the next big drama or conflict that you’ll be talking about for months.
You’re at ease with yourself; with life.
As the narcissist learns this about you, they can feel themselves genuinely cracking.
3The narcissist would never admit this…
Imagine wanting what you can’t have. You’d probably get over it pretty quickly, wouldn’t you?
Not a narcissist!
They hang onto the things that are out of their grasp, waiting, wishing, demanding those things be theirs. They can’t figure out why they’re not able to automatically obtain whatever it is other people have that are so shiny and bright.
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What you have, the narcissist will never be able to own, at least not genuinely anyway.
Sure, they can pretend to be comfortable with who they are. They can pretend to like peace and quiet, but really, they’re never going to know what any of those things and more really feel like.
They see you unbothered that you’re not the most interesting or impressive person in the room, and they just can’t figure out how you care so little.
You built all these little traits about yourself because they align with who you are and what you want your purpose to be. You didn’t even know you were building them, and you didn’t even try.
That’s what really bugs the narcissist, I think. When you’re busy shrugging off criticism they throw your way, they wonder what on earth they can possibly do to make any of it land the way they hope.
You make a decision based on what you want, not who you want to validate. You connect with people with your natural, authentic ways about you, and the narcissist is working ten times as hard to even get noticed.
And there you are not even aware of the narcissist’s envy, because you’re too busy living your best life.
4Here’s why the narcissist tries to take this from you
You think you’re so much better than everyone else, don’t you? I’m just being honest with you, and I think I’m the only person you know who has the courage to do that. I’m saying what everyone else thinks. You’re being way too sensitive about this.
If a narcissist can make you question yourself, they will stop at nothing to make that happen.
Deep down, a narcissist is uncertain. They perform to hide all their insecurities.
They constantly seek approval and validation from external sources. They want to get you to be like them, so this, they feel, is the best way to do that.
Misery loves company, right?
Each time a narcissist chips away at you, they’re showing you that their attack is anything but random. To target you means they are going after the one thing they just can’t produce for themselves: happiness.
See alsoChildren Of Narcissists Develop Survival Skills Most People Never Reach
If they can break you apart, the gap between you and the narcissist starts to feel smaller.
We’re the same, you and me.
No. You’re not.
They wish you were, and they so desperately want you to be, but you aren’t fundamentally the same kind of person at all.
Have you ever had a narcissist in your life so willing and determined to take from you everything that you feel good about?
It happens all the time, every day, and in a way that seems so effortless, too.
5You can’t leave without knowing this
You show up as yourself. You don’t run your life by a strict script that you’ve written.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
These are two things you are doing by nature that the narcissist was never able to do, and never will be.
You aren’t doing it to bother them; you don’t even consider yourself to be a problem at all, yet to the narcissist and all their horrible colors of envy; you’re a huge problem.
Your aim was to not play a game, but to live your life as best as you know how. You’re real, and so is your life, and that bothers a narcissist like nothing else.
So keep being you. Keep standing tall, being warm, showing up, being perfectly imperfect, and owning each day.
The narcissist shouldn’t matter to you.
