Every vacation you have is supposed to be filled with fun and laughter, and not a narcissist breathing down your neck, telling you that everything you do is wrong.
While you’re excited, the narcissist is finding fault with everything you do, and suddenly your dream getaway is turning more and more into a nightmare.
With your stomach in knots, it’s no wonder you think, “How is this happening yet again?”
Yet, one thing you probably haven’t factored in is that it has happened again.
Like it happens all the time.
1The pattern that you can’t unsee
People tell me things like:
“I wish I saw it all those times right before a vacation. The narcissist would pick a fight with me out of nowhere, and I always knew it was coming. I just didn’t think to connect the dots.”
“I was so looking forward to going away, and all that ended up happening was me feeling terrible because the narcissist would find fault in something, anything, that I did.”
“I saw it, and now I can’t unsee any of it.”
That’s it, isn’t it? The fact that you can’t unsee what you’ve finally been granted the mental freedom to do: look deeper at what the narcissist did to you all those times.
See alsoHave You Noticed This One Weird Thing About Being on Vacation With a Narcissist?
The last vacation you went on will have been amazing in theory, but the reality was something completely different.
That’s where I ask you to think back to the last time you genuinely felt good about going away. A trip that was on your mind that was just as good in it as it was experiencing it.
The narcissist never wants you to look forward to anything, and so picking a fight out of nowhere is all they’ve really got to turn your great mood into something far more sad and depressing.
Don’t see the coincidence here; there is none.
Right before you’re due to take off or set off on that car ride, you’re in for it, and everything will go from exciting to terrifying.
See also5 Passive Aggressive Tactics Narcissists Use That You'd Never Recognize As Abuse
This was all by design, and very intentional. The narcissist will know what they’re doing, and they will know exactly how to get under your skin.
2The biggest threat to the narcissist is your happiness
When you’re happy, the narcissist feels like they could just fall apart at any moment. It isn’t that they want what you have, it’s that they can’t feel what you feel. They’re jealous of the fact that you’re so genuinely excited about a vacation that they don’t want you to have it.
Stealing it becomes their only option, and it’ll be the very thing they do to make themselves feel better.
Your joy is uncomplicated. It doesn’t involve anyone getting hurt, or anyone manipulating or controlling a single thing. For the narcissist, this is just so confusing.
Seeing as a vacation is such a dangerous territory for any narcissist, they have to change it. They hate to see you laughing and breathing in a relaxed way. They hate to see you be yourself with no pressure of work or life surrounding you.
A narcissist is unable to control the version of you that’s on vacation like they do the version of you they know at home.
You’re away, you’re carefree, you don’t have the routine they rigidly carved out for you while you’re sat by a beach, so the day is yours for the taking.
See also7 Reasons Why Car Rides Are a Narcissist’s Favorite Place to Abuse
This is why the night before, the narcissist will create some kind of crisis that you have to listen to or deal with. They want you rattled, and stepping on that plane with thoughts of anything but the vacation will be their end goal.
They want you saying sorry for things you didn’t even do, because that means more control overall.
3There is a power dynamic that shifts and resets
There will have been a shift occurring under the surface in the weeks leading up to any vacation with a narcissist. While you’re busy getting excited, the narcissist is even more busy making sure they are thinking of ways to bring you down.
You can’t wait to go here, make plans there, and you want to be the independent person you’ve been looking forward to being.
It sounds wonderful, right? You are going to be on neutral ground, where the narcissist cannot blame you, yet you are still blamed, time and time again.
Right before you go on vacation, that fight is something the narcissist is counting on. The fight itself acts as a grip on you, something they feel has been lost due to the excitement of you wanting to go away.
Fighting is like hitting the reset button; every narcissist’s dream.
You’re anxious, the narcissist gets their own way, you try to smooth things over so they’re not annoyed.
You’re right back where the narcissist needs you the most: under their spell and unable to see the light at the end of your tunnel.
Vacation is now something that you dread, rather than the event that would fill you up with joy.
They know exactly what they’re doing.
See also Narcissists Absolutely Hate People Who Have These 8 Traits
I don’t want you to ever underestimate the power of the narcissistic abuse dynamic; it’s what every narcissist thrives on. They don’t want you to be powerful at all, and your joy to you acts like a power because it changes how you feel. Your happiness makes you feel good, and the narcissist knows they had nothing to do with making you feel that way…
…But they can make you feel the opposite in a split second.
4The mood that goes wherever you go
Many people will want to try to sort out the issue before they leave for vacation, which ultimately ends up with something feeling as though it’s still lingering.
It might be that as you get in the car to go, you’re quieter than you would have been. That feels and looks like someone who has had all the joy sucked out of them, and I know what a terrible feeling that leaves victims with.
You check your phone to see if the narcissist has texted you anything that shows they still have a problem with you, or if they’re still mad.
It means you’re less present, too. You’re not living in the moment like you should be; instead you’re worrying about what happened, how you could’ve stopped it, and what you can do to make it better.
Officially, and in the moment, the fight did its job, and set out to break you a little before you step foot on vacation.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
The fight is coming with you. The fight travels with you. The fight never leaves you.
If you go onto vacation being anything less than yourself, it’s not going to be fair to you, and you learn to dread anything good that comes your way because it leaves you with these memories of fights you’d rather forget.
I can’t stress enough that none of this is your fault, even though that’s what you will think, possibly for years.
Narcissists are good at making everyone else feel bad. Just remember, you don’t have to carry this.
