Escaping narcissistic abuse is much easier than it sounds for some people who have spent a long time being coerced or forced to stay in a relationship that has broken them into a million pieces.
When you do manage to get out, it's rarely wonderful right away, and not before you experience these 9 painful things I don't think are warned about enough.
It's time to open up that topic, and show you that leaving is complex, and healing is just as much of a non-linear journey.
1You miss the person you hoped they'd become, without realizing you made that person up in your mind
I don't think there's any dodging this one, is there?
You have been through so much, and through all the yelling, ignoring, tears, sleepless nights, anxiety-inducing turns of the key in the lock, you just wanted them to be a good person.
You'd sit there, imagining this version of the narcissist who was kind, loyal, loving, and consistent. Someone who wanted you, and made you feel like you could achieve anything.
You didn't plan on living through the kind of abuse that stemmed from a charming personality to get you so hooked.
That person you had in your mind only existed there, and the harsh reality is, no matter how long you'd have stayed, the narcissist would have never fitted that role.
2You feel guilty when you start to enjoy your life without them interfering
It seems so crazy that a person can feel guilty about having fun or enjoying their lives, but when you've been punished for having a good mood, you'll understand where that guilt comes from.
The peace and quiet you experience when you're in a narcissistic relationship never happens very often, and it's always off the back of a drama that you have to take the time to recover from.
The peace, therefore, is only temporary, and you spend it regulating your nervous system again, which is still ready at any moment for the next round.
See also7 Strange Things Narcissists Do at Night
When you get the chance to enjoy life without something going wrong, it's inevitable that you'll feel bad for doing good things for yourself.
Your self-esteem and self-worth deserve it though.
3You find yourself rehearsing conversations
Rehearsing conversations comes from wanting to prepare for what you're going to say, but it also runs a little deeper than that, too.
You want a certain outcome, and sometimes the only way you got that was by having that pretend conversation in the first place. It gave your soul a little reassurance to know that you can say or do the right thing, and have the other person be respectful back.
Now that relationship is over, this habit remains, and that's because you still feel stuck trying to say or do whatever you can to make life, and your relationship, easy.
See alsoNobody Warns You What Happens When You Divorce A Narcissist
4You struggle to trust moments you're happy because they're usually cut short with more abuse
Peace, but only for a little while. When the narcissist was in a good mood, you were expected to meet their mood and join in otherwise they'll accuse you of having something wrong with you.
"What's with you?" "Come on, it won't hurt to smile."
If only you could, right? The problem is, unlike the narcissist, your moods aren't a switch. You know that you're going to pay for your happiness later on in the day, and you'd rather just keep your joy to a minimum so you don't have as far to drop when that time comes.
5You grieve the years you spent trying to earn their approval and a place in their life
Grief is not just reserved for the dead, it's reserved for anything you've lost that you can't get back.
Years off your life is included in this painful part of ending a relationship with the narcissist. While you're happy and relieved to be moving on, you cannot do that without acknowledging all the time you spent trying to earn their approval.
If they could just see what a good person you are… but no.
It never happened.
See also 8 Creepy Bedtime Habits That Only a Narcissist Would Have
That's a lot to process.
6You can't adjust to kindness without a catch
Someone is being nice… what do they want?!
Maybe it's nothing. Maybe they're being nice because it's who they are, and not to catch you out in some way, or trick you into thinking they're good when they're not.
Not everyone is charming for the sake of being fake. Not everyone wants to manipulate you, and it's painful to doubt and judge innocent people.
The thing is, it's not easy to just let anyone in again, is it? Not after what you've been through.
You suspect everyone is out to hurt you. In turn, that's a lonely place to be.
7You feel sad when you realize just how much energy surviving the relationship took from you
Energy is finite; eventually it runs out if you don't preserve some of it, or do things that recharge it in your body and mind.
You run circles trying to just survive, and I know how difficult that can be when you're getting nowhere fast.
It's only when you feel totally drained of everything that you realize where all that energy went to:
The narcissist.
And for what?
Nothing.
See also10 Things The Narcissist Does After You Leave That Nobody Warns You About
8You become hyper-aware of everyone else's moods even if those moods have nothing to do with you
What's going on around you? You look because you don't want to miss an opportunity to say sorry if you need to, even if you aren't involved or accused.
Bad moods get caught thick and fast, good moods are overwhelming. Excitement feels like nervousness, jealousy feels familiar.
The point is, you're keeping score. You want to know what's going on, and even though you're away from that toxic abuse, you still feel responsible for the people around you, wherever you may be.
Sadly, this is common, and it hurts that you aren't able to just switch off and let things be.
Not everything is your fault, and it isn't your responsibility to fix whatever is happening within your immediate vicinity.
9You sometimes feel even more lost after the relationship than you did during it
Feeling lost is not unusual, you probably felt an essence of that while you were in the relationship.
Now you're out, it's as if you've got to forge your own way in the world, and you don't quite know how to do that without turning to someone for reassurance or validation.
See also5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their House
You were taught that you couldn't do anything by yourself. You were made to be more dependent on the narcissist than ever before, even though when you met them, independence was your middle name.
You aren't alone, and you aren't going mad.
The reason why you feel even more lost is because you can still hear the narcissist's voice in your mind:
"You'll be nothing without me." "I'd love to see you try and cope alone." "You have no idea how the real world works."
Suddenly you're in that real world, but you are not crumbling in it the way you've been programmed to think you are.
