If only all red flags could wave at you from the most obvious of places such as, I don't know, the front door of the family of the narcissist. At least that way you'd know and be warned that something is very wrong.
Long before you were even in the picture, their toxic dynamics were set in stone. You fell for the narcissist, but you're also starting to love everyone who made them that way. How did they go from a little person, to someone who daily blames you?
I had a client tell me her partner blamed her for a burnt dinner, a delayed train, and his own bad mood, all in one evening. Learned behaviour, every bit of it.
If you found out and learned that, you'll never want to marry one. These 5 family backgrounds are your red flags.
1 "Feelings? Nope… Not here"
The first family, and one I couldn't avoid talking about because, well, what kind of person doesn't ever talk about feelings, let alone an entire family?! You don't really see this at first because when you're first introduced to them, everyone seems so nice.
There's a politeness that strings everybody together in the most positive of ways, and it feels nice. There are smiles from all family members, greeting you, and you think how nice it feels. Upon closer inspection, and I want you to make that closer inspection, what do you see?
Overwhelmingly the answer is:
Nothing real. You ask how people are, and you get, "Fine thanks." You ask what happened to them during that stressful period where they reloaded, and all that happens is they gloss over it and change the subject. Okay…
This type of family is one that comes from a place where any emotions are problems, even when you're too happy.
It's not okay to talk about what's going on and how you're feeling, and when you experience stress, you're to treat it like a thing you can sweep under the carpet. Children grow up in that environment, right?
So they not only watch their family act this way, eventually they learn to do the same, too. Fact: Feelings are weaknesses. Fact: Being vulnerable in any way is a form of self-inflicting danger. Fact: If you stay calm and pretend it isn't happening, you win.
Have you been around this type of family before? This is one that will ignore everything you will inevitably go through with the narcissist like none of it is happening. The denial will be real, and you will never be validated in your pain.
They will dismiss your stress like it doesn't exist, and if you ever burst into tears, they will appear shocked before mumbling something about needing to be somewhere.
I had a client whose mother in law responded to a panic attack with, "Go splash some water on your face." That was it. Back to setting the table.
Anything to get out of your vicinity where you're trying to release what healthy people release. You will never be their big deal, because nothing ever is.
I want that to sit with you for a little while, because this isn't just about now, this is about everything that the future holds, and how alone you will be carrying it all while the entire family acts like nothing is happening.
Don't put yourself in that position, as you'll only end up feeling worse for it.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
2 Golden child vs. the neglected child
If your eyes are open, I can guarantee this is one family dynamic you'll pick up immediately. It will be the type of family background that everyone else has gotten used to, yet you will see it like the biggest red flag there is, well, I hope so, anyway!
In that family, there will be siblings. One sibling will be the person who, at every single opportunity is celebrated. Whatever they do turns to gold, and they are held up like this trophy that is precious and highly sought after. Success oozes out of them, because they're told so.
AKA: The narcissist. The other sibling? They won't be further from this in every aspect. They'll be the ones that you're warned about. "Be cautious around this person!" They will be the one who the family is somehow disappointed with, for whatever reason.
Yeah, they just never really quite got it together. I don't know what happened. They aren't like anyone else in the family. Pitted against each other creates this dynamic that causes damage to both of them, in very different ways.
The first, the golden child, will grow up believing everything they do is amazing. They're exceptional at it all, and it's nothing to do with what they earn, and everything to do with simply who they are. From birth, they were gifted.
They are the one who escapes all rules, and of course, that suits them just fine. The golden child never has to be held accountable, and there's always someone else close by to blame. The other, the scapegoat, will be the one who can never do anything right.
They're seen as the problem, and they are told to always try harder or be more like their perfect sibling. It's a dynamic where resentment can grow, and you will see the outcome and consequences of that.
If any family decides to use siblings in this way, you'll find they rarely, if at all, talk to each other. That distance will have been created by the idea that one is better than the other by far.
The thing that worries a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse is that they're also expected to fall in line with this, bigging up the golden child and punishing the scapegoat. If you don't comply, you won't ever make it into the fold.
And what does that sound like from the parents? Something like, "Why can't you just be happy for your brother?" Loyalty gets confused with silence, and you're the one made to feel wrong for noticing.
3 One parent ruled the house, the other was too afraid to make a sound
You know the types of parents:
I am the one who makes all the decisions and decides who plays what role. I write the rules. What I say, goes. The other parent:
I just want a quiet and peaceful life. I don't want trouble. If I notice conflict, I'll do anything to make it better, smooth it over, even at the cost of my own wellbeing.
Everyone who lives in a house with these types of parents coming together and raising children are in for one dangerous ride. Each family member learns quickly how to read a room. They don't want to walk in if the atmosphere is thick with toxicity.
They adjust where they need to, and make sure they're not saying or doing the wrong thing.
You learn to scan faces before you speak. What mood is the ruler in today? Is it safe to ask for a lift, or should you just walk?
They never want to ask for too much, and any space in the house they take up is purposely small so they don't draw any attention to themselves. Let me tell you, this is not a family.
This is a business role you're being made to play as a child, and if you've walked into this, you're expected to fall in line, too.
If you have grown up living this way, you'll know it right away, but if you haven't, you'll pick up that something in the air just doesn't feel right.
If you marry into this, you will become that parent eventually who doesn't want to cause any problems, and your partner will be the one in control and ruling everyone else. You have to ask yourself honestly:
Is that what you want? It's not too late to change your mind.
4 Money was love, and love came with strings
In some families, love isn't spoken, it's spent. Birthday? Here's a big cheque. School play? A brand new bike. Fell out with mom? Silence, and no allowance for a week.
Growing up in this kind of home teaches a kid something warped. That affection is transactional. That people give you things when you behave, and take them away when you don't.
Warmth becomes a currency, and the child learns very quickly how to earn it, or how to withhold it from others when they want to punish them.
Fast forward twenty years, and you're dating that grown up child. They spoil you, then they go cold. They buy the dinner, then remind you about it three weeks later when you disagree with them. Everything comes with a small, quiet price tag stuck to the underside.
If you say no to the gift, the gift itself becomes the argument. And that's the tell. Real love doesn't keep receipts. This kind of love keeps a whole ledger.
5 The family that competes with everyone (including you)
Some families treat life like a leaderboard. Whose kid got the better grade, whose house is bigger, whose vacation was more impressive, whose partner earns more. The scoreboard is always running, and everybody in the family is a competitor whether they signed up or not.
Marry into one, and guess what? You become another category to score. Your job, your salary, your looks, the way you load a dishwasher, all of it gets measured against a sibling, a cousin, an ex.
You'll hear things like, "Well, my brother's wife made partner last year." Just a little dig, tossed in like it's nothing. It's not nothing. It's the whole language of the household.
And the person you married? They learned that language before they could tie their shoes. Being loved meant beating someone. Being seen meant winning. So they compete with you too, quietly at first, and then not so quietly.
You can't be teammates with someone who was raised to see you as the next opponent. That's the trouble.
