If you want to go to your brother's birthday dinner, the narcissist won't make it easy for you. By the time that particular evening rolls around, there's no way you're attending.
The worst part of it all is that the narcissist doesn't even directly stop you; instead, it's as if the whole thing just didn't work out. It's the height of control, and for the narcissist, is genius.
They are quite dominating, and this is one way they get what they want without a dramatic fallout or confrontation. "Practicality" takes over as the issue, and here are 6 ways they do it best.
And the sneaky part? You end up feeling like it's your own fault. Your own bad luck. Your own poor planning. They stay squeaky clean.
1 Taking control of you needing to get anywhere
I don't think this is the kind of setup that can be prepared overnight. Time is the friend of anyone, right? For you, for I, time is what heals, grows, and teaches us.
Time also works well for a narcissist who doesn't want to push you in one day to gain control; they use time to build that control, and certainly grow it. Over that time, a narcissist will position themselves to be your main way of being able to get anywhere.
They will always offer to drive so that you spend less time on the road gaining experience. They want your world to shrink, and so you can sit in the passenger seat and be driven.
Not only that, but the narcissist will use that time to rage and shout the most, because it's the one place you're trapped and cannot control leaving. The narcissist won't want you to insure your car.
They will convince you it's a waste of time and money as you barely need it. They will also tell you that the buses are unreliable, and the trains aren't safe. They don't want you getting a cab with a stranger.
You move somewhere with no public transport links, and before long, you'll be sitting at home unable to leave the house because there's nowhere for you to go. They know what they're doing, trust me.
I had a client tell me once that she hadn't driven in six years, and the day she booked a lesson behind his back, she cried in the car park.
2 1, "I'm too tired, sorry"
Right at the last minute when you have plans to go somewhere, the narcissist will let you down. They don't do it because something genuinely happened, like a flat battery or tyre, or they broke their leg.
It will be an excuse so that you're stranded and cannot make that event or occasion you'd had planned for months. I've just had such a long week. It's been full of stress. I know I said I'd take you out but I didn't know I'd feel this sick today.
If you really wanted to go, why couldn't you figure out another way to get there? I know how these phrases will get your backs up because that's exactly what they're designed to do.
That's why the narcissist says them, and why you ended up not being able to go wherever you want to go. You're stranded, so what do you do? Well, your choices are unfortunately limited. Not only that, you're now officially the problem, according to the narcissist. Great, right?
A double whammy for you.
And here's what really twists the knife. You end up apologising to them, for being disappointed. Somehow their tiredness becomes the main event, and your brother's birthday shrinks.
3 2, Money, money, money
I'll be honest, even if you could grab a cab or bus, would you actually be able to? A narcissist is very good at financially controlling their victims, and more often than not, money is simply not freely available.
This is yet another form of control that isn't talked about enough, but it happens. Every transaction is questioned. "Did you really need that?" "Do you realize how much you're spending?" "Do you have any regard for needing or wanting to save?" "Do you know how much these things cost?"
You end up giving up spending anything, so paying out to go to a party is just a big no-no for you, and not worth the hassle that inevitably follows.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe price to pay for going would be a lifetime's worth of guilt, and no victim wants to add on any more stress or pain than they're already carrying.
So, you put your bag down, kick your shoes off, and decide that a bath and an early night is your best option. Suddenly, the narcissist gets everything they want: you stay home and they stay in charge.
This won't directly be a, "You can't go," but rather a programmed, "I just won't bother going."
The same outcome stands:
You stay home.
Meanwhile, you'll notice their spending never gets questioned. New gadgets, dinners out with colleagues, a weekend away for their own head space. Funny how the budget stretches for that.
4 3, The narcissist makes wherever you want to go sound terrible
That's not a great part of town. You're going with that friend? I thought you didn't get on. You're going to end up drunk and lost. Are you sure you want to go after the week you've had? You always end up returning home stressed after spending time with them.
