We sometimes say things we don’t mean, and other times, we can absolutely say things we don’t realize the reason behind.
Today is about the latter. Words come out of our mouths around your narcissistic partner, and rather than pause and ask yourself why you’re saying that, you just say it to keep the peace and survive another day.
If you recognize these phrases, then you’ll know you’re simply doing all you can just to get by.
And that’s not always the good thing you think it is.
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”
Is it?
It’s fine can, yes, mean it’s fine. But when you’re saying it regularly, and pushing aside what isn’t fine to be replaced with what you’re trying to convince someone is fine, we have to talk.
Narcissists are very good at pushing and pushing for an answer, and making a big deal out of nothing. They see where a problem might exist, and they want to try to create it using your annoyance or reaction.
“Come on, what’s wrong?” “You look annoyed.”
They want you to be, so you kick off and start yelling the house down.
You instead, know the consequences of that from the last time your patience was cornered, so now you smile through gritted teeth and exhausted eyes.
“I’m fine, don’t worry about it.”
The narcissist knows whatever it is is eating away at you inside, but they get satisfaction from knowing that and watching you suffer as much as they do from you yelling and crying.
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“Let’s just forget about it, okay?”
Forget about what you wanted to do that afternoon that the narcissist was dragging their heels over. Forget using your day off together to go for a nice walk because the narcissist is complaining about a pain in their foot. Forget wanting to have an actual conversation with the narcissist because you’ve got things on your mind.
You don’t want the hassle that comes with these things, and so you push it all away and act as though they don’t matter.
Except they do, and you know it.
The pain of forcing yourself to not be important over the course of your relationship with the narcissist proves to them that you’re able to be controlled via however they please.
You’d sooner not have to apply your energy into one simple, small thing you’d like due to the fact that the narcissist will never make you forget about how controlling you are.
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We know that isn’t true though, don’t we?
“I can see you’re stressed, so let’s leave it.”
Any stressed narcissist is a narcissist who is already creating a plan to make you three times more stressed than they are.
If you’re the cause of that stress, even by innocently being you, the narcissist will make you their next game.
I see this in clients a lot, many of whom stay as small as they can so as not to cause any more tension than there already is.
One says, “Every time I asked him about going on a vacation, he would start tutting and sighing and complaining that we don’t have the money for it. When I wasn’t asking, he was coming home with new watches, shoes, shirts, TVs for the house; anything he could spend big on.”
The sad reality here is that a narcissist won’t do whatever they don’t want to do, and they will regularly do whatever they please.
If your goals or wishes or requests are being pushed aside, you have to ask yourself how much you really mean to them at all.
“I’ll do it myself.”
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You bothered the narcissist, didn’t you?
You asked them to do something, or help you with a task that you know needs doing.
They looked at you and rolled their eyes, because there’s never a convenient time to put over what you’d like or need from them.
“Why are you asking me now?” “It’s my day off.” “Can’t I relax for more than five minutes?” “How do you not know how to do it yourself?”
You think for a moment, and realize that you didn’t need to bother them at all, and so you move forward and try to be independent yourself.
It’s the same when the narcissist makes unreasonable requests, expecting you to do everything for them. They’re using you as some kind of donkey, waiting to see how much you can take on before you buckle, then they can blame you for being weak and pathetic.
It’s no game here, and I think it stands to reason that you’re dealing with someone who clearly enjoys being abusive.
“I didn’t mean it that way. Sorry.”
What way did you mean it? Did you mean it the way you said it, but the narcissist, yet again, has taken it all the wrong way?
I’d say so, wouldn’t you?
You can never say anything the right way around these people. You’re too aggressive. You’re too needy.
You’re old. You’re overly-excited, you’re annoying. It’ll all be wrong to them, and so you say you’re sorry, over and over again.
Next time, you go in to talk in a way you think sounds far better, but that’s wrong, too.
So what do you do?
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You keep justifying yourself to a person who seems to never step a foot out of line or make a mistake, and you do what you can to ease the tension in that moment.
It’s all you’ve got in terms of keeping the relationship afloat, but you’re forgetting that it isn’t one person’s job to make everything happy and cheery all the time.
Relationships have two people in them, and both of those people should be making a concerted effort.
“I don’t want to argue with you. You’re right.”
The last thing you want, and so you hold your hands up and surrender to the pressure you’re feeling to raise your voice or start getting into the next argument.
You’ve been there before, and you know what it’s like, and the narcissist loves the drama, so they will never back down.
You just tell them they’re right for a peaceful life, but you know they aren’t.
This is a relationship imbalance that sadly many people who are in a relationship has to go through.
They’re with someone so egotistical and entitled that they don’t stand a chance to ever be right, because it involves taking that perfection away from someone who relies on being perfect.
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“It’s not worth falling out over.”
Of course it isn’t.
A couple can’t possibly have a healthy disagreement, according to a narcissist. Each fallout has to come with reminders as to why you never seem to want to get along, or all the terrible things you’ve done in the past.
You’d rather kill the fight before it has a chance to take off, because you don’t have the energy for receiving the silent treatment for the next two weeks.
And that is the sad reality, isn’t it?
