The trip is finally booked, and you can't wait to jet off to somewhere wonderful. It's been on the cards for the longest time, and as soon as you land, you start your adventures…
…With the narcissist. The first day feels amazing. Then the second day rolls around, and suddenly, reality hits you when the narcissist gets "sick."
As they are barely able to lift their head off their pillow, you are faced with a behavior that is far from random, and a vacation you'd sooner forget.
You look at them lying there, groaning, and something in your gut says this isn't a bug. You've seen this exact performance before, in a different bedroom, a different city.
1 Here we go again…
What's it going to be this time? A headache? A sick bug? A bad back? A frozen shoulder? The pain or sickness didn't exist the day before, and the narcissist has been limbering up to be a person in pain just in time for day two of your vacation.
It's not something that randomly happens to them and not you. You both ate the fish the night before, and had the salad, and you're fine.
You didn't spend too much time in the sun yesterday, and you didn't see anything that would constitute the narcissist injuring, and that's usually when they hit you with that classic line:
It must have been how I slept. Now they can't move. They wince in pain at any slight movement, and they are convinced they've got something terrible wrong with them. I'm here with a little bit of breaking news that I feel you need to know:
There's nothing wrong with them. It wasn't the food, the sleep, the sun, or the pool. Nope. The narcissist has something far more calculating going on, and it was planned before you even packed your suitcase to go on your vacation.
I had a client tell me her husband got the same mystery back pain on three vacations in a row, and never once when they visited his parents.
2 Day one looked totally different, here's why
Ah, the good old days, or day, of day one. Wasn't it peachy? You did so much, and actually, the moods were pretty smooth and positive.
There was a fresh energy about the both of you that was excited to be away, and you made sure you talked through all the things you'd both love to do, with the promise that it was all possible.
You checked in, greeted everyone with an excited smile, and you were getting into the spirit of your time away. Day two; what a contrast.
And it's sad when you think about it, because you were built up so much on day one that you never expected such a drop in emotional temperature by the narcissist, yet here you are seeing it for yourself as they refuse to even get out of bed and do anything with you.
You want to go to that place you agreed to go, but the narcissist is having none of it. The problem begins there, and it paints the picture for how the rest of your vacation is going to look.
Suddenly, it's your fault that the narcissist is sick because it was your idea to come away and have this holiday in the first place, and so on top of your plans being dented, you also feel guilty!
And the guilt is the real souvenir they wanted you to bring home. Not the photos, not the memories, just that heavy feeling that you asked for too much.
3 And so the pretense begins
Something just isn't right. I don't feel good. I didn't want to say, but I've felt it since we got on the plane. It's gotten so much worse. Whenever I travel, something always goes wrong. Why don't you just go without me? I'll be fine soon, I'm sure.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseVictims don't though. They don't want the punishment of having so much fun on their own, and the narcissist knows that, so they use a chance to offer them out knowing none of that will happen.
Right there though is where the trip does a full 180: you started off excited and now you're trapped by someone who was always intent on ruining this moment for you.
It doesn't matter to them that they've paid all this money and taken the time off work; they just want to use it as an opportunity to make you feel terrible and stressed.
So you go from planning that day's activity visiting those ruins or that waterfall to looking up local pharmacies or doctor's offices online. You become the narcissist's caregiver. This was not what the plan was.
Meanwhile they're scrolling their phone from the pillow, checking scores, replying to messages, suddenly well enough to laugh at a video. Funny how the illness knows when you're not looking.
4 The control is this, and the narcissist tries to own it
Narcissists who conveniently get sick on the second day of vacation are using this time to reset what they have wanted to reset for a long time.
It's all about power, and pressing that button looks like putting a dent in everything you were going to be doing while you were away.
They got a lot of supply from watching you pack your bags, book your taxi to the airport, watch the other planes take off, and research online all the exciting things you can do together while you're there.
You were there in the departure gate chatting to other passengers, telling them how excited you were to be going somewhere new, and it was all stored for this second day. Narcissists aren't people who support joy or happiness.
They don't understand it, nor do they wish to be a part of yours. Instead, they want to take yours away, and they'll do it exactly this way. Their sickness is their management of your smile.
Watching you thrive was never in their game plan, and of course, that comes with a loss of control they're not used to having. What can I do to turn this around? The illness that arrives right when it should; that's what.
Sound familiar? The timing is never off by much. Day two, day three at a stretch. Just late enough that you can't blame the flight, just early enough to ruin everything.
5 Guilt soon comes after
You get up to leave the room for a moment, and you'd think it was the end of the world.
Honestly, the stink the narcissist kicks up is beyond anything you'll have ever seen before; they just love to make you feel bad for even daring to get some fresh air, or go for a walk to stretch your legs.
A narcissist wants you beside them all day, all night when they're sick. They want you jumping to every command, and making it all about them, even when you're on vacation. When did I last take my pain relief? Have I got any more rehydration sachets?
Could you grab me a cold flannel? You want to go for a swim, but suddenly you're rubbing your able body in their face, so you put the towel down and don't bother.
By the evening, when all the amenities and services are closed, the narcissist makes a fast recovery (until the next morning, that is). By then, whatever made them sick is back again, and you're back to square one, living the cabin fever life for another day.
And if you dare mention how well they looked at dinner, watch out. Suddenly you're cruel, you're unsympathetic, you don't understand what they're going through. Classic reversal.
6 Don't worry, this is not all in your mind
I wish it were, and I bet you do, too! The pattern of events that unfold when you're away will look the same, because the desired outcome for the narcissist is the same:
They want you to stop what you're doing and tend to them, and they want to wipe that excited smile off your face. This is typical of every narcissist. Miserable, isn't it?
You are not imagining the timing. You are not being paranoid for noticing. Trust the part of you that clocked it, because that part has been right for a long time.
7 The friends back home get a very different story
While you're stuck in the hotel room dabbing a cold flannel on their forehead, guess what's happening on their phone? A whole different movie is being shown to everyone back home.
"Poor me, I flew all this way and got struck down. She's out enjoying herself while I'm bedridden." Or the other version: "We're having the most incredible time, look at this view!" with a photo from day one, cropped so you can't tell it was 48 hours ago.
Either way, they come out looking like the hero or the martyr. You come out looking selfish, or you don't come out at all, because you're not in the story they're telling.
Then you get home and a friend gently asks how the trip was, and you can see something behind their eyes. They've heard a version already. A version where you were cold, or difficult, or absent.
That's the bit that stings the most, I think. You lost the vacation and you lost the narrative about the vacation, all in one go.
8 What happens when you finally stop playing nurse
Something shifts the day you decide you're not going to be the on-call nurse anymore. Maybe it's the third vacation in a row, maybe it's the moment you catch them laughing at their phone. Whatever the trigger, you stop fetching the water. You stop rearranging the day.
See also How Living With A Narcissist Actually Makes Your Body SickYou put on your shoes and you go.
The reaction is something to behold. First comes the shock, because they weren't expecting that from you. Then comes the sulking, the cold shoulder when you come back, the pointed silence over dinner. They might even ramp the illness up a notch to test whether you'll fold. You might.
You might not. Either way, you've broken something in the routine, and they feel it.
What tends to happen next is fascinating. The illness fades faster than usual once it stops getting an audience. No fetching, no fussing, no guilty face at the door means no reward. And a symptom without a reward has a very short shelf life with a narcissist.
You come home with something better than photos. You come home knowing.
