I know what a long time you waited for the narcissist to show up, love up, be honest, be consistent, and just be nice to you.
These are standards that should be set with every relationship, yet when you enter into one with these types of people, you're left waiting for the bare minimum.
It's only when you break up and watch them move onto a new partner who gets it all that it feels like the knife is truly twisting into your heart.
It's unfair, but there's a reason why narcissists give them what you never had, and what you practically had to beg for, and today is all about what really happened.
1You see that it was possible for the narcissist to be loving all along, and it hurts
I don't want to begin this topic any other way.
I want you to know that I understand your pain. I see it in those I work with, and I see it in the way you leave your comments. You're all grieving a love that you thought you'd have, but never got the chance to experience.
You see the narcissist was capable all along of giving someone what it was you wanted, and you wonder what was so wrong with you that they couldn't express a love for you.
Was it that you weren't good enough? Did you fall short? Were you unlovable? Were you not giving and attentive?
The answer to all of those is simple:
None of it was your fault.
There is nothing fundamentally wrong here, other than a person falling for a narcissist. This will never end well, and as you know from your own life, the pain you feel from seeing someone you tried so hard with love another is excruciating.
See alsoYou Were the Problem, According to the Narcissist. Now the Truth Is Making Them Look Foolish
You were patient. You were understanding. You let them off the hook. You kept the peace. You did as they asked. You moved mountains to meet their extreme demands, and none of it was anywhere near good enough.
How could you have done any more?
You couldn't. The fact that you're this exhausted signals the reality that what went on was unreasonable to you, and I get how much it stings.
2The narcissist isn't playing around, they've got work to do!
Now that the narcissist has a new partner, you can bet your bottom dollar they've got so much work to do. There will be a step up in play compared to how they were with you, because they've got some serious winning over to do.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
While you'd sit there sometimes for whole days or longer waiting for a reply from them, you eventually learned to leave your phone on the side and stop checking it every minute.
With the new partner, there is an overload of loving intention and attention.
"Good morning. How are you?" "I'm thinking about you." "I just wanted to check in and say hi because you've been on my mind."
And so it goes. The new partner feels as though they've won the partner jackpot, and things couldn't feel better. What they don't realize is that they're just another number, and this is just another game.
As a client once said, "This is all performative. I know that what he did with his new girlfriend, he did with me, too. We are two women in a very long line of people who suffer at his hands."
And she's right. It is a performance, and any communication like this is easy, right?
It's so easy to text and lure someone in. The narcissist is aware of the power this creates, and once any victim is locked in, that communication drops and ceases to exist.
3You begged for time and love, and all you got was daily pain
Why was it that during your time with the narcissist, it felt like you were the biggest secret they kept from everyone?
See also5 Ways to Make the Narcissist Think Twice Before Ever Messing With You Again
You'd go out to dinner, or away for the weekend, and the narcissist's socials were left completely empty. Yet when they hit the gym, or buy a nice takeout, or go for a walk, or see friends, they cannot stop posting about it.
It's not that you want to be shown off, it's that this person doesn't even acknowledge you.
Fast forward to their new partner, and you see daily posts by the narcissist about what a wonderful time they're having, how fabulous they are, and how much they are loved.
Tagged, captioned, and put on a pedestal for the world to see.
It hurts, doesn't it? I understand why you might sit there and wish it had been you, but you have to see the performance behind it all. This new partner is nothing but a prop.
4Starting again for the narcissist is where they get to hit the jackpot of supply
A narcissist loves to start again. Honestly, they cannot get enough of the rush a new relationship brings, and wiping the slate clean only to start their chain of abuse all over again is something they are very keen to do.
This means, yes, you'll see the narcissist treat their new partner in ways they didn't treat you, such as saying sorry.
You waited and waited for moments they would own their mistakes, and nothing came of it.
Now, they're saying they're sorry and seemingly meaning it, too.
"I know I messed up."
It's big and dramatic, but you have to remember the narcissist here is trying hard to impress someone, and all the while that mask is still on, they'll not stop making themselves look like the perfect partner.
5It was never about you
See alsoFive Ways Narcissists Try to Destroy You But End Up Destroying Themselves
All the times the narcissist cancelled their plans with you. All the times they let you down, meanwhile watching you rearrange your life and drop everything for them. Now you see a different story.
The new partner has time carved out for them. They are treated with respect, love, admiration, and this passion you never saw.
They're a bright, new, shiny object, and it won't last, but I know it can feel like it will last forever.
The narcissist here isn't new or improved; they just want to impress. If they can do that, they feel as though they've won in their game and quest to continue a perfect image.
See their new partner as nothing but a process of recruitment.
6Soon enough, the new partner will be in your shoes
That's the bit people are too busy hurting to think about:
The narcissist's new partner will be somebody old hat, and treated in the exact same way you were treated.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
When you can see the reality for what it is, not just the difference in treatment and how that makes you feel, you can start to see the entire picture.
"You're incredible." "I never met anyone like you."
It's a script. It's what they do. It's how they bounce from person to person, gaining constant streams and sources of supply.
You were one; the new partner is another.
When you understand that all they deliver is lies and smokescreens, you'll never unsee it.
