A narcissist can be very good at telling you, or convincing you, that they miss you. They come back into your life and try to tell you that they feel they’ve lost it all, and they want it back.
Suddenly, the affection is there, and they don’t hesitate to try to reminisce about the good old times.
Before long, you think, “They must really have missed me.”
Don’t start planning wild, romantic gestures or events; you need to hold off until you see what’s going on under the surface.
Then comes the important question:
Do they miss you, or do they miss controlling you?
It’s hard to spot the difference, but I want to teach you how.
1Emotional closeness vs immediacy
Healthy and regulated people absolutely love to be there for the people they love. They want that emotional closeness because it feels good, and being connected is a natural part of human existence.
Narcissists? Not so much! They love to pretend well, but they just can’t have that because they aren’t emotional people, at least, not in the way you want them to be.
Narcissists are more interested in accessing you, and they don’t want to mess around; it has to be fast.
Think about it a little more deeply now:
If someone were to genuinely miss you, they would show interest in your feelings. They will want to be a part of your experiences, or at least hear about them. They want to know that you’re okay, and will want to be there for you if you aren’t.
See alsoA Narcissistic Husband Wants Everything From a Wife Without Giving Anything as a Husband
If someone is just looking to control you (AKA the narcissist) they will expect to have instant access to your life, time, attention, and all your emotions without even thinking about or considering what needs you have.
Notice the difference?
I hope you do.
2Responsibility vs rewriting your entire history
If a person is of genuine nature, they will willingly long to acknowledge the past, the hurt it caused, and try to figure out ways to make it better. Most of all, they will take responsibility, because that’s the most natural first step to healing right?
Now we skip to controlling people. I think you know where I’m going with this:
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They minimize your pain. They downplay what happened, and may even blame you or act like enough time has gone by where they don’t need to ‘drag up the past any more.’
Maybe they’re hoping you forgot what happened, but they shouldn’t be so lucky!
This is the difference between taking responsibility and rewriting history so that nothing that happened is real, nor matters.
3Respecting vs testing boundaries
Respect. Aretha taught us all about it, didn’t she? She was right about all of it; you need to respect people, and you need to be respected, too.
If you’re dealing with someone who cares about you, they’ll want to rebuild whatever became fractured in the past. They may realize that trust takes time, and that it’s how you deal with the aftermath that counts.
Not a narcissist! They love control, and will very quickly show how irritated they can become. They push, they manipulate, and they will make sure your boundaries are trodden all over because (like you) they aren’t actually important.
You want to believe that you’re dealing with someone who is respectful of you, and who loves you.
You’re not going to feel that with anyone who misses controlling you.
See also7 Things Narcissists Say That Mean the Exact Opposite
They are not as quick to respond, and that’s because they don’t care what you think.
Their enthusiasm is just because they’ve got you where they want you, and not because they want to take care of your feelings.
4Missing you vs missing how you made them feel
A big difference here, I think you’ll agree.
On one hand, you have someone who genuinely misses how you made them feel. They appreciated your individuality, and celebrated you. They were happy for you when you achieved, and this person appreciated that you had needs, just like them.
Then what?
Someone who misses how you made them feel.
This is far less about you, and more about what you can do for them. They wanted to control you because you gave them a bit of an ego boost every time you begged or pleased, cried or slammed a door.
They miss your attention and reassurance. They can’t live without being admired by you, or offering any kind of practical support they need.
These are two very different people seeing you equally as different.
Being able to tell the difference means that you start learning where you’re wanted, and where you’re needed. A healthy person may not need you, but they want you around. They love it when you’re close, because they love you.
A narcissist doesn’t want you, but they need you. Without you, who’s going to make them feel good about themselves, even if it’s just for a short amount of time?
5Consistency vs fabricated charm
The one way you’ll be able to tell the difference between a narcissist who misses you, and one who misses controlling you is the level of consistency you’re getting from each person.
A person who is sincere will show you that they can change through a sustained amount of effort and positive behavior. They will want to show you that they can be a better person, and they won’t need to make any grand declarations to you to demonstrate that; they’ll just do it.
See alsoThe Exact Steps I Took To Escape The Narcissist And Get My Life Back
Control? That comes from initial affection and attention that makes you feel amazing, followed quickly by discarding you, neglecting you, and making you feel like you’re invisible.
This is both cruel and inconsistent, and it’s a pattern that’s designed to keep you hooked and staying for more. You chase the good times, so you tolerate the bad times.
This is no way to live, not really.
6Accepting you being you vs resenting and shrinking it
A healthy person can be happy for someone else, even if they’re not needed by them. If you’ve become less dependent on your partner, and are happily thriving in, say, a new job or role, they will celebrate with you.
This person may miss you, especially if you travel a lot for your job, but they will want the best for you, and will always be there for you.
A narcissist will hate that you’re making something of your life. They’ll do anything they can to shrink you back down to a suitable size for them to manage and control, and will resent you for daring to do something that means you fulfill your dreams.
The stronger your boundaries become, the more the narcissist will resent you and make you feel guilty for doing so.
You’ve been warned.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
7Trust yourself
That’s what all this boils down to; trust.
You don’t have to work out someone’s intentions in order to protect yourself, you should just go with what you see in front of you and how you’re being treated.
If you are with someone who stops giving you the love you want, that’s when alarm bells should be ringing.
Trust consistency, not toxicity.
