Marrying a narcissist never actually feels like marrying a narcissist, that's the entire point of falling into their trap and getting sucked into the charm they're feeding you.
You meet someone perfect, and when you realize that this isn't going to be your life, you start to see all the ways you show up, giving everything to this toxic man, while getting nothing in return.
You believed him when he said he wanted to build something real with you, and now your partnership feels more like a one-way contract.
You give, he takes, and somewhere along the way the word marriage stopped meaning partnership and started meaning your unpaid full time job.
Here's what that looks like in more detail.
1 I know he proposed, but…
…All is not as it seems, I can assure you. And I hate saying it, because it sounds as though I'm trying to make you feel bad, but all I want is to open up and reveal exactly what narcissists are like.
Yes, your narcissistic husband was once your loving, charming boyfriend who got down on one knee and promised you the world. He told you that he'd give you whatever you wanted, and you believed him. Of course you would; he was convincing.
Right there is where it became more about what he wanted you to hear, rather than what was actually true. It was a version he sold you that you believed, because all you wanted was to be with someone you love and who adored you.
In a way, it was as if he was interviewing for the job of being your wife, and in how he treated you, you accepted him to be your one and only. He ticked all the boxes, and said whatever it took to get into your good books.
From the first day he starts that job, everything changes, and that charm wilts away to nothing. How did we get here? You ask him, but he looks at you like he doesn't know what the heck you're talking about.
It's you who is doing everything, and you manage the kids, as well as the calendar, and whatever else needs doing. Not only that, but you're checking the temperature of every room you walk into in case you're walking into something that you might regret.
You are managing the marriage, and he is letting that happen. He isn't asking how your day was, instead he is living the life he wants while you take care of that day, and every other, among your own responsibilities. Life becomes unbearably unfair very quickly.
I had a client tell me that her husband, six months in, said, "I told you what you wanted to hear. That's your fault for believing it."
2 Keeping score, keeping track
Then we have the sad behavior of the narcissist, where he does very specific things that you'll immediately spot. Everything has a score attached to it.
This scoresheet is already unfair before you even know what is on it, because it's about everything you owe him being on it, and everything he owes you being omitted from it. I am working hard! What more do you want? What do you do?
You should be grateful that I don't cheat. I am always helping your family out. Why are you complaining right now?
It's classic of a narcissist to hand you the bare minimum, while you bend over backwards to do everything and more he asks of you, and it's still never enough. He wants you to clap every time he remembers something microscopic.
If you point out that it wasn't done properly, the whole world falls down. He looks at you as if you've lost your everloving mind, and of course, you'll end up feeling as alone as you ever were. In his mind, the marriage is only functioning because of him.
See also 6 Things Narcissists Secretly Fear After Hurting A Good WomanMeanwhile you're the one holding the whole thing together with tape and coffee, and somehow he's the one demanding a medal for showing up.
3 Intimacy that suits him and neglects you
I don't want to just talk about one type of intimacy, because right now, we need to be realistic. Intimacy comes in many forms, and a narcissist can neglect you in so many ways by withholding all kinds of intimacy.
For example, your narcissistic husband will tell you all his stress. He will tell you all his problems at work, and anything that's currently frustrating him. He wants you to know all his opinions on absolutely everything, and you'll listen because that's the type of person you are.
Rarely, it'll be you who wants to speak, or it's you who has things on your mind. This is where you'll notice the narcissist backing away, acting like you don't matter.
He will be there while you're talking, and he'll be checking his phone, or making whatever you're saying about him. Even worse, you can hear things like:
You're making this about me? You're saying I'm a terrible husband? Right there is where you pivot and start comforting him, even though you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Hardly seems fair, does it?
This is not a badly placed communication moment; it's a system the narcissist has designed to make everything one-way: his way. Nothing will change, either, so I hope you never expect it to.
Sound familiar? That moment where you open your mouth to speak and within thirty seconds you're the one apologising for bringing it up at all.
4 He will never be accountable
You know, I'm a man and, hands up, I mess up sometimes! I own it though, and that's part of what makes a couple a lasting couple. They say, "That didn't go the way I'd hoped, how can I do it differently next time?"
A narcissistic husband will never do that; they can't be that self-reflective. He will genuinely hurt you and watch you react. He will then immediately make himself the victim because he can never be the problem. The problem always has to be you.
Perhaps I wouldn't have reacted that way if you hadn't pushed me. You're sensitive and that's your biggest problem. Here we go, all over again. I can't seem to say anything in this house, can I? Don't expect accountability from someone who denies they have a problem.
If you're married to a man who thinks he is perfect, then all of his bad behavior will end up falling on you. You caused it. You created a problem. You made him snap.
I don't know what it's like to be in a relationship that is this one-sided, but I know many of you out there will be able to relate strongly to this, and I have to say, I do feel for you. It's endless, that's for sure.
And when you do try to point something out, he'll sigh like you're the most exhausting person alive. As if your feelings are an inconvenience to his day.
5 He married you because…
Any narcissistic man is going to want to find the perfect woman to be with. Your perfection lies in all the ways you give up your life to be there for him, while he gives next to nothing in return.
Your perfection lies in all the ways you forgive him, and let him talk over you because it's easier than standing up for yourself and saying that you have a voice and you want it to be heard.
He married you because you make his life easier, while yours ends up worse. You will know that for a while once his mask slips and that ring has been on your finger long enough.
Underneath all the times you explain and hope and try, he's laughing at you for exhausting yourself trying to be who he needs. You'll always fall short, because by design, you're never meant to be the perfect person for him.
You deserved a husband, and all you got were a million jobs to juggle while trying to stay sane.
He didn't marry a partner. He hired a manager, a cook, a therapist, and a fan club, and somehow convinced you it was love.
6 The friends and family disappearing act
Slowly but surely, you noticed your friends stopped calling as much. Your sister sighed whenever you mentioned his name. Your best friend gave up on inviting you to things because you always had to check with him first, and he always had a reason for you not to go.
That's the disappearing act. He doesn't outright tell you to cut people off, because that would be too obvious. Instead he sulks when you make plans. He picks a fight the morning of your mum's birthday.
He makes a snide comment about your friend's new boyfriend until you stop mentioning her name at all.
Before long, your world has shrunk to the size of your kitchen, and he is the only person in it.
And here's the twist. His friends and family? Still around, still welcome, still over for dinner on a Sunday while you cook. Isn't that convenient?
His social life stays intact while yours quietly evaporates, and somehow you're the one who has to explain to your mum why you never visit anymore.
7 Money? Oh, that's his department
Money in a marriage should be a shared thing, right? Two people, one life, one set of decisions. Not when a narcissist is in the picture. Your husband treats the finances like his private kingdom, and you're somewhere between employee and beggar.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never RandomHe knows the balances, the passwords, the accounts, the investments. You get filtered information, and only when he wants to share it.
If you ask a question, you're accused of being nosy or ungrateful. If you spend, you're irresponsible. If he spends on himself, well, he earned it. Even if you earn your own money, he finds a way to have opinions on where it goes and what it means.
Some narcissistic husbands go further and make you justify every grocery receipt, every coffee, every pair of shoes for the kids. Meanwhile he's buying gadgets and calling it a business expense.
Financial control is one of the quietest forms of abuse there is, and it leaves you feeling small in your own home.
You're married to him, but you don't know a thing.
