The time comes, and the narcissist and you become history. You knew the narcissist would turn against you. You inevitably knew their toxic side would ooze out of them because it's what these kinds of people do.
You weren't ready though, for everyone you're related to, to do the same. Your entire family steps into the ring, not to support you, but to support them.
You've never felt more alone, and never felt more mistreated.
We need to talk about this more.
1Your own family? There has to be a good reason, right?
Why? For those who suffer this huge, unprecedented loss, I'm asked why nearly every week by at least a dozen followers.
It's hard to even begin to wrap your head around something this painful because you assume your family is always going to be there for you, through thick and thin.
In truth, the narcissist got in there first. I know it sounds so simple, but this really is a matter of speed.
You're processing all that abuse, wondering how you managed to tolerate it all these years. You try to make sense of what happened, and the narcissist was getting busy working the entire room that was watching:
Your family.
Those coffees started; taking your family out for catch ups, sending their most casual texts to see how they are. All throughout this, little seeds of doubt were being constantly planted:
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- "I am so worried about them."
- "They've changed so much over the years."
- "I don't know what else I can do; I've tried everything I can."
You thought your family loved you, and they do. They've just been caught up in this crossfire, and are collectively being manipulated by this person who is just so good at it.
The narcissist is also very good at faking concern, and when they see a chance to swoop in and fake something just to look like the good guy, nothing is going to hold them back.
2The family were sold a version of you that the narcissist created
You try to meet with various family members, but by the time you do that, it's already too late.
You see, they will have been approached by the narcissist and sold this version of you that they want to exist so badly. It's a version of you that the narcissist has been working on for quite some time, potentially even years.
See also5 Passive Aggressive Tactics Narcissists Use That You'd Never Recognize As Abuse
Scary as it sounds, it's all been going on behind the scenes, and it will be that you are:
- Difficult, sometimes even outright impossible to be and live with.
- Dramatic. You love a fight, you always like to get your own way, and you will argue and yell and scream until you get it.
- Always the victim. The narcissist has to stop their day regularly just to listen to you speak about how unfair life currently is for you.
- Impossible to find compromise with. You always want your own way, and aren't willing to give anything up.
- Needy. Constantly needy.
You then show up, tears streaming down your face, at your family's front door. You are barely holding it together, and you feel as though you can barely put one foot in front of the other.
The problem is, you look just like the person the narcissist sold you to be. You fit the bill.
You tick the boxes. You are single-handedly proving that you meet all the criteria the narcissist spoke about you.
Without even knowing there was a story, you played the main character.
3Things get silent, and that's the kind of pain that continuously hurts
Picking a side doesn't have to be quite so obvious. There are many subtle layers to deciding who is right, and backing them all the way, and it can be just as painful to have your own family go silent on you as much as it is that they vocalise their preference loudly.
This means you might experience a family who stops calling or texting. The answers they give you are vague, and a long list of excuses as to why they can't see you, or come to things you've invited them to is shown to you.
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The answers they give you are so vague, and they almost seem like they don't want to give those to you as much as they don't want to talk to you at all.
It speaks volumes, doesn't it? It's a silence that has its own verdict, without actually being a verdict aloud.
Your family has chosen a side, and they are sticking by their decision.
I feel like the loneliness behind this feeling is rarely, if at all discussed. It's like grieving for someone who is still alive, only you're doing that to your entire family.
That's a big thing for anyone to have to deal with, and you often have to face it almost entirely by yourself. Only this means you are more likely to be healing alone as your family doesn't want to know.
4I need you to know the effect it can have on you
First thing's first, it is a huge way for the narcissist to indirectly gaslight you.
You'll be questioning your own memory, thinking to yourself, "If literally everyone else thinks I am this, then maybe I am this."
Big mistake. Don't fall into that trap, because it's so hard to get out.
You're also not too sensitive. The narcissist wasn't right about you all along, either.
You have to start seeing it for what it is; a pack of lies sold to people to get them onside and nothing more.
None of this is a coincidence. The whole point of sneaking into your entire family's minds is because the narcissist wants a particular outcome. They want to be able to see all your loved ones reflect the narcissist's version of you right back to them, and they won't stop until they've successfully done that.
The worst part is how much you now no longer need the narcissist in the room with you to feel terrible and doubt yourself, because the family has sneakily been hired to do it for them.
See alsoYou’re a Walking Legend When the Narcissist, Their Flying Monkeys and Their Mother All Block You
While they may not realize it; I need you to.
5Not all of your family will allude to the truth
Eventually, some will. It's all a matter of statistics here; you will never get everyone back on board.
Your brother or sister might come back round, but that aunt? Forget it.
She is siding with the narcissist because she doesn't remember you accurately, and thinks the narcissist can't possibly have made it all up.
Other family members will notice and quietly apologize for ever doubting you. They'll spot enough consistency especially over time to know that something isn't right, and you'll be approached sullenly as they're almost embarrassed.
Some will believe whatever is easiest to believe, because they don't want to admit they've got it all wrong.
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They hate to think they abandoned you in your darkest hour, so they stick by what they were sold.
At this point, you're allowed to grieve those people because they likely will never return to you the way they were there before all this mess started.
You aren't crazy though. Please remember that you're dealing with a master manipulator who will stop at nothing to ruin your life any chance they get.
Feeling like you've lost everything is normal for someone who has lost so much.
Just promise me you'll never go back!
