Just when you think words will hurt you more than anything, you’re greeted with a new form of abuse that is uncomfortable and endless:
The silent treatment.
The narcissist uses manipulation and control over you to create an atmosphere that is so frosty and rejecting that you cannot help but panic.
It hurts to be ignored, especially when the other person sees how much pain it causes.
That’s the reason why this silent punishment will always end up hurting people the most.
Withdrawing all warmth without warning or explanation so you wonder what you’ve done wrong
The silent treatment is a punishment aimed at you, for no reason at all.
When you’ve grown used to believing that yelling or screaming is how people hurt you, you’re going to be shocked to hear that this form of abuse is what can cause even more pain and suffering.
When someone is yelling or threatening you, it can feel incredibly scary and intimidating. The underlying reality is that you are hearing words, and no matter how bad things get, you know through their words the cause, and how to then deal with the fallout from it.
When someone withdraws all warmth from you without any warning or explanation, you’re left alone to try to figure out what’s going on. It's down to you to work out an answer, and draw up whatever you can from the evidence you have…
That isn’t much if someone is silent, right?
Many victims are then led to assumptions, misinterpreting the silence as something they’ve done wrong when in fact, the opposite is true.
It’s an unsettling place to be, but mark my words, it also feels as though it’s never going to end.
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When you try to connect, you’re rejected
“Please. Just tell me what’s wrong.” “I just want to know how to fix this.” “I’ll do anything.” “Can’t we talk about it?”
Each request is met with more silence, and you wonder how long this could possibly go on for.
The main theme here is that of rejection. You are being rejected by someone who could easily, if there even was a problem, speak to you about it honestly.
They choose not to because they know their silence carries more power than any words or tone of voice could. They could threaten you and scare you, but you’ll at least know what they’re thinking.
Silence doesn’t offer that; it offers a way for you to feel as though you've been abandoned. You wonder if they’re going to leave. You wonder when you’ll next hear their voice.
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You try to make up small talk about your day, or ask them about theirs, and you get nothing in return.
Humans are wired for connection, and when you’re the only one making the effort, it can feel like the biggest heartache.
Experiencing coldness on this scale is no different.
Making you abandon what you were doing just to circle around them
You’re in the house with the narcissist, and they’re wanting a little attention from you. The reason for this is that you look too engrossed in your hobby, your book, or the TV show you wait every week for a new episode of.
The narcissist hates this, and thinks, “What can I do to get their attention back on me?”
They go silent. They start slamming doors and drawers around the house, and sighing every five seconds. Every footstep sounds heavy, and you stop what you’re doing to ask them if everything’s okay.
When you don’t hear a response, you step away from what you were doing to push more for answers.
You hover.
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“What is it?” “You know you can talk to me.” “I’m here for you.” “I can watch that show anytime, it’s you who matters more.”
You’ve given the narcissist exactly what they want, and told them in no uncertain terms that they are your priority.
It must be nice for them to know that, at the drop of a hat, they can twist you around their little finger by literally doing nothing.
Silence is loud, and it can sting more than any words could.
Deliberately leaving you out of conversations just to make you feel isolated
It’s no wonder you’re feeling pain if you haven’t been spoken to in three days, and the narcissist is finding ways to speak to anybody else they see just to rub salt in the wound.
What does this achieve? Isolation.
You’re already probably feeling pretty alone in this relationship, but it’ll be made so much worse when you see that the narcissist is fully capable of talking with other people; they just don’t want to talk with you.
If you weren’t aware, it’s so that you feel there’s something wrong with you. You naturally question yourself.
“Was it something I did?” “Was it something I said?” “Did I forget an important date or appointment?” “Was it my tone of voice?”
You ruminate, and for what? There is no reason, but the narcissist will have you thinking there are five.
The narcissist will refuse to discuss what happened
If you’re still upset the next day, you’re the one with the problem.
The reason you’re upset is because you’ve had to live in the same house as someone who refuses to even acknowledge your existence.
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You might cry, or get frustrated, and that’s where the narcissist will pick up their voice again (how convenient is that?!)
“Look at you. You’re a mess.” “Why are you being so dramatic?” “I was just feeling tired, and you’re making such a big deal of it.”
There it is, the fired shots back at you, making it your fault.
Sadly, this is a familiar story for victims. They assume that yelling is as bad as it could get, without realizing that any type of silence has the ability to cut deep and leave a lasting mark on a person’s confidence and self-worth.
If that sounds like you, I’m not surprised it leaves you feeling exhausted and in a constant state of panic.
It would be me too, if I had to endure this.
Don’t blame yourself, ever
It’s easy to believe that anyone who gives you the silent treatment is doing so for a good reason. You’ve been programmed to believe that their silence is a punishment for you having been bad in some way, so you look back at what they might be.
The problem here is that you’re thinking of yourself at all, because there’s no problem with you, and nothing you did.
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Narcissists are that desperate to be noticed and admired that any time they feel like being silent, they will.
You can wake up the morning after the happiest and best day together, and the narcissist will want to ruin that peace with more drama because it makes them feel special and powerful.
The mistake is you believing that their actions are a response to yours, they are not.
Please start to see the reality behind all of this:
The silent treatment is the worst type of punishment.
