A narcissist will infamously accuse you of anything and everything, but this is where I want you to start reading between the lines. Whatever they accuse, they're ultimately confessing.
It's like you're holding a mirror up to them and showing them all the ways they are, that they want you to believe is your fault. It's time to put a stop to that, and show you all the things they accuse you of, that proves they're hiding something.
Think of it as a confession dressed up as an attack. Every finger they point at you is really pointing straight back at themselves, quietly.
What those things are, will be of great interest to you.
1 So, you're the liar?!
I know, right? What a way to open this show up today for you; telling you something that you probably are shocked to hear. If you've been in the relationship long enough, maybe you genuinely believe you are a liar, as that's what you'll have been taught over time.
Why do you always twist things? I see you, and I don't like what I see. You miss out whole chunks of stories or memories to suit you.
You're there, replaying every single time you had a conversation in your mind, and you try to figure out where it was you went wrong. It's not that easy though, is it?
While you're doing that, the narcissist is busy getting to work to edit the stories, fabricate more lies, and exaggerate to make themselves look good. Let's not leave out the part where they leave out details!
All they wanted was to protect themselves, and that means all along, they knew you weren't lying. They were.
I had a client tell me once she started keeping a notebook of her own conversations, just to feel sane. Turned out he was the one editing every single memory.
2 "You are hiding things from me, and you know it."
I find this to be somewhat of a classic, I mean, imagine a narcissist telling you that you're hiding things from them when evidently, they couldn't be further from the truth. They pick up your phone to go through it because they're convinced you're keeping secrets.
It isn't beyond them to want to know exactly what you're doing, when you're doing it, why, and who with. Why were you so long at the grocery store?! Why did you go to the gym again? Why did it take you so long to reply to my text?
You're honest, right? You go in with the truth, and you open up, after all, you've got nothing to hide, so what's the problem? You hold that phone out, you explain your reasons calmly, and you give everything you know to the narcissist. That doesn't stop them, though.
They continue to push and push at you, and that's usually because the bigger the fire they create with you, the less likely you are to notice the one they started long ago that they're trying to hide with yours.
Each time any narcissist accuses you, they're really admitting something they did themselves. It's time here then, to ask yourself what they did, rather than what you did.
Nine times out of ten, when they're digging that hard through your phone, it's because they already know what they'd find on theirs.
3 Accusing you of being controlling
YOU?! Really?! Yes, sadly. All narcissists will try to frame you as the overly controlling one because they're keen to make you look like the bad guy. If that is a success, it means the reality, they are the bad guy, will be ignored.
You have spent the entirety of the relationship trying to be whatever the narcissist wanted or needed you to be. You walked on eggshells, and you made yourself so small you could have been a dot. For what? For them to lie about you to everyone you both know.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseTrust me, for victims, nothing could be more insulting and painful than having to deal with that fallout, yet that doesn't stop the average narcissist:
You're such a controlling person! You always need everything going your way! They have to control you, by telling you that you're controlling. It's the most ridiculous thing, right?
The worst type of reverse psychology, yet they're just so good at doing it and making their victims feel as though they're the problem. You were the one who stopped seeing friends because every time you did, it would cause the next argument.
You even changed what clothes you wore because you didn't want to kick up a stink when the narcissist inevitably had a problem with them. What you choose to eat, the way you laugh; anything and everything. Every time you're accused, there's this bright spotlight shining in your face.
That spotlight is to distract you from seeing everything the narcissist does wrong.
Ask yourself who actually chose the friends, the schedule, the tone of every dinner. If you strip it back, you were the one being managed the whole time.
4 Cheating? You? That's what the narcissist will have you believe
I know what you're doing. You're talking to someone else, I can feel it. I see the way you jump when your phone goes off. What are you hiding? Something has to be going on. You're hiding nothing, but I'll tell you this for free:
The narcissist is definitely hiding something! Accusing you of the very thing they do is typical of these people, and cheating is no exception.
They may tell you they love you and think the world of you, but if they're treating you like crap every day, you can be sure they're lying about that, too. Doing this to you means you're constantly defending yourself, while they get away with everything.
Their obsession with your unfaithfulness could be laughable to you if it weren't so cruel. If this happens, I'll advise you to watch them closely, because all is certainly not as it seems.
The louder the accusations get, the more I'd start paying attention to their calendar, their phone, their sudden late nights. Guilty people love a loud distraction.
5 You're manipulative, and they're 'perfect'
What is it with these people who think they can do no wrong? It drives me wild to think narcissists are out there, making you believe that you're manipulative, when in fact it's them who are out there playing games and being sneaky to the point where it's actually evil.
If you don't want your whole entire life's history rewritten to suit their narrative, then I'd heavily suggest steering clear of all narcissists, because that's exactly what they will do.
It's insane to think they're telling you that you are a problem, when every single trick they've accused you of, they're doing it themselves day after day, without anyone holding them accountable for any of it. The playbook is right there, wide open.
That's what you start to eventually see (I hope!), but for a long time, it will go unnoticed because they're so good at being bad.
I had someone tell me her ex called her a puppeteer while he was secretly coordinating stories with her own sister. You can't make this stuff up.
6 Where you come in, and what you can do about it
The way you listen needs to change, and that's where I want to start with what you can do about being falsely accused of anything. Don't listen to react. Don't listen to believe the narcissist. Don't listen to defend yourself. Listen to read the narcissist.
You want to hear what they're saying, how they're saying it, because you want to divert your attention to the undertone of everything. The narcissist is giving you information each time they accuse you.
If you can build up enough of what they say, you will start to see patterns forming that you have been missing up until that point. The problem was never what they described you to be, it was that they described you incorrectly at all.
They know exactly what they're doing.
So write it down. Every accusation, every phrase, every weird little jab. Patterns show up on paper in a way they never quite do inside your head.
7 The projection nobody warns you about: playing the victim
You've done something wrong, and suddenly they're the ones crying. They're the ones telling everyone how badly you've treated them, how they've tried so hard, how they're just exhausted from carrying the whole relationship on their back.
Meanwhile, you're standing there, wondering how the person who caused the harm has become the one asking for sympathy. This is projection at its slipperiest.
When a narcissist plays the victim, what they're really admitting is that they know full well who the actual victim is, and they're terrified of anyone else clocking it. So they get there first. They rewrite the whole thing before you've even had a chance to speak.
They'll cry to your family. They'll post something vague online about being mistreated. They'll tell the neighbours you've changed. And every ounce of pity they collect is pity that was owed to you.
If someone spends that much energy convincing the world they're the wounded party, ask yourself why they need it so badly. Real victims rarely have the strength to campaign.
8 'You're crazy!' Yeah, right
Of all the accusations, this one might sting the most, because it goes right for your grip on reality. You express a feeling, you push back on something they said, you ask a reasonable question, and suddenly you're unhinged. Unstable. Losing it. Overreacting.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsThe word "crazy" gets thrown around so often that you start to wonder if maybe, just maybe, they've got a point.
They don't. What's really going on is much simpler. The narcissist knows their behaviour would look completely unreasonable to anyone watching from the outside. So they get in first. If they can label you as the irrational one, then anything you say about them can be dismissed before it lands.
Clever, in a horrible way.
And notice who's actually behaving erratically. The rages over nothing. The mood that flips mid sentence. The obsessive checking of your phone at 2am. That's not you. That's them describing their own inner weather and slapping your name on it.
You were never the crazy one. You were the one paying attention.