You hate that place. Is it really worth it? Do you recognize any of these? The narcissist isn't getting up and locking the door and hiding the key. You aren't trapped.
You can leave whenever you want, but that invisible and controlling pull means you never really step near the door because you're indirectly convinced it isn't safe to do so.
The narcissist certainly doesn't raise their voice when they let you know what they think, they just plant that seed of doubt in your mind that stops you from putting one foot in front of the other.
When you decide they're right, they smile innocently, telling you they love you and just want you to be happy. You walk away thinking, "They love me."
All the while, you're isolated again. There is nothing innocent about that smile, trust me.
Sound familiar? That soft, concerned voice doing the work a locked door would do. You end up thanking them for looking out for you. That's the con.
5 4, Wasting and burning time
They stall. They lose their wallet. They can't find their keys. They're taking a quick work call. They aren't dressed. They want to eat first. Whatever the excuse is, it's to prevent you from going or even being on time.
Burning time means eating into your time you should be somewhere, and they know it. That's why they do it. All you think is, "I cannot be bothered to even go any more."
And that sentence, right there, is the win they were chasing the whole time. You said it. Not them. Their hands stay clean, your evening stays empty.
6 5, Punishment about you being there puts you off for next time
You think twice about going anywhere because you know the last time you tried, the narcissist went silent on you, or punished you in some other way, like commenting on how long you were gone and why you never called.
You don't want to go through that again, and so you'd rather ditch the drama and replace it with the TV.
You learn through being programmed that nothing good comes from doing what you want, and you're so keen to keep the peace that you do what it takes to just make the narcissist happy. Meanwhile, they get what they want, every single time.
The next invite lands and your stomach drops before you've even opened it. That's not you being antisocial. That's you being trained to expect a bill afterwards.
7 6, No job + no money = no transport
If you don't have a job, you don't have any money, which means you're far less likely to be able to afford driving or catching any kind of transport.
It's not about convincing you to stay home, it's about giving you zero options in how you go about your day at all. The narcissist knows what they're doing here, and they play the long game.
Keeping you home, with no money in your bank means you'll naturally decline offers to go out because you simply can't afford it.
And if you ever mention wanting to work again, watch how quickly the concern rolls in. "You're already so stressed, are you sure you can handle it?" Convenient.
8 The Missing Set of Keys
Keys go missing a lot in a narcissist's house, don't they. Sorry, that was almost a check in, let me try again. Keys go missing a lot in a narcissist's house. Yours specifically. Never theirs.
You're about to head out, you reach for the hook by the door, and the hook is empty. You retrace your steps. You check every coat pocket. You tip your bag upside down on the kitchen floor. Nothing.
"I haven't touched them. Are you sure you didn't leave them at your mum's?"
By the time the keys reappear, usually somewhere you swear you already looked, the event is over. You missed it. And the narcissist gets to shrug and say you really need to be more organised.
It might be the car keys. It might be the house keys, so you feel too uneasy to leave. It might be a bank card that's vanished from your purse the morning of a trip. Small objects, huge consequences.
The pattern is always the same: you look scattered, they look patient, and you stay put.
9 When Other People Offer to Drive You
Someone from work offers you a lift. A neighbour says they're heading that way anyway. Your sister says she'll swing by and grab you. Easy, right? Not so fast.
The narcissist has a real problem with anyone else stepping in to get you from A to B, because it undoes everything they've built. So they get involved. They question the person's motives.
"Why are they being so helpful all of a sudden?" They imply the friend fancies you, or is nosy, or is trying to get something from you. They might sulk for the rest of the evening because you accepted.
They might message the person themselves and cancel it on your behalf, framing it as being kind, saying you were tired.
After a few rounds of this, people stop offering. They can sense the friction and they don't want to be part of it.
So the lifts dry up, the invitations get quieter, and the narcissist gets to say, "See, nobody actually wants to help you." Meanwhile they engineered the silence themselves.
