Being in a car with a narcissist is trapping enough, and you have to tolerate a car ride that is full of them moaning, shouting, and talking down at you until you arrive at your destination.
By then, you're affected by this in such a way that you're ill prepared for the event you drove to. You walk in, your throat as tight as your chest, and you have to force that smile, while they act like nothing happened.
And you're the one who has to walk in first, apologising with your eyes, hoping nobody looks too closely at you. They always do.
Sound familiar to you? This is no accident; this is to break you over and over.
1 Right there, that was the purposeful moment
Everyone asks me, "Alexander, why the car? What is it about these vehicles that make it the perfect place to start a fight?"
I have such a long answer that often, I never know where to even begin. I have to start by saying that it was pre-empted by the narcissist.
They know exactly what they're doing when they get in the car with you and start the engine, especially if you're headed somewhere where you have to smile and chat to other people.
It's never going to be ten minutes before you both leave the house, while you're in the kitchen and can walk away from them into any other room while they shout and yell at you. It will be the car; the one place you have no way of escaping.
The wheels are turning, the speed is increasing, and if you try to get out, you'll either be locked in or you'll really hurt yourself. And so, you're trapped. The narcissist knows this, and that's what they love most about being in that small space with you.
As you're buckled in, they know you're not going anywhere. Why do you do this? Whenever we go somewhere you have to be miserable? Why do you always bring the mood down? Why is everything about you? Do you know how frustrating you are?
The narcissist will pull you in all kinds of directions, just to get a rise from you. You stare out the window, wishing you were standing alone in the quiet fields that are rolling by, just for some peace and solitude.
One client told me she used to count the road markings just to keep herself from crying, because tears meant hours of, "Oh so now I'm the bad guy."
You know, and so does the narcissist, that you're a million miles away from having that.
2 Wherever you're headed, you arrive defeated
I know what you're thinking at this point. "I wish I was anywhere else other than here."
You've got to go in, pretend everything's fine, smile at people you don't want to see, and all the while do so convincingly. The fight in the car will do this. You will get to your destination feeling frazzled, and that's me being kind!
You may have made yourself look beautiful, but that won't matter when you get there with puffy eyes and smears down your cheeks. Perhaps you did well in your eyes to hold everything together so you can walk in at least looking somewhat normal. I get it.
Your mind feels as though it's being pulled in a million different directions and you wonder how on earth you got here. You enter the building distracted already. You seem withdrawn, and you have a matter of seconds to pull yourself together and paint on your best acting face.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseBecause the narcissist is great at performing and pretending, they expect you to be, too. And then what? You can't explain to people what's wrong. You can't even begin to know where to start, and you know it's not appropriate and you won't be believed.
You end up looking like the difficult one, and that's how you present yourself, and how you worry people see you at that moment.
Someone squeezes your arm and asks if you're feeling under the weather, and you nod, because saying anything else opens a door you can't shut in public.
This is exactly what the narcissist wanted.
3 Meanwhile, they get to enter as the star of the show
I think this would be what made me feel the most sick if I were married to a narcissist; watching them walk into the room like nothing happened. Tom! How's it going? Sam! Still rocking these amazing suits! Rose! Look at you, you look incredible! Dan!
I love your car outside. What is that, a 2 litre? They walk in, shake hands with everyone, leave you trailing in their shadow, and lapping up all the attention they're getting.
They're present, and able to switch the argument off like it's a switch, but where does that leave you? You're still shaking, trying to catch your breath and not succumb to that pain in your chest that feels like a heart attack.
The damage the narcissist caused in the car was not absorbed by them. They didn't hold onto it, because it was never theirs to grasp; it was yours, at least that was their aim. People whisper to you:
What's wrong? You don't seem yourself. Are you feeling okay? You seem stressed. If they aren't saying it to you, they're whispering it to the people around them because it's that obvious that you aren't okay. Your apparent mood becomes their gossip for the evening.
And guess who gets to drive home hearing all about how embarrassing you were? Right. The performance never actually ends, it just changes venues.
4 Every time it's set up for you to fail and suffer
You have to understand that this is what a narcissist wants to do every single time they get into that car and start a fight with you.
They don't do it because they're stressed and want to vent, they do it because they're setting you up to believe that you're some kind of problem.
The trap is that you are walking into the fight as much as you're walking into that room twenty minutes later barely able to breathe; with no energy.
It's what cracks victims, and makes them feel as though they have to now dread every single outing with the narcissist because of more of the same. The narcissist meanwhile, will dismiss you the moment they don't need you to shout at any more.
As soon as you arrive, the audience changes, and so does their behavior. If you're walking into the room as that cracked person, they've set up your entire mood for the rest of the night. This makes you easier to manage, and they can dismiss you when they want to.
If you didn't feel small already, you certainly will soon enough.
They wanted a version of you that was already deflated on arrival, because a deflated you doesn't correct them, doesn't laugh too loud, doesn't outshine them in front of anyone.
5 This is a pattern you can't pretend doesn't exist
I know you will want to pretend none of this is happening. You might convince yourself that the car rides are where the narcissist is able to let off steam, and you just tolerate it.
This doesn't have to be a part of your life though, nor does it have to be a pattern you pay any attention or energy to. Dreading any kind of car ride with the narcissist is not what you should be doing with your life.
Instead, I want you to listen to that dread and ask yourself why it even exists at all. Arriving at places feeling broken doesn't have to be how you live. Faking a smile for everyone shouldn't be how you greet them, and how they come to know you either.
You matter.
That dread in your stomach before you even pick up the car keys is information. It's your body telling you the truth long before your mind is willing to.
6 The drive home is somehow even worse
You thought the fight in the car on the way there was bad? Wait until you're strapped back in for the return trip. Now they've had a few hours of being adored, and you've had a few hours of pretending you're fine.
The doors close, the engine starts, and it begins again, only this time it's a full debrief on everything you did wrong.
Why did you barely speak to Sarah? Why were you standing on your own like that? Do you know how it looks when my wife acts miserable at these things? You couldn't even fake being happy for one evening for me?
And you sit there, exhausted from a night of performing, listening to them dissect every micro expression on your face. You don't even have the energy to defend yourself anymore. You just want your bed, your pillow, the dark.
By the time you pull into the driveway, you're not the same person who left the house that morning. You're something quieter. Smaller. And that's exactly the point.
7 You start bracing before you even grab the keys
Long before you're anywhere near the car, your body knows. You're upstairs getting ready, and there's already this low hum of anxiety sitting in your ribs. You're rehearsing responses to arguments that haven't even started yet.
You're thinking about which topics to avoid, which tone to use, whether to sit quietly or make light conversation to try and steer the mood.
That is not normal, and it certainly isn't how anyone should feel before a night out or a family lunch. You're essentially prepping for battle in the same breath as choosing your shoes.
You start timing your bathroom trips so you don't end up alone with them too early. You take your time finding your bag. You suddenly need to check on something in another room. Anything to delay that moment where the door clicks shut and it's just the two of you.
Bracing is not overreacting. It's memory. Your body has done this drive before, and it knows exactly what tends to happen once the seatbelt clicks.
