Listen to you, thinking you're so smart. You know, nobody actually even likes you. You got lucky. The narcissist will throw insults at you, and some will try to really land on your heart.
The narcissist never wants you to think they're secret confessions of what they envy the most about you. That's right. What they tell you is not about you, it's about how they feel about themselves.
Every single insult is a mirror they're holding up to themselves, then handing you the blame for what they see in it. Sneaky, right?
I love this topic as it exposes them in the worst way.
1 Every insult is a window to what the narcissist craves
A narcissist wishes they had things all the time, and when they're throwing you insults, it's proof of that. Of course, a narcissist has to do it their own, toxic way, and so they will yell criticisms at you. They want to sound concerned. They want to joke.
They're 'just being honest.'
Underneath every one of those is envy; something a narcissist just cannot admit they're feeling or experiencing. Knowing why is a real integral part to knowing a whole lot about narcissists in general, and it has a lot to do with confidence.
Authentically confident people don't walk around making a whole lot of noise. They don't go around cutting other people down to make themselves feel better, either. If a person wants to shrink you and make you smaller, you have to ask the kind of place they're acting from.
It must be hollow, and when you do what you do to invoke that envy, you're reminding them that they are jealous, and that they want what you've got.
I had a client tell me her ex once muttered, "Must be nice, being you," right after tearing her apart for twenty minutes. He said the quiet part out loud.
2 "You think you're such a know-it-all"
You always think you know everything. Look at you, thinking you're so smart. It's never a pat on the back. It's never, "Well done, you!" This is the kind of insult that looks to punish you for daring to do something, or figure something out.
You stand on your own two feet, and you're mocked for it. You're a well-informed person who holds their own in conversation, and you don't need to fake any part of it in order to get by.
A narcissist won't be able to stand that, because this isn't how you'd describe them. Instead, they spend their days pretending, trying to fit in, and trying to look smart even though that rarely works in their favor. When you show up knowing your stuff, you overpower the narcissist.
You're showing them that you're strong and defiant, with that quiet confidence you don't need to be trying to sell, because it sells itself.
The narcissist has no other option but to call you a know-it-all because they want to drag you down a few pegs and make you see that you're not everything you think you are (even though you don't think you're anything in particular). They want to know it all.
You are a reminder that they aren't.
So they smear the word smart until it sounds like an accusation. As if knowing things is a personality flaw you should apologise for.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House3 "You're so attention seeking"
Isn't this one just hilarious? This is coming from someone who demands attention wherever they go, and who literally shrivels up the moment people aren't looking their way.
They redirect every single conversation back to themselves, and they can't sit in a room for long without being the topic of conversation. When a narcissist calls you attention-seeking, you have to really listen to what they're truthfully saying:
You're so good at getting people to pay attention to you, and that's something I have to work hard to get. Wherever a narcissist goes, drama and conflict follows. They just want to stay relevant, and they do what it takes to make that happen.
Somehow, though, you merely exist in a world where people are drawn to you in a positive and warm way. You're like a magnet for good people and good conversation, and that drives narcissists wild with envy. How do you do it?
Because you don't demand it, and because you're naturally someone who lights up a room.
And why does that sting them so much? Because they've been performing for years to get half of what you get by just walking in.
4 "Your sensitivity is strong!"
Why are you always the sensitive one? Why is it that your hurt to their pain is held up like it's some kind of problem when in fact, it's a natural reaction to being hurt?
When you tell the narcissist how they treated you wasn't okay, you're labelled 'far too sensitive.' You have some kind of audacity for having feelings. I'll let you into a big secret here, because what's really going on couldn't be further from what you're hearing.
When a narcissist sees you releasing all your emotions, speaking what's on your mind, and not being afraid of that, they're reminded of all the ways they can't access how they're truly feeling, not at least without falling apart into tiny pieces.
To be vulnerable like that is one of their biggest fears; it terrifies them, so when you're standing there, openly discussing how hurt you are, they will naturally resent you for that. They simply cannot handle it.
They tell you that you have a weakness, but it's actually a strength that they're trying to rewrite. They envy it about you, and it drives them crazy to know that you're so comfortable being you.
Meanwhile, what does their version of feelings look like? A slammed door, a silent treatment, a sudden rage over the dishwasher. That's the range they're working with.
5 "You didn't do well, you just got lucky this time"
Oh, that old chestnut, right? Narcissists really know how to come along and put out your fires, don't they? You did something, you achieved it. You succeeded. You worked hard and it paid off. You got to where you wanted to be. You smashed your goals.
The narcissist could acknowledge it and say how proud they are of you, or at least tell you what a good job you did. Healthy people would, yet these people will turn green with envy that you're succeeding and they aren't.
You ruin their image just by being good at something when they spend every waking hour fighting to be the best at everything. And so, what you got was luck, or a mistake, or they tell you not to get too big for your boots.
It means the narcissist has to sit with everything they haven't done, and you're their reminder of that. And so, they speak to knock you down, so you can never really be excited about anything without thinking you got there on a whim.
The line I hear over and over is, "Anyone could have done that." No, actually. You did it. They didn't. That's the whole point.
6 What can you do about it?
Well, at first I'd say you just have to let what the narcissist is saying sink in for just a moment. Let the words land, but look for the hidden meaning right away.
Question what you're doing rather than what they're saying, because their words are a reflection of your actions. Instead of truly thinking that you're someone who is lucky, or that you are sensitive, ask what you're doing to the narcissist that's making them feel small.
How they feel small is where envy grows, and the bigger picture will reveal itself, but it's always far more complex than you simply being a problem because of who you are.
A narcissist always confesses what they really think of themselves when they insult or criticize you, and knowing that will help you learn that you were never the problem.
Once you start hearing insults as confessions, they lose most of their sting. You stop asking, "What's wrong with me?" and start asking, "What's eating them?"
7 "Nobody actually likes you" (says the lonely one)
This one gets thrown out when you've just told them you're going out without them, or when you've mentioned plans with friends they weren't invited to. "Nobody actually likes you. They tolerate you." And it stings, of course it does, because it's designed to.
But who is really the lonely one here? Look at their phone. Who calls them just to catch up? Who checks in when they're having a rough week? Who invites them to things without an agenda attached?
Nobody. That's the answer. Narcissists burn through people. They wear friendships out and then wonder where everyone went. You, on the other hand, have people who genuinely like being around you, and they can see that plain as day.
So they tell you nobody likes you because they're describing their own reality and hoping you'll believe it applies to yours. It's a straight up projection dressed as a fact. When someone accuses you of being unloved, half the time they're just sharing their own diary entry.
8 "Look at what you're wearing" and other envy dressed as concern
"Look at what you're wearing" is never actually about the outfit. It's about the fact that you got dressed today thinking about yourself, not them. You picked something you liked. You walked out feeling good in your skin. That, right there, is what they can't stand.
So it comes out as concern. "Are you sure about that top?" "That's a bold choice." "I just don't want people staring." Translation: people are already looking, and I noticed, and now I need to make you second guess every mirror you pass.
Narcissists dress for the room. They dress to be perceived, to be admired, to be safe from criticism. You dress because you like the colour. Different worlds entirely.
The envy underneath it is quiet but heavy. They wish they could throw something on and feel settled in it. They can't. Every outfit is a performance for them, and here you are, not performing at all, and somehow winning the room.
That's the part they can't say. So they talk about your hemline instead.
