Why is it that anybody has the right to convince you that something they did was your fault?
It hardly seems fair, does it? Deep down in your gut, you know you’re the one apologizing, you’re told you caused it, and you’re reminded to do better next time.
Why and how is this happening, when you know you were the one who was hurt, not the narcissist.
Unfortunately, it happens so often that you end up truly believing you’re the perpetrator.
I have discovered five ways the narcissist will hurt you and make you feel you’ve done wrong, and I need you to remember them for me in order to start protecting yourself.
You're the abuser? How does that work?
Well, I think a good place to start is by reviewing the narcissist’s pool of talent, which is huge when it comes to making other people feel like they’re the problem when in fact, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
An innocent person who just wants a conversation can come away with a long list of reasons why they are the one who is doing the hurting, and of course, that means a period of self-reflection where no actual reflection is needed.
It is worryingly precise though, and so consistent of someone who is toxic to put this kind of energy out there into the world. Over time, it makes you think you are the problem, and that anything you do or say in the future leads you to overthink your actions, words and motives.
“Am I doing it again?” “Is this necessary?” “Should I wind myself in?” “I tend to do this, don’t I?” “I keep running into these same issues.”
No, you don’t. You keep running into the same people. A narcissist will do this to you, and leave you forever wondering why you are such an impossible person, when you’re not.
I can try to convince you, but ultimately it needs to be you who realizes you were just trying your best in an otherwise impossible situation.
Let me now unpack why they do it.
1The narcissist weaponizes each reaction you have
I ask you specifically to think about the narcissist you know, and all the ways they’ve wanted a reaction from you. Further on from thinking about that, I want your mind to go to any time the narcissist has used your reactions against you.
See alsoNever Mistake A Narcissist’s Mother For Your Ally
Hard to fathom when you start digging, isn’t it?
Clients have told me that their narcissistic partners have:
Belittled them. Mocked them. Criticized them. Ignored them. Yelled at them. Accused them. Lied to them. Cheated on them. Dismissed them.
They (like you) have stayed calm for years, until one day, in all of the thousands of days you tolerated it, you snapped.
Let me be clear:
A narcissist will make everyone think that you were the problem for the one time you snapped at their many abusive ways.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
They will try to even convince you that you’re the problem.
“See? You’re crazy.” “Well, you just proved me right.” “I can’t even have a conversation with you without you snapping at me.”
Breaking News:
You’re the bad guy.
Meanwhile, whatever they did to do this to you gets buried under a sea of victim-mode comments and sad faces.
What’s sold is that they’re reasonable, and you’re not.
2History gets rewritten how the narcissist wants it to look
The conversation is remembered as clear as day, yet the narcissist wants it to be noted in history as going a completely different way.
They look at you when you recall it, and they raise their eyebrows.
“Are you on something?” “Why are you making stuff up?” “You always have to twist things to suit you.”
See also9 Things Narcissists Do Behind Your Back
You’re beyond wrong, at this point: you’re tragic to the narcissist. In fact, you’re so unstable that they even accuse you of memory loss, or needing help.
If you ever wondered why victims are forever doubting themselves, this is why. You then do what?...
…You go to the narcissist for the confirmation you need! What is that?! That is manipulation.
Narcissists teach you to trust them entirely, and that includes all the ways they convince you that you feel a certain way, or imagined something.
It's easy then, to tell you that you're to blame for something, right?
Your perception is fractured, according to the narcissist. Soon enough, it'll be what you think about yourself.
It's the trick of a lifetime, but it's as common as it is dangerous.
3Your empathy is worn by the narcissist
“What you did really hurt me.”
You said it, finally. You called the narcissist out, and told them exactly what was on your mind, and who is to blame for it.
I give it a total of thirty seconds before they’ve flipped the entire script, and made you the problem.
“Why would you say that?” “I do nothing but try to support you.” “I can’t believe you’re saying this about me.” “You’re being really hurtful.” “I do so much for you, and this is how you treat me.”
Of course, you meet that with guilt; you feel terrible! Why wouldn’t you?
This is the kind of act that will make you feel as though you just want to take back what you said and keep it to yourself. Hey, maybe you imagine it all, right?
Wrong!
Thinking like this means you’ve been gaslighted for so long you’ve learned to gaslight yourself.
See alsoWhy Narcissistic Parents Get Worse as Children Grow Older
You back down and comfort the narcissist, who is more hurt than you ever could be.
Suddenly, the issue you had dissipates, never to be spoken about again.
The narcissist is aware of how much you care, and it’s something they use against you each and every time.
4Each time you have a boundary, it's seen as an attack
Why should having morals be a problem for anyone? It’s only a problem with the wrong type of person, let me assure you, so when you implement yours in the form of boundaries, you’re indirectly insulting a narcissist (a person who feels they have the right to all of you) incessantly.
“You’re so controlling.” “I had no idea you were this stubborn.” “Do you enjoy being this cold?”
In truth, you just have limits, and nothing and nobody is going to shift any of that.
You’re calm and reasonable, yet you’re treated like the abuser, and that’s because the narcissist wants you to back down.
If you don’t, then you’re to blame, for simply having boundaries that you’re unwilling to compromise on.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
Don’t be fooled into believing your boundaries are aggression.
5Your past is constantly under the spotlight for all the wrong reasons
“You want to talk about that? Why don’t we talk about you?!”
Because you guys did that already, right? A thousand times. You said sorry and you made sure you worked on making it better.
Whenever the narcissist is held accountable, they want to remind you about the two times you messed up in your entire relationship, because it takes the heat off them and makes you look as imperfect as you’re claiming the narcissist to be.
They just cannot handle criticism, which is ironic seeing as they dish it to you every single day.
