Whether you’re in their presence or not, the narcissist has three people as their most contacted texters. You don’t know this, I mean, why would you? As far as you’re concerned, the relationship is open and honest, but in actual fact, it couldn’t be further from the truth.
The truth?
The narcissist is secretly keeping these 3 people around, and for good reasons (for them, at least).
You think you know who they’re talking to, but it’s about time we made space for the people the narcissist will never tell you about.
Each one of them serves a purpose.
1The ex you were told was firmly out of the picture and in the past
“We’re just friends.” “I don’t know why you’re getting so paranoid.” “Why would I want to talk to someone who is in my past?” “I don’t know why you’re always so paranoid.”
It goes on and on, but ultimately, the narcissist will, if you ever even found out, play it down like it means nothing.
You’re the problem. You’re to blame. You’re the needy one. You’re jealous.
The narcissist thinks they can do whatever they want, and this is no exception. Texting an ex is something they can’t resist, and that means keeping from you the fact that they’re walking down memory lane with a person they used to date.
See also9 Yes or No Questions a Narcissist Will Never Give You a Straight Answer To
To make matters worse, those texts will be filled with ‘good times,’ talk of the ‘old days,’ and probably lots of flirting and exchanges of photos to keep them feeling as though they have options.
As far as the narcissist is concerned, chatting with an ex like this still makes them feel loved and remembered fondly. It gives them a great sense of power and pride to know that despite the relationship not being official any longer, they’re still chatting with someone they’ll convince themselves is still ‘hung up’ on them.
I know you will have been told the ex is firmly out of the picture, which makes the texting all the more painful.
The ex is kept around as another source of supply. When you roll into your next argument, the narcissist wants someone to sound off to, as well as someone to boost their ego and confidence when they need it the most.
For them, there’s no bad reason to have their ex around. The fact that it’s wrong won’t cross their mind; they don’t care about what’s right or wrong.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
The narcissist needs a back up, and they’ve got one.
2The friend the narcissist keeps who feeds information about you back to them
Much harder to spot, but all the same, the friend who fits this mold is in the narcissist’s contacts, and they are one of the most texted.
When you figure out that this is going on, you will be frightfully reminded that someone who is living in your social circle is always watching you. Whatever you say or do is going to be fed back to the narcissist in ways you aren’t even aware of.
I think what’s sad about this is that this person has no idea they’re being used; they just think they’ve got a great friend in the narcissist.
It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person either, it means they’re easily led and willing to do anything to please the most toxic person around.
“How’s everything going? Are they okay?” “Have you seen them lately?” “What’s the latest with them?”
See also7 Weaknesses Every Narcissist Has That Will Destroy Them In The End
All innocent enough, and if said in the right way, seems like genuine, curious, innocent questions.
The narcissist wants to map you. If they can’t be with you all the time, they need eyes and ears on you to make sure what they don’t see is covered by someone else.
This is where this person comes into play, and they are sent to watch you.
Are you healing? Are you making friends? Are you fulfilling all your dreams? What are you filling up your spare time doing? Have you moved on?
Information is vital to them in order to feel as though they still have control over you, whether you’re together or not.
Don’t be fooled for a moment that this is a genuine situation where they care about you. Narcissists are good at making you think that, when everything else but that is the actual case.
3The person they run to when their narcissistic mask slips
Every narcissist has one!
A client once told me:
“My ex husband used to totally change around his mom. I never noticed it until one day I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing from other people. They’d tell me that he talked down about me, complained, and criticized. I heard his mom would tell him that he deserved better, when in fact, it took all the strength I had to keep trying to do the right thing by him every day.”
There is always someone the narcissists’ mask slips for, and they cannot live without them.
Think of their entire lives as one big performance. They need a break from time to time because of how exhausting that is for them, and it’s then the narcissist slips and resorts to who they truly are under that layer of pretense.
See alsoWhen a Narcissist Hates You This Much, You Should Feel Flattered
This person, whoever it may be, acts as a total lifeline for the narcissist. They’ll also never be there for you or hear your side of the story because why would they? They believe every word that falls out of the narcissist’s mouth, and will support them no matter what because all they see is the version of you the narcissist edits.
“I want to look like the victim.”
Those are the thoughts of a narcissist, and once they find the perfect person to help them with that, it’s game over for you.
Allowing that mask to slip reveals what a liar the narcissist is, but it really is a case of only hearing one side of the story, as it’s obviously never going to work in your favor.
For you, here’s why all of this matters
You need to know. I think that’s where we start here, don’t we? You need to know exactly what is going on in secret with this person you claim is perfect and who you say loves the bones of you.
If you know about these three contacts, it doesn’t mean you have to confront anyone about it, but you can understand that what you see in the narcissist is nothing but a big set up. You see the tip of the iceberg of what goes on, and underneath the surface is someone who wants what they want, and who will stop at nothing to get it.
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That’s exactly it; the full picture is not accessible for anyone who is in a relationship with a narcissist, and I find that so hard to sit with as a professional.
Yes, your confusion is real. Yes, it means something bigger.
When it starts to make sense in your own mind, you can’t avoid what all the signs are pointing at:
Secrets, lies and more dishonesty.
