I don't think any arguments are comfortable or necessarily pretty, with raised voices and a heap of tension that naturally occurs. The thing is, when it's done, it's done; both parties move on.
On the other hand, a narcissist will push and push, with no way of moving forward, because that would mean putting the drama behind you…
…Narcissists thrive on drama.
And they store ammunition. Every vulnerable thing you've ever shared, every soft spot you trusted them with, gets filed away for the next time they need something to throw.
Narcissistic husbands will reach for the most ridiculous proverbial weapons that you'd probably never dream of bringing into the fold, starting and ending with these 8 things.
1 Your past is constantly dug up
Imagine thinking you've met the man of your dreams, only to later on discover that they're using your past against you. It all starts with meeting someone you think you can trust with information about you, possibly even all those insecurities.
Fast forward to a time where you go to him with something that happened that particular day. It may even be that he forgot something that was important to you, or something was said that hurt you. It's like you're right back there, in your past, but with someone else.
More than that though, it's with someone who knows that bit about you, and still won't hesitate to take you back there with them this time. Your pain doesn't matter and you hear:
My God, you just won't let that go. Let's talk about all the things you do wrong, shall we? These moments are never about truly solving anything, and that's certainly never going to be his aim.
He'd rather throw you under whatever you've done wrong than admit that he's the one to initiate your triggers and hold himself accountable for making you feel this way.
I'll be honest with you, this type of abuse always works, and that's why abusers like narcissists find ways to weave it into their relationships.
I had a client tell me her husband would bring up a mistake from eight years ago every single argument. Eight years. Like he'd been saving it for ammunition.
2 Direct threats to the relationship are made
I don't need to tell you how wrong this one is, but unfortunately, if you've been subjected to direct threats in your relationship, it's obvious you're not with a good guy. A normal, healthy husband even when he's mad, will never hold your marriage up ready to drop into pieces.
It's not a weapon, it's something he is grateful for and happy to have. He certainly doesn't stand there as you're arguing about filling the car up with gas saying things like:
This just isn't working for me. Maybe we need to just call the whole thing off. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this with you. These comments are meant to do nothing but catch you off guard and make you feel scared.
And it works, doesn't it? You go from arguing about gas to suddenly begging him to stay. The argument is forgotten. You're now apologising for something you didn't even do.
3 Everyone else is dragged into things
Why would anybody do this? Your business should be between you and him, like any normal marriage. Narcissistic men don't live by that rule, and will instead bring in anyone they can to the fray, too. It might be your sister they pull in, or your mother.
And it can be as little as a comment, such as:
Even your sister thinks you can be unreasonable; it's not just me. Your mother was right when she told me that you can be too sensitive at times. My dad said he noticed this about you, and now I'm seeing it for myself.
Your disagreements shouldn't become a moment for the narcissist to seemingly drag other people's names into it, but this is how they make you question yourself and feel like you're the one wrong, and that everyone else is right.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseWhenever you talk to your husband, it's as if you've got this audience in the room that you can't see, and it leaves you feeling on edge.
And the worst part? Half the time, your sister or mother never said any of it. He made it up, or twisted a harmless comment into evidence against you.
You feel like people are agreeing with him, even though there's nobody else there. You feel outnumbered, and that was his very intention. I can't tell you how toxic this is.
The fact that there are people capable of being in your life, even the man you married, who want to see you break like this is terrifying.
There's no other reason but to make you feel as though you're being punished, and that shouldn't be anything that someone who agrees and wants to marry you does.
4 Your deepest insecurities are his target
We all have insecurities, and I think some can be bigger or harder to manage than others. My point isn't that we have them, it's how we deal with them, who we share them with, and what those people do with them.
You can talk to someone in confidence about something that has affected you, and they will sit, listen, refuse to judge, and support you through it. A good husband would do that, ensuring that you feel seen and heard, too.
They want to encourage you, and help you grow, not flatten your confidence entirely by abusing what they know about you. Your narcissistic husband will know you, and he'll know all the things that make you feel insecure.
Every single time you've whispered a fear to him, he will have made notes. It's all those wounds you let him see that gives him all the tools to use them against you whenever he sees fit.
As soon as you both reach the point where you're at your next argument, those fears will be pulled out. It's no wonder people have found you needy in the past. And you wonder why your last relationship didn't work out.
You're too much, and clearly I'm not alone in thinking that. This is where an argument is no longer an argument; it's cruel that the narcissist wants to make sure it looks honest in some way, even though it isn't.
You're already in a fragile state, and their intention is to make you feel even worse.
I had a client whose husband would wait until she was crying, then quietly say, "This is exactly why your mother gave up on you." He'd been saving that one for months.
5 How your free time is used
You can have hobbies if you want, right? Who says you have to spend all your free moments living for them, or doing what they want you to do?
This is your time for you, and if you're being told that you're not acting on that enough or giving them enough attention, then that's not healthy or good.
This is exactly what healthy couples don't do, and why you should be aware that your free time is not only under scrutiny, but it's down to be heavily criticized, too.
It has nothing to do with the narcissist how you spend your time, and I want you to remember that.
The gym, coffee with your sister, an hour reading in silence. Suddenly it's, "You'd rather be there than with me?" No. You'd rather breathe.
6 Your thoughts and feelings
The most obvious 'til last, right? That's because I want to leave you really thinking about who you choose to let in your life. Narcissists aren't known for their subtlety, and that's where they make how you think and feel a problem every time.
You aren't allowed feelings that clash with theirs, and your thoughts must align with theirs otherwise there will be trouble.
It's not exactly a fun or free way to live, but it's how many exude their control onto their victims and make them pay for daring to be independent in any way, shape or form.
Say you loved a film they hated, and suddenly you've got bad taste. Feel sad on a day they're happy, and you're ruining the mood.
7 Money Becomes a Muzzle
Money is one of those things a normal husband shares with you. You have joint decisions, joint goals, joint whatever. A narcissist? They turn it into a leash.
Suddenly you have to explain every little purchase. Groceries get questioned. That coffee you bought on the way to work becomes a whole conversation. "Where's this money going?" they'll say, like you've been secretly funding a small country.
And if you're the one earning less, or not earning at all because you're raising the kids or running the home, oh boy. Get ready to hear, "I pay for everything around here," any time you dare to have an opinion.
They might hide accounts. Give you an allowance like you're twelve. Refuse to tell you what they earn while demanding a full breakdown of yours.
It's not really about the money. It's about keeping you small, keeping you asking, keeping you quiet. Because a woman with her own money has options, and options are the last thing a narcissist wants you to have.
Money in their hands stops being money. It becomes a muzzle.
8 Your Wins Are Suddenly Up For Debate
You got the promotion. You finally finished the course. You lost the weight, ran the race, landed the client. And instead of a hug, you get a shrug.
A normal husband celebrates you. He tells his mates, he tells his mum, he books the restaurant. The narcissist? He finds the loose thread and pulls.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never Random"Well, they only gave you that because half the team quit."
"You know you got lucky, right?"
"Don't let it go to your head."
Suddenly your win is a debate, and he's the judge. Every achievement gets weighed, measured, and quietly downgraded until you start believing the downgrade yourself. You stop mentioning the good stuff. You keep it small. You keep it to yourself.
And that's the goal. If your wins don't count, you stop chasing them. If you stop chasing them, you stay right where he wants you: small, dependent, doubting.
A husband who loves you claps loudest when you shine. A narcissist dims the lights and asks why you're being so dramatic about a candle.
