I bet you've probably thought about a million ways to get revenge over a narcissist, haven't you? It can be satisfying to try to think of every single thing that would get them back. What you'd say, do, or how it'd feel to watch them shift and squirm uncomfortably.
I get it. But the thing the narcissist will never say is that whenever you want revenge, you're doing nothing but feeding their supply.
Every plotted comeback, every imagined mic drop moment, it all keeps them living rent free in your head. And that's exactly the kind of tenancy they want.
Surprised? You're about to be!
Revenge?
I know it's hard to believe seeing as you think so differently to a narcissist, but the way to get back at them isn't to take revenge against them. When you go after a narcissist, no matter what that may look like, you're giving your time and energy to them.
You're showing them that you still care enough to respond, even if that response happens to be negative. Do you know what that does to a narcissist? It makes them feel wanted. It gives them attention that makes them feel alive, and with a purpose.
You're still emotionally invested in them, even if you're mad or you want to get back at them.
I had a client tell me once that she spent six months planning the perfect callout post, and when she finally sent it, he replied within minutes. Thrilled.
To them, anything like this that you give shows them they still matter to you, and I feel as though it's one of the biggest mistakes victims of narcissistic abuse do. Still having a hold on you like this? The narcissist sees that as winning, even if you're not happy.
In turn, your revenge then looks like you're still thinking about them in some way, shape or form enough, and to the point where you actively want to seek it. Narcissists love that.
What gets to the narcissist?
Running around after a narcissist is exactly what they want you to do. They need and rely on you for supply, and that supply comes from reacting and responding to every niggle, moan and groan they create.
To watch you fall apart at their feet because you're trying to explain to them how you feel, or how sorry you are, or how much they mean to you? Yeah. That's all a big part of who they are and what they're after from the people they know.
I ask you this, then. Who gets to the narcissist? There has to be the type of person who riles them easily, but who is that, and how can it be the real revenge? It's you. It's all of us. The answer is every single one of us.
If we approach their narcissism in a different way, we are able to overpower their toxicity in a single breath, and that is by being indifferent. You don't need to perform anything, and you certainly don't have to pretend to not care. Indifference is more about channeling nothing.
You aren't hiding your anger or panic, you're simply not feeling it any more, and that's a huge difference. This is the feeling of you diverting your energy back to yourself, and stop giving them a single thought.
If you don't think that's possible, I urge you to think differently, because it's very possible to leave the narcissist behind and focus on your life, starting with giving them nothing.
Indifference isn't cold, it's just full. Full of your own life, your own plans, your own thoughts. There's no room left for their nonsense to take up space.
It's hard to do, and I don't doubt your journey there will have setbacks, but I firmly believe you can hurt the narcissist who has hurt you in this way.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseLet me tell you why it works
When you are dealing with the type of person who runs entirely on supply, you have to start to think about where they get that supply from. Here are some things that are included in narcissistic supply that you may not have even considered:
When you admire them; the narcissist loves it and wants as much of it as possible. Your fear. They love to see you scared, running from whatever is triggering you. Love. Your love for them, and everyone else's, too.
They want to be wanted, and even though they don't know how to love properly, they love that you love them. Hate. If they can create hate, they are creating supply for themselves. Conflict. All conflict is good according to the narcissist.
They stir trouble, sit back and pretend none of it had anything to do with them. All of it means that somehow, you treat the narcissist with emotional significance. They matter to you, and you're doing everything you can to not be indifferent.
If you can be insignificant, you are sending a strong message that says:
You don't matter enough for me to care any more. That's strong, stronger than you could possibly imagine.
One woman told me her ex sent a message saying, "You've become so cold." She smiled reading it. That was the moment she knew the indifference was landing.
Indifference: The truth about it
Indifference has nothing to do with drama. You aren't in this to create merry mayhem and cause upset or conflict. Indifference is much more clever; it has more to do with:
Stop looking them up on social media. Let them post what they want, and don't care less about having to keep up with it. Indifference is not caring. Hearing their name coming up in conversation and choosing to feel nothing.
That pang in your chest is no longer there, and you don't panic at the mere sound of that name. It's just a word to you now. You get to tell your side of the story without feeling triggered by any of what you're saying.
You tell people what the narcissist did to you, and you realize actually, if anything, you're done relaying it all. You now just want to put it behind you and move on with your life. You stop tracking everything the narcissist does. You don't compare yourself to them.
Your healing has nothing to do with them, and their happiness is not a threat to you.
I had someone tell me recently, "I saw his name pop up and just kept scrolling." That's it. That's the whole win. No spiral, no snooping, nothing.
All of this is exactly where you want to be, and if you can get there, you will find yourself getting revenge on the narcissist without any kind of game playing involved.
"I need the narcissist to know that they hurt me!"
I hear you, believe me. I see your messages and comments, and I know that you want the narcissist to know how much pain they've caused, and how unfairly they've treated you all this time. You want it, and I get it, it's almost instinctive to want that.
The thing is, the narcissist already knows they have caused you pain. Often it was done so purposely that it's almost confirmed that you are their victim in just how much they had intent to hurt you so much, so frequently.
They watched it land. They noted which words made you flinch, which silences made you crumble, and they filed it away for next time. That was the point.
The narcissist wins when they know this, and see it happening. If you are showing up in life without them in the picture, then you're showing them that you're no longer someone to be messed with or argue with. Let them sit alone with that.
Believe it or not, this isn't about the narcissist any more
It used to be, but you're done doing that now. You spent too much time focusing on someone who was never going to appreciate you. You thought about all the ways you could get revenge against them until one day, you decided that your energy was better placed healing yourself.
And once that switch flips, it doesn't flip back. You stop caring what they're doing, who they're telling, what version of the story they're spinning this week.
Being indifferent. Moving on.
The Grey Rock Effect Isn't Just a Buzzword
Grey rock gets thrown around online like it's some kind of gimmick, but I promise you, it genuinely works. You become boring. Flat. Uninteresting to the narcissist. No emotional reactions, no long explanations, no big feelings on display for them to feed off.
And they hate it. They really do.
Because what does a narcissist want more than anything? A reaction. Tears, anger, pleading, defending yourself, any of it will do. The moment you go grey rock, that food source dries up.
They poke, they prod, they try harder, and you just give them, "Okay." "Sure." "That's fine." Nothing to grab onto.
I had someone tell me recently that after two weeks of grey rocking her ex, he sent her a message saying, "You've changed, you're cold now." Translation? "I can't get anything out of you and it's driving me mad."
That's the whole point. You're not being cruel, you're just refusing to hand over your energy. And that quiet refusal is one of the sharpest tools you've got.
What About When You Share Kids?
Sharing kids with a narcissist changes the whole game, and I won't pretend otherwise. You can't just walk away and never look back. There's pickups, drop offs, school events, birthdays, the whole lot.
But here's where it gets interesting. The thing that hurts them most isn't you fighting them in front of the kids, or bad mouthing them, or trying to score points. It's watching you become the calm parent. The one the kids run to. The one who listens.
They want you rattled. They want you the "crazy ex" they can point to. When you refuse to play, when your kids come home settled and safe and happy in your company, that lands somewhere very deep for them.
I had a mother tell me once, "He kept trying to bait me at handovers, and one day I just said 'have a lovely weekend' and closed the door. He looked genuinely lost."
That's the win. Not revenge. Just being the parent who's actually present, while they're busy performing.
