Once upon a time, you were the single most important thing in the world to the narcissist. Remembering what that feels like can particularly hurt when you look at the reality of the present moment:
Everything has stopped.
From the way they’d drop everything to be with you, to now, where the narcissist acts as if they genuinely couldn’t care any less for you, I get it.
When you feel as though the narcissist won’t do the simple things to keep your relationship afloat; this one’s for you.
1First the chase, then… nothing
What happened?!
Those sweet early days with a narcissist can feel like you’re in heaven on earth. Each day will come with this promise of love through things like grand gestures, those texts all hours of the day and night, and all that effort they’d go to, to make sure you feel loved and valued.
I’ve never met anyone like you before. You mean so much to me. I’ll never feel this way again about anybody.
All of their gestures were never really about you, and that’s not to say that you weren’t loveable; you were and are deserving of that.
This was more about the chase, and how the narcissist sought to get you. They wanted a shiny, new playtoy, and you fit the bill well. As soon as they knew they had you, the game was officially over because it was you they won.
Narcissists would do anything to have you believe that you’re the one for them, when all along, all they wanted to do was be able to say, “You’re mine.”
2The narcissist says things to get you
See also5 Things Narcissists Realize Too Late After Losing You
I don’t want to trigger any of you, but I am going to offer you some examples of how a narcissist can say things to you to make you feel like you’re the only other person alive in the world with them.
I’d do anything for you. You’re so different from everyone else I’ve dated. It’s like I’ve always known you. I’ve never wanted to put as much work into a relationship as I have with you. I don’t see myself ever loving anyone again. I thought I knew what love was until I met you. You’re amazing, and I never want this to end. I don’t want to stop this thing we’ve started.
They all sound rather beautiful, don’t they?
You think, “Wow. This person loves the bones of me.”
They’re all lines designed specifically to pull you in and keep you, and they work. All your life you’ve only ever wanted to be loved. Nothing complicates that feeling and need, and when you get given the chance to feel it and experience it in real life, you’re going to jump at the chance.
See also5 Passive Aggressive Tactics Narcissists Use That You'd Never Recognize As Abuse
This is what love is supposed to feel like. It’s what it sounds like.
It’s not naive of you to have fallen for it. Sadly, the narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing and what to say in order to hook you. They see your face light up with happiness the moment they start telling you all of these things, and that’s when they know:
It worked.
3It soon becomes clear that any effort quickly disappears
It has to change at some point. Along the path of your ‘true love’, things start to shift, and not for the better. Narcissists will cancel plans, and let you down more and more frequently.
On top of that, the narcissist will start to show you that their moods can change in a split second. As they go from ice cold to hot as fire, you learn where and when to walk on eggshells because it seems to be the only way you can even slightly manage them.
Eventually, you get to this point where you want to address it:
You’ve been a little distant lately. Is everything okay?
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What you get back is far from a person who initially gave you all those wonderful comments.
Here we go again. Why do you do this? Why are you so needy? You’re always asking so much of me. Give me a break.
Once upon a time, this person would’ve gladly moved mountains for you, and now they can’t even answer a simple, genuine question you have without making you feel like you’re a huge inconvenience to them.
It’s such a subtle, slow change that it only makes you feel guilty, and you blame yourself for being the very person the narcissist has started to describe you as. You don’t want to be loud any more; it seems to drive them into more anger.
So you shrink.
If you know what this feels like, you’ll be exhausted just remembering it.
4This is why a narcissist cannot be bothered to go out of their way
A narcissist doesn’t like to step out of their usual games and make considerable effort in the long term because this was never about love.
They wanted to win you, to know that winning is still something they can do.
They are fuelled by the pursuit of anything (anyone) they want. Keeping it is never as exciting as getting it, which is why you were a challenge they rose to, but don’t care about soon after.
What’s in it for them is the control of you believing them when they tell you how much they love you.
Maintaining that? This is a totally different thing. It means consistently showing up for someone, being open, honest and vulnerable.
It means being there when there’s no more to gain, and that’s boring to them. It’s like working a job and not getting paid for it, so their interest fades, just like their charm.
See also9 Things Narcissists Do Behind Your Back
That’s why narcissists stop. They can tick off their list that they got you, but having you and keeping you is beyond boring to them, so they switch off, leaving you very confused about what happened.
5Asking for the basics starts to feel like too much
Somewhere along the way, you’ll learn to stop asking for those big things that hooked you in. Eventually that means you start to learn to settle for breadcrumbs, you know, those little fragments of kindness or warmth that may show up once in a blue moon.
These moments give you an injection of feel-good; you remember the version of the narcissist you met that was loving and kind, and you tolerate all the crap and abuse in between, and there’s a lot of that.
You ask to spend a little time with the narcissist, but they aren’t interested. It always seems to be that they’re somewhere else in their own head.
You wouldn’t be wrong in feeling the contrast here. This is a pattern the narcissist can’t live without, and you’ve become a part of it.
6Figuring out who is really to blame
You didn’t change.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
You didn’t ask for too much.
You didn’t somehow become less lovable overnight.
The narcissist is fully to blame, as they stopped pretending. The hurtful truth is, they did pretend when you first met, and that’s why so many victims are just unable to get their heads around it all.
You watched them perform for you, promising the moon and stars, and offering nothing but dust.
You deserve a real person who will move mountains for you.
