You try, I get it. We've all made the mistake of wanting to get through to the narcissist, so you speak to them like they're this normal person who will listen and take note.
What's the point?!
They won't finally get it, no matter how much you explain yourself because they don't process things like you do. They don't listen for information, they listen for key words and tones they can twist.
There are five languages they do respond to, though. That's where I want to be with you today.
1 Any silence is deafening to a narcissist
If you want to get under the narcissist's skin, do and say nothing. I know it seems really weird to rile someone by not yelling and shouting and screaming, but we are talking about narcissists here, and they don't do anything normally.
What you want to do is hold back on everything, from your reactions to your explanations. Going quiet means they go from knowing exactly where they stand with you to having absolutely no idea. That means you're injecting a lot of discomfort within their ego, and they won't like that one little bit.
These are people keen to keep track of every emotion you're feeling, and each state within those emotions, and so giving them nothing means they have nothing to work on.
"Why aren't you speaking?"
"Cat got your tongue?"
"You're being so immature."
"Fine, go ahead and ignore me."
You hear these phrases, yet you probably aren't aware of the panic behind each one, and trust me, there's so much of that here.
They have a whole game they're playing with you, and your silence is going to be the one thing that detonates it all.
2 Consequences that affect them
A narcissist will never respond to a warning, although you are likely to already know that.
If you were to tell them, "If you do that one more time, it's going to really upset me," the narcissist will hear, "You're going to get the reaction you want if you do that to me again."
That'll make them keen as anything to get that reaction, and so, they play up.
If you really want to make them understand your language, you have to allow the narcissist to respond to a consequence that they can really feel; something that rocks them.
For example, you stop showing up when they've been so used to you being there time and time again. You stop covering for them each time they mess up or need you to prove how honest and loyal they are. You stop doing everything you currently do to make their life nice and easy.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseAll of that will land with the narcissist as they're the type of people who know what's happening as soon as you hand them what you say you'll do. Your consequences cost them the attention they usually get from you, and without it, they're nothing, and they have no supply.
Narcissists walk through life thinking they will be able to get away with everything they do, and all the pain they inflict on others. They do it from the moment they learn how, and will take these behaviors to the grave with them. That's a long time to be abused and messed around by someone who only feels good when you don't.
This is worth remembering when you threaten consequences but never actually implement them.
When you go, it's a game changer.
Speak the language they understand.
3 Anytime you're indifferent
The language of indifference is the one that cuts the narcissist the most. The reason they respond to it in this way is because they understand it so well. They understand what message you're trying to send them immediately, and that's why I always love to see it in narcissistic dynamics.
Narcissists are usually so fuelled by your reactions. They want to see it all:
- The tears
- The begging
- The questions
- The attention
- The love
- The pursuit
- The chase
- The hopes
- The fears
- The waiting
- The anger
I could go on and on. Everything you do feeds them, but what if you were to do nothing at all?
When you stop performing for the narcissist and instead, start looking at them as if they're the most boring person ever, you're going to see a shift right away.
"Look at you. You don't even care any more."
It's not cruel to be indifferent, but it is necessary if you want to protect yourself moving forward. I know it seems like something you probably would never be able to do, either, but that's because you're so accustomed to responding.
I say to stop. Give it up. Speak in a way they understand that helps you, not hinders you.
The narcissist was never entitled to your energy like this, so give it back to yourself.
Indifference is the way you do that, and it's an underestimated response by so many, because they don't see it as an actual response. They see it as bowing out, giving up, or letting the narcissist win by staying silent.
It's not staying silent, you're actually being very loud when you become unbothered. You're calm, which isn't nothing; it's everything you need in order to gain control.
You've been taught by the narcissist that the only way it counts to be seen is to turn your volume up, but that's just not the case.
Not here, not now, not ever.
4 Limits you maintain without negotiation
When you try the soft approach to no avail, where do you go next?
Sometimes, it's all about strong boundaries, and that means getting rid of thoughts or phrases like this:
"I'd really prefer it if you..."
"It would mean the world to me if..."
The narcissist watches you trying to be diplomatic, but they're the ones laughing on the inside because they're going to continue pushing you anyway.
Soft limits mean they can push them.
The narcissist needs a limit that has no give.
"This is how it's going to go from now on."
You're final, you're curt, and they have to just deal with that. This is the point where you are no longer interested in justifying yourself. Give the narcissist nothing to hold onto, and they will struggle to know what to do next.
Before you know it, they've got no control.
5 Being unpredictable
If you're predictable, the narcissist is going to love you. If they know you as well as I think they do, it will be very good indeed.
The reason a narcissist knows you so well is because they've spent all this time studying you. There are buttons they can easily press that will make you cry, trigger you, or plant all the fear known to man into you.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsWith a click of their fingers, they know what to do to make you go running to them.
So you stop.
You stop being that person they can read.
This new behavior from you will unleash a world of pain into the narcissist's mind. When they melt down and yell, you stay calm. You say nothing right at the point they expect a long speech from you.
A narcissist struggles to play their usual games if they don't know what's going to happen next.
