Happy people don’t live their lives trying to figure out all the ways to make the lives of everyone they know miserable. They’re too concerned by wanting to create happy memories, and being a good person. Narcissists don’t live by that playbook; they never have.
They’re so cold and calculated that you won’t understand what they’re capable of until you’re standing in the wreckage of their toxicity.
And by then, you’re picking through what’s left, wondering how someone you loved could do this so casually. Like it cost them nothing. Because it didn’t.
When you’re happy, this is when they strike the most. 9 things happy people never do that narcissists do every day is what separates those good people from the ones you want to forever avoid. Here they are.
1 How could anybody seriously do this?
I know this question runs through the minds of many, and I’m there with you; I don’t understand it either. I don’t understand it because I have a mind that is healthy and regulated, and one that spots the bad behavior in others, particularly narcissists.
When you try to imagine yourself doing things narcissists do, you can’t even fathom what makes them do it. You can’t see yourself being so miserable and toxic, and to the people you love, too. It’s just insane.
You aren’t flawed for not being able to imagine it, you’re just a normal person.
A client said to me last week, “Alexander, I keep trying to picture myself saying those things to my kids, and I can’t even get the words out.” Exactly.
That’s my point and case. Now… on with the 9 things…
2 Credit is taken for everything good, and you’re blamed for everything bad
Remember when you got that promotion? Well, that was all down to the narcissist. They knew someone, or they helped you, or they paid for your college. They will tell everyone how they made it happen; they can’t possibly just say, “Wow, that’s amazing, well done!”
Now let’s go to the vacation that turned out to be a disaster, or the fridge you picked out that broke down within two months of use, or even the fact that your relationship has come to an end:
This is your fault! Why do you always make these terrible choices? If you hadn’t decided that, none of this would’ve happened. I carried this entire relationship.
One client told me her ex actually said, “You’re lucky I picked you.” She sat with that line for years before she saw how ugly it was.
Happy people who are secure in themselves don’t feel the need to blame all the time. They own their mistakes, and share your wins with you because they’re a good part of life to celebrate.
3 Competition is whipped up from nothing
Why does this have to happen? Why is it that a narcissist sees you trying something, and they want a piece of the action for themselves? Not only that, but they want to beat you in the process. You do one thing, they do three.
If you pass this test, they pass the next level. You had a hard week at work, theirs was way worse. There always has to be something, and you are beginning to not be able to stand it. Let me tell you this:
Happy people cheer. They want you to fulfill your dreams, pursue your passion; be you. A narcissist will compete with you every day if they have to, and make everything about themselves.
One client told me her partner started training for a marathon the week she signed up for a 5K. He couldn’t just let her have the small win.
4 Your needs go punished
Whenever you ask for something fairly reasonable, even just for a hug at the end of a tricky day, you notice an immediate drop in the room’s temperature. What is that? Why can’t the narcissist just let you have that moment without turning it into an IOU?
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIt’s because you are being treated as an inconvenience, and a happy person would never do that to you. Needing something in a relationship doesn’t make you a burden or wrong, it makes you human. Any happy person would oblige without question, yet a narcissist sees you as being needy.
Punishment usually follows with the eye roll, or the tut or sigh, or even the silent treatment.
And then later, when you’ve forgotten all about it, they bring it back up. “Remember when you needed me to do that thing for you?” As if you owe them.
5 Everything is remembered for eternity
What you do wrong will go down in their logbook. You made a mistake four years ago? That’ll come up in conversation the next time the narcissist wants to hold something against you. By nature, happy people don’t want to go back to revisit the past.
They want to move on and have fun and make positive memories together. They never like those darker reminders a narcissist can’t seem to live without. Beware of anyone who tries to make your past your current problem.
They’ll pull out something so small, so ancient, you can barely remember it happening. “Remember when you forgot to call me back that Sunday in 2019?” Yeah. That.
