You may think it's over every time you have that 'last' argument, but then you see the narcissist reappear again and again. They never really seem to let go, with little texts cropping up, or showing up at your door with a face you can't say no to.
You want to know why they can't stop, and they will tell you they don't want to lose you. One thing; that's all it takes.
One thing to stop them from coming back to you, and I want you to know what it is so you can finally wave them goodbye.
And I mean really goodbye. Not the kind where you block them Monday and unblock them by Friday because a soft memory crept in. Actual, permanent goodbye.
Only then will they really stop.
1 This has nothing to do with love, even though you want it to have everything to do with it
The narcissist comes knocking at your door, and it's easy to think and assume this means they love you. You think, "Wow, you finally get it. You're finally showing up for this relationship."
These thoughts are heavily tied in with their persuasiveness; they are very good at convincing you that they love you, without showing you. This is one occasion of many where words and actions need to align, and with narcissists, they never do.
So while you're there feeling like you've been missed and thought of, the narcissist is watching you and seeing how you're falling for their latest trick.
And they're almost amused by it, in a quiet way. Like they knew all along you'd open the door if they knocked long enough. Sound familiar?
It's not different this time. It's not that they changed and they want you to know that they think you're the only person to get them. Instead, the narcissist is missing what you offer. They miss what you give them; and that is this:
Attention. Your reaction. A sense of control. Your tears. Your pain. Your anxiety.
Handing them all of this is like gold to them; but when that dries up, you're in for a world of real confusion because they will fight for you to come back. It's easy to want to slip back into the old dynamics, but I ask of you; please don't.
2 This is why the narcissist keeps coming back
Every narcissist on the planet runs on the supply they get from their victims. When that supply is filled right up to the brim, they will show how confident they are. The charm will be there, and it will be real.
They won't be bothered by anything, but when that supply runs dry, you're going to be faced with a very different version of that narcissist. The panic. Where did the supply go? Why aren't they able to get any?
The main cause of that can only come from you pulling back and retreating from their game, and in doing that, you're telling them that you're not interested in being a part of this cycle any longer.
Where you were once the charger to their ego, you've now powered down and refused to give the narcissist anything they want, and trust me, that will be a pain they didn't expect.
I had a client tell me her ex showed up sobbing on her porch after months of silence, saying, "I don't know who I am without you." That's the panic talking.
Even if the relationship ended badly, the narcissist will still chance coming back to you because they've known over the years that you've been there to give them that supply which is now absent.
Knowing this still makes them want to try, because in the past you've given up and let them back in again. This will feel like exactly that for them now, but that difference has to come from you and how you treat their return.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseDo you want to keep doing the same thing over and over again, or do you want to give them the one thing that finally makes them give up and stop coming back to you?
3 Every time you'll hear this…
After all I've done for you. This is how you repay me. I'm not doing well. I just wanted to hear your voice. It's a hook only the narcissist knows how to work, and it'll be the bait they hope pulls you back in.
There's nothing honest in these phrases; they're just ways to make you feel bad, and feel as though you didn't appreciate the narcissist in any way while they were around. At times, there will be a fake emergency to get you to show up and be with them.
They know that you'll be there if they try anything that will create that hook, and they know you well by now.
I had a client whose ex faked a hospital visit, complete with a blurry photo of a wristband. She drove two hours. He was at a bar.
This is your time, and I mean that. It's your time to prove to yourself that you can overcome this cycle and really break free, because if you don't, these hooks will never leave your life.
You'll be forever dragged into their next round of abuse and manipulation, and you should want more for yourself at this point. Use this time to understand that giving them nothing eventually leads to nothing. As hard as that may be to break, it starts with you.
It starts with the idea that you're simply not going to respond to their pleas, and instead of giving them the satisfaction of returning after they've done their usual, you do something that makes them really panic…
…And never return.
4 How do you stop?
Unresponsiveness. That's all there is to it. This has to be something you want, and something you're ready to implement. Unresponsiveness means exactly what it says on the tin; you refuse to come back to a person or respond in a way that ignites the next round of toxic games.
The hooks mean nothing to you, and I don't just mean ignoring them once, before going back.
I mean this has to be permanent, and you have to be ready to let go of everything that stands with it, from the moods to the arguments, from the conflict to the tears.
You become a person the narcissist cannot move, even if they're standing around you, goading you to take that step back to them. When you stop your reactions and explanations, you stop engaging in the toxicity.
This is a little bit like stepping away from someone who is sick so you don't catch it. The virus will have no new host if you aren't there, and it's the same with narcissism. Nobody says you have to be cold, or cruel.
This is about learning that your reactions have consequences that never benefit you. Be still; break that cycle. This is something long overdue if you're at this point.
No shouting, no big speech, no dramatic goodbye letter. Just a quiet, steady nothing. That silence does more work than any argument you could ever craft.
5 Letting you into a secret: The hardest part
Before the narcissist walks away, they will let you know of their disapproval of your indifference by kicking up a bit of a narcissistic stink. What I mean by this is that I want you to expect the following:
More drama. Showing up in places they know you'll be. More messages or calls to you. Using people to try to contact you. Love-bombing you. This isn't a sign that their love for you is growing stronger; it's sheer panic. They know you're leaving, and they know you're finally done.
So the volume goes up. The gestures get bigger. It looks like devotion, but really it's them scrambling to keep their grip before you fully slip away.
This is the point you have to see it through, because if you so much as slightly go back, you're starting it all over again. Do not do this!
6 What if they show up looking genuinely sorry?
Oh, this one. This is the moment your resolve gets tested like nothing else.
They turn up softer than you've ever seen them. Quiet voice. Eyes a bit red. "I've been thinking a lot about how I treated you, and I know I have work to do." Maybe they mention therapy.
Maybe they name a specific thing they did, which they've never done before, and it throws you completely.
And you stand there thinking, is this it? Have they actually changed?
Here's what I want you to remember. A narcissist studying what you need is not the same as a narcissist becoming what you need. They've watched you long enough to know the exact tone that would crack you open.
The sorry they show up with is a costume, tailored to your specific weak spot.
Real change is slow, boring, and doesn't require an audience. It doesn't come knocking at 9pm with tears and a rehearsed speech. It shows in a life you're no longer part of.
If the apology is a performance for you, it isn't change. It's the next hook.
7 The friends and family they'll send in their place
Oh, this one catches people off guard. You've done all the hard work of going no contact, and suddenly your phone lights up with a message from their sister. Or their mum. Or that mutual friend you always sort of liked.
See also The Narcissist Gets Sick on Day Two of Your Vacation, and It's Never Random"Hey, I know it's been a while, but they're really not doing well. I just thought you should know."
These are flying monkeys, and they're being sent in for a reason. The narcissist can't get to you directly, so they're using the people who still have a line to you. Sometimes those people know exactly what they're doing.
Sometimes they've been fed a sob story and genuinely think they're helping.
Either way, the message is the same. Guilt you. Soften you. Get one little crack in the door.
You don't owe any of them a response. You don't have to explain, defend, or update anyone on your healing. A polite "I'm not discussing this" is a full sentence. And if they push? Silence is also a full sentence.
