As you were happy to be exchanging vows with someone you feel head over heels for, I want to bring you back down to earth with the reality of what you have ahead of you.
He isn't honest, and there are 5 family secrets he will hide from you as you progress into that marriage.
The weeks, months, and years tick by, and you have no idea what he's capable of, and what he keeps from showing up at the table with.
What hurts the most is that some of these secrets existed way before your marriage did.
1Outside the house lies a whole different version of him
Behind closed doors will sit a narcissist who is going to be whatever he wants to be.
If he needs to be charming to get something he wants from you, then that will be a switch that flicks on immediately. If he wants to control you, he will use whatever means to get that in his corner. If he wants to be difficult, he will gladly show you what that looks like.
He maintains home life with you in a way that keeps him in charge, and the authority of the house. It's when he leaves the house that everything changes, and I want to show you what I mean by that.
"When he used to go out, it was like he became this actor. He'd make jokes to strangers on the train, or pay attention to dogs that pass by, or pretend to love kids and family life. People would almost fall at their feet watching him make jokes, be warm, be patient and appear as loyal. How do I know any of this? Because people would tell me, and it would make me feel really uncomfortable to know that they saw a totally different version than the man I came to dread at home."
Reality, right? For pretty much all of you, I'd say.
As you sit at home wondering what you did wrong, or how you can manage to keep the peace, the narcissist, that same person, is out there charming the world and making it seem as though they're the most generous person in it.
You rarely see that guy because he rarely shows it, and when he does it's never for long enough.
See alsoWhat Narcissists Fear When They Are Alone at Night
2Your finances are not what he claims them to be
Are they ever?
This is precisely why narcissists don't want you having access to bank accounts or statements, or even debt. They don't want you knowing the truth. They don't want you knowing how much things cost, and they certainly don't want you seeing the hoards of cash they keep around the house that's meant to be the ultimate secret from you.
This invisible power is still power, and it means the narcissist is able to keep from you every little bit of trouble you're likely falling into financially.
He knows exactly what is in each account, and he makes investments you have no idea about.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
If you were to one day open up and ask the question, "What do our finances look like?", you'd be hung out to dry.
"You're paranoid." "Are you saying you don't trust me?" "You think I can't handle some finances here and there?" "You think you can do a better job?" "Don't pretend you know what you're talking about."
And so on and on it goes.
He will give you just enough information to pacify you, and anything else is hidden and kept a secret. If you dare ask, you're the one who is obsessed.
You can't win.
3The truth about what he thinks of your family and friends
It won't be unusual for the narcissist to be friendly toward people in front of them. He will do everything he can to look charming, and will tick all the boxes he needs to tick.
Get him behind closed doors, and his real opinions and level of toxicity will come out for you to see.
"Your sister is exhausting to be around." "Why is your dad always so miserable?" "Your friends are such a bad influence on you." "You're so much better than the people you keep in your life." "I don't know why you spend so much time with people who treat you like this."
See also12 Ways To Shutdown a Narcissist When They Won’t Stop
He doesn't treat you like anything; the narcissist just wants you to be isolated, and he loves to tell you what he really thinks in order to get you to eventually agree with him.
Every single person you love is up for scrutiny. He will not stop at building a case against everyone because that's what he does; that's what makes him a narcissist.
One day, you'll feel like you need to make a choice between all those people and him, and he wants you to pick him. That's why he sets you up like he does.
His secret isn't that he cares about you, it's that he wants you lonely so you only depend on him.
4He 100% rewrote his past relationships
Of course he did! He's never going to tell you that he cheated on every single partner he had, is he?!
If you ask him about his exes, he will make sure he fits into every story that he was a victim and that you should feel sorry for him.
What you won't hear is just how much his exes said about him, or how they exposed his toxic behavior.
You'll never get to hear how long it took them to rebuild themselves after the abuse they had to endure for all that time.
Every chapter of his life gets rewritten so that you don't suspect a thing, and you stay because you feel it's really love…
…It's anything but!
The villain is the very person you love, and who claims to love you back.
Let's be honest, he doesn't love you; he only loves what you do for him.
See alsoHave You Noticed This One Weird Thing About Being on Vacation With a Narcissist?
5His real feelings about how he sees your true potential
Once he gets that ring on your finger and those papers signed, he's got you right where he wants you.
It's a quiet, even subtle way of keeping a secret from you, but he will want you to believe that your true potential doesn't exist.
You might mention going back to college and finishing your course, or starting to learn a new skill for a job you want.
Big mistake.
You'll be talked out of it quicker than you can inhale, and you'll be told things like:
"I don't think you're going to be able to manage it." "Times change. You have to learn to put some dreams to bed and grow up." "I need you here for the family and the house." "You don't need to do that. I am taking care of us."
None of these are out of care or concern, they're out of control.
See alsoTHIS is What Makes Narcissists
His secret is that he doesn't want you bigger than him, and he doesn't want you succeeding because it isn't him.
"You're getting a bit too big for your boots."
You feel guilty.
You promise you won't chase what you want.
His secret keeps you small.
