One of the biggest fights in your relationship has just happened. Your chest feels heavy from the raised voices, and everything that was said that will never be able to be taken back.
There were tears, and you were shaking. As you look over at the narcissist, you see them as still as a statue. There's nothing, and you think maybe, just maybe, it's peace.
I'm here to tell you that it isn't.
It's a real message for you that you need to listen to, and fast.
1 Feel the atmosphere and sense that it isn't a normal kind of calm
How can anything be calm after such a huge fight? It's impossible, and to be lured into thinking it is, is the first mistake I think a lot of victims of narcissistic abuse make.
I want you to think about something for me just for a moment. I want you to tell me if there is a difference between a person who has genuinely processed something, and somebody who has totally switched off.
There has to be a difference, right? Right there is where you should be able to take what you know, and feel it in the room of someone you've just had that fight with.
Healthy calm doesn't feel like someone who has switched off. Healthy calm looks like someone who is exhausted, maybe somewhat sad, or someone who is trying to figure out and process what the heck just happened.
There are layers, right? Those layers are essential to differentiate.
A narcissist has a glassy look about them; they don't want to be bothered by what just happened, in fact, now it's over, they even look a little bored.
That's where you need to be for a while, right there noticing that in all its ugliness. This response is the kind of atmosphere that should lead you to some telling truths.
2 The narcissist is hoping you feel insane
Arguments aren't pretty, and a lot of the time I'd imagine someone in the relationship will cry, being upset at the level of chaos they just had to go through. If that were you, I'd hazard a guess that you probably wanted to tell the narcissist how much they hurt you.
You were raw and real, because that's the only thing you had left in that moment to try to gain some kind of understanding. But guess what?
The narcissist is sitting across from you with their arms folded, and they're rolling their eyes.
Why are you being so dramatic? I don't get why you do this. What is it that you want me to say exactly?
Perhaps it's worse; perhaps they're saying nothing at all.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe blank stare lets you know that they don't care about you, or the fight, or making it better. That's where you start to question yourself a little more deeply:
Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the problem. Am I overreacting? Was the fight really that terrible? I think I'm just being very sensitive. I'm making a big deal of nothing.
Stop right there.
This is what the narcissist was hoping for, and in doing this, you've fallen directly into their trap of believing you were the problem, or that the argument was no big deal.
Don't be fooled into normalizing conflict as a part of your everyday life because that's not how it's supposed to work.
3 That eerie silence is a power play
As all silences are with narcissists, only this one is eerie because it comes right after the biggest storm of your entire month. When a narcissist goes silent like this after an argument, you need to understand where it's all really coming from.
There is a power play at hand, and a narcissist is always going to look for opportunities to make sure they exert theirs over you.
Whenever someone who is living with a narcissist shows any form of emotion such as during times like this, they're immediately accused of being irrational by the narcissist. It's no joke: they truly want you to believe they were the calm one, and therefore they have to be the reasonable one.
What does that mean for you? Well, that makes you the problem, and that's the story the narcissist won't hesitate in writing over and over again by using their silence as a weapon against you.
Please, please don't mistake their silence for inner peace. They aren't reflecting or giving you both space to process what happened; they're continuing their battle for power.
They want it to seem as though the fight is below them, the same as you will be perceived to be.
What does that mean for you?
It means your pain is also way below what they want to pay any attention to.
That's the saddest part of all.
4 The narcissist is really feeling this
They're threatened by whatever it was you wanted to talk about, and that's the truth here.
In a moment where you held your ground and spoke up, the narcissist sees that you refused to back down. The narcissist doesn't want to be seen as the problem, and so they challenge your strength to something they're able to manipulate.
The satisfaction of knowing that your request landed will not be granted, which is why often the narcissist will throw it back in your face like it means nothing to them. After all, if the narcissist reacts with yelling and screaming, then that gives you the power, right?
They don't want that.
They want you to suffer, and so, silence it is. That's exactly where they would rather sit than have you be the one in charge, and really, it's all they have.
The narcissist will wear that level of calm as if it's their armor they wear all the time. They want you to spin from it, and they then get to walk away like they're the only sane adult in the house.
You don't have to tell me how unfair this is, because I already know.
5 There is no such thing as overreacting
I want you to really believe this because it's the truth:
You are not overreacting.
In fact, I'd go as far to say that if the silence of a narcissist is making you more uncomfortable than the argument itself, then what is that trying to tell you? This is all information that you really should process before you assume it's just another time you jumped in when you should've stayed quiet.
That feeling in your chest? In the pit of your stomach? It's there for a reason, and it's trying to tell you something.
See also THIS is What Makes NarcissistsStart listening.
A person who really loves you won't hurt you and then go quiet right afterward. They won't want to sit in that feeling, and make you feel the way you do. Instead, they'll be doing everything they can to make the situation better.
They will want to understand you.
Here you are, with a narcissist; a person who feels nothing and blames you for everything.
The calm they're trying to throw on you was never about them being okay, it was about making sure that you're as far away from okay as possible.
