You don't know the emotional weight of being married to a narcissist until the years after you say "I Do" scroll by.
You don't know the emotional weight unless you've been there yourself.
That weight is made so much heavier with one secret narcissists all carry with them. It's a secret they will never share, or ever let you see, but it's calculated, cold, and cruel.
Just when you thought married life to someone so toxic couldn't get any more miserable, I'm here to tell you that it can.
1The marriage is only marriage by name
According to the narcissist, and I know it's a painful thing to read, but it's a truth I can't deny you:
Your marriage is a contract, and nothing more.
By name, it is what it is; an agreement between two people to sign a life away together.
For him, there's no romance in it whatsoever.
How does that make you feel?
You think you married a partner for life, and instead you have someone who sees your love for them as a type of transaction he can use and abuse over the years you'll be together.
Your idea of a marriage is to show up for him, and to build a life together. You want to grow old with him because that's what love is, and on the surface, your relationship can look like this.
Underneath? That's a totally different story.
You've got someone you're legally bound to who is using you as the next source of whatever they need. He scans you every day to see what light or warmth he can steal from you and sap you of all that feels good and worthy.
They want your attention and to be able to control how you feel and what you think. He wants you, on top of that, to actually admire him.
See also9 Things Narcissists Say To Slowly Destroy Your Confidence
You don't need to tell me how crazy it sounds, because I already know. As long as the tap of supply never runs out for them, they're happy.
For that reason, you can never be a wife to this man. You're just a commodity.
2The secret is this
This toxic man will never love you the way you want him to, and the way you love him.
Read that again, and again, and again.
I can't be clearer than I am, but it still isn't enough for a lot of victims to walk away from this sham of a marriage they got into.
Just when you think he might love you, he's still nowhere near how he should be, and that's the painful truth of it all.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
For them, they're happy that they found you for the following reasons:
"I'm so happy I found someone who really gets me." "I'd be nothing without you in my life." "Nobody else would put up with me like you do."
You feel special, right? You feel valued and noticed, loved and admired. It's even a little bit funny to think that he sees you that way; almost endearing.
Each line above is more about what you do for them; they don't have anything to do with who you are as a person.
Your qualities, your kindness, your encouraging character? Nope. They don't get mentioned because these things do nothing for the narcissist.
It's a shame that a narcissist is allowed to marry someone without even slightly appreciating the person they say they want to spend their life with.
Sad, right?
3The narcissist makes sure they hide that fact from you
No narcissist will admit it, will they? Could you imagine?!
"Yeah, look. I don't love you like the way you think I do, and I never will."
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You'd be out of there like a shot.
The key for him now is to act like he loves you when you need that reassurance, and treat you like crap for the rest of the time.
If he exposes his real thoughts, his behavior won't be able to defend him the way it does when he can switch on that charm and tell everyone how lucky he is to have met you.
The arrangement is that he says the words, you hear and believe them, and you carry on with your day.
You don't think, "This is all manufactured so he can use me as a source of supply."
Think about how many years of your life the narcissist has taken from you. He wasted them because he made you believe what you had was love, even when you would cry yourself to sleep at night, it was tied up in a bow called, "I love you."
He will never leave all the while he has you for supply, which is why he will convince you just enough that this is a marriage of love, and not abuse.
The secret stays with him, and you end up living it alongside him.
4Over time, this secret will cause you the most pain
Some victims never get to a point where they can name what's happening, or even begin to describe it.
It hurts, that's all they know. You try to pin it down and ask him, but he leaves you feeling even more confused, as well as hurt.
"Why do you ask me these things?" "Of course I love you." "I give you everything, and you still question me." "This hurts so much."
You're sorry, and you feel bad for asking, yet you've got your answer, and you still feel lonely.
Why is that?
It's because you're getting answers that don't align with what's really going on.
When it feels as though you're losing your mind, understand that you're not.
See also The Moment You Stop Doing This, the Narcissist Gives Up Completely
One client told me, "I wish I knew what I was getting myself into from the start. I could've saved 26 years of marriage."
For others, it can be even longer, spanning a whole lifetime, and that's so much to grieve.
5The narcissist doesn't want you to know this
The marriage works then, if his abuse and real motive stays under the radar.
If you're kept in the dark about the fact that he doesn't love you, then the marriage will, by default, stand the test of time.
When you start trusting yourself and what you're feeling, the whole marriage itself can implode as he starts to lose his entire grip on you.
He will feel the shift, and think, "When did this start falling apart?"
It started growing apart the more you became aware that he was in this for kicks, and not true love.
The cleverer you think, the less the narcissist appreciates you, and I am being honest when I say that it is immediate. If you change one morning, the narcissist will know something is amiss.
You threaten him with your awareness, and the relationship, the marriage, will never be the same again.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
You were never supposed to fall for someone like this, but their charm was so rehearsed, you couldn't avoid it.
Just know this:
No marriage with a narcissist is built on a two-way exchange of love and admiration.
One gives, the other takes.
One forgives, the other cheats.
One compromises, the other demands.