6 Your success is the reason for their envy
Happy people love that you’re doing well with your life. They love the job offer you got. They love the vacation you’re going on. They love your new car or house. They love that you can afford it all and are enjoying the fruits of your labor.
Happy people never allow what you have that they don’t to dictate their moods or behavior in a detrimental way. They won’t see the good that’s happening in your life as a reason for them to be miserable, unhappy, jealous, bitter, or spiteful.
The reason they act that way is because you’re doing so well, but that’s not your problem either. You deserve good things, and preventing them in order to prevent their outbursts or cruelty is no way to live.
You’ll hear the narcissist mutter something like, “Must be nice,” or “Well, some of us actually have to work for things.” Petty little jabs dressed up as jokes.
7 They simply decide not to speak to you
Why aren’t they replying to your text? Why are they ignoring you at that family event? Why did you wake up to this cold, frosty reception? It’s simply because the narcissist decided they didn’t want to speak with you today.
They got bored, or they want to punish you, or you seemed a little too happy yesterday, and now they want to bring your mood back down again.
One client told me her husband would go three full days without a word, then walk in asking what was for dinner like nothing had happened.
Whatever the reason may be, those decisions will be pre-planned and executed whether you like them or not. It’s what narcissists do to gain control, and a healthy, emotionally regulated person would never dream of it.
They don’t live by the thrill of inconsistency, they’re too busy wanting to just be happy and treat everyone with respect.
8 They spend endless amounts of money while counting every dime you spend
Hands up who knows what this feels like?! I know financial abuse is becoming more widely recognized as a real sign of abuse, and a main cause of narcissistic abuse, and that’s why I had to raise the subject.
Why should anybody go and buy themselves a new shirt or tie or watch, while you can’t even get yourself some new socks? They don’t mind having a twenty minute shower, but you aren’t allowed to run the water bill up any higher than it is.
They get to have that bi-weekly beard trim, but you can’t get an annual haircut without having to justify it first, and even beg for it.
The money will be yours to both spend, but as it’s likely the narcissist is the only one working, they feel they get a say in how you spend what they earn.
I had a client whose partner literally asked for receipts, every single week. She had to justify a pack of tampons. Tell me that isn’t control dressed up as budgeting.
People who are truly happy won’t even think twice about you getting what you need, even if you aren’t the one who brought it in. Maybe your role is at home, and just as important to the family dynamic.
9 Apologies? Yeah, don’t hold your breath
Happy people say sorry. They mess up, they own it, they move on. It’s not a big production, it’s just what decent humans do.
Narcissists? Sorry is a word that gets stuck somewhere in their throat and never quite comes out. Or if it does, it arrives in the most useless shape possible.
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I’m sorry, but you made me do it.”
“I already said sorry, why are you still going on about it?”
None of those are apologies. Those are exits. Ways of ducking out of the room without actually taking anything with them.
You wait for the real one. The one where they look at you and say, “I hurt you, and I was wrong.” It doesn’t come. It’s not going to come.
And the longer you wait, the more you start to wonder if something is wrong with you for even needing it.
There isn’t. You just love a person who cannot hand you the one thing that would actually help. Happy people give it freely. Narcissists ration it into oblivion.
10 They laugh at what you love
There’s something you love. Maybe it’s painting little watercolours nobody ever sees. Maybe it’s the podcast you have on in the car, or the books stacked up beside your bed, or that hobby you finally picked back up after years of putting yourself last.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThe narcissist finds it, and they laugh.
Not with you. At you.
“You’re really into that? Bit sad, isn’t it.” Or the fake smile, the raised eyebrow, the little snort when you mention it at dinner. You feel the heat rise in your cheeks and suddenly the thing that brought you joy feels stupid.
Happy people don’t do this. Happy people ask questions. They want to know why you love what you love, because seeing somebody light up is a nice thing to be near.
Narcissists cannot stand your joy existing outside of them. If you’re finding meaning somewhere they didn’t hand to you, they need to shrink it down until you doubt yourself and put it away.
And that’s exactly why you shouldn’t. Keep loving what you love.
