Nobody is allowed to be as smart, or smarter, than a narcissist. It's in their warped rulebook that you have to be dumb, or fit the role of someone stupid.
Once you figure that out, you'll see all the crazy ways they can make you feel stupid when they know for a fact that you're smarter than them. They know you know, and that's the worst part about it all.
That's what really eats at them. Not the fact that you're smarter, but the fact that you've noticed, and they can't unring that bell.
I've got a feeling that none of this will surprise you.
Relax? The narcissist? Forget it!
I think this is actually one of the most hilarious aspects of a narcissist. First off, we're talking about people who think they're really clever. Nobody can come close to the level of intelligence they think they have, and convince everyone else they have.
The truth is, they get so infuriated when they are around truly intelligent people. It's as if they're in a swimming pool and they can't swim, but instead of admitting they can swim, they drift farther and farther into deeper waters, all the while with that sickly, painted smile on.
They don't relax, but instead of just holding their hands up and speaking up about that discomfort, they try to make you feel stupid.
Yes, you read that correctly, they project their discomfort and idiocy onto people who are smart because it's the only way they can cope in these circumstances. Think about it; if you are smart, it won't take much to see through the narcissist. You become their biggest threat.
You are someone who, at any moment, will say, "Hold on, don't you think you're being a little bit unkind/cruel/crazy?" They won't hesitate to point out your inconsistencies because then they can tear you down and keep the image they've built standing.
I had a client tell me her ex would jump in mid sentence with, "Well, actually," every time she spoke at dinner. Every single time. In front of everyone.
Confusion incoming!
You think you're so smart, don't you?! Always spoken right off the bat after the smaller comments are made but fail to land. This is narcissists all over; they love to hate everything about you so obviously.
The reason a narcissist will argue with you like this and contest you is because they know you're smart, and they want you to doubt yourself over and over.
I had a client tell me her ex would say, "Wow, look at you using big words again," every time she made a good point. Every single time.
It works, and more often than you think it does. They don't have a point to make, and that's very clear, but instead of admitting that, the narcissist will continue to push until they've made you feel bad about yourself.
When you stand your ground, you terrify them, and I mean that genuinely. The only move they have left in this game is to confuse you, so that's what they reach for. Their ego knows no other way to cope other than to drag you down.
The smarter you are, the louder the narcissist will be
Your intelligence is natural, isn't it? It's part of you that nobody can take away, and only you worked hard to gain. You don't take it for granted, nor do you show off about it, but being smart is who you are.
That smartness is where the narcissistic abuse you've encountered creeps in, too. You use what you know to work out exactly who the narcissist is, and the kind of person you allowed yourself to initially trust.
It's not your fault that you did this; after all, the narcissist is very good at pretending. When your intelligence shows up in everyday life and conversation, the narcissist will try everything they can to match and meet you there.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseIt's pretty embarrassing if I can be honest, but the narcissist is so deliberate in how they act. They want to be smarter than you, so they treat your intelligence like it's your immigration.
When you speak up and join the dots of their abuse campaign against you, the narcissist will deny, deny, deny.
You'll hear the classic, "I never said that," or, "You're twisting my words again." It doesn't matter what actually happened. Their version has to win.
They use gaslighting on everyone else to make you look crazy, and they want to produce a version of events that's foolproof. If they can confuse, they can control, and that's exactly what happens here.
Suddenly, your natural flair for figuring out who they are gets swept aside and replaced with their own, and if they can start to even make you doubt yourself slightly, they know they've won.
Quite honestly, it's a dangerous game they love to play, and it's always you who suffers as a result.
"You think you know it all"
Heard it all before! A narcissist who knows you know it all wants you to think you think you know it all! What a mouthful, but simply put; they want you to doubt your intellect. Why should the fact that you're smart be by default some kind of personality flaw?
That's not how it should be at all! You're capable, and you perceive things correctly and efficiently, but the narcissist wants it to be your problem; that there's something wrong with you. There isn't.
As usual, it'll be you who ends up overthinking that because that's how the narcissist gets people. If you see through a narcissist, if you really understand that they're toxic and cruel, you will hold a strength that no narcissist will be able to overcome or overthrow.
Handling that is impossible, and so they want to tell you that you're weak for having these crazy thoughts and ideas. In other words, "I hand your honesty back to you dressed up as insanity."
It's a clever little switch. You bring truth, they hand you back a diagnosis. And you sit there wondering if maybe, just maybe, they've got a point.
Over time, this looks like…
Every conversation you have over time becomes second-guessing yourself. You practice what you want to say because you doubt the natural rhythm of speech that you've built over the years.
You have ideas that you have to suddenly brace for, because you know they will be met with scrutiny or criticism. You haven't even managed to finish your sentence.
They cut in with, "Where are you even going with this?" and suddenly your point evaporates. You forget what you were saying. They love that little vanishing act.
Sadly, that means you can become small, and many victims do. You're sharp by character, and you've been proud of that all these years, but now? Now that sharpness is buried under many layers of self-doubt.
You were never meant to carry any of this in the first place, yet here you are. If you start to act quieter, and make less noise, the narcissist acts happy and backs off because they know you're creating less of a scene for yourself, and them.
Doesn't seem fair, does it? Nothing about narcissistic abuse is fair.
The problem was never you
Smart people like you are hated by the narcissist. You make for a hard target, and so a narcissist will treat you with even more toxic power than anybody else. They despise your intelligence.
Your sharpness is an issue the narcissist needs to figure out how to iron out, and I want you to know that through it all, it was never you who was paranoid or too sensitive. You certainly weren't too much.
You were just too bright for them to dim, and that speaks volumes.
Every single put down, every eye roll, every muttered "you think you're so clever" was them scrambling. Your mind was never the problem. Their ego was.
The next time the narcissist uses your smartness as a weapon to make you feel dumb or small, remember this moment. Remember the truth, because that is ultimately what will defeat them.
Watch Them Play Dumb On Purpose
You'd think a person who is desperate to look clever would never willingly appear clueless. Yet here they are, suddenly unable to work the washing machine, suddenly unable to remember how the bills get paid, suddenly unsure how to reply to that simple email.
Playing dumb is a tactic. It shifts the load onto you, and it lets them dodge anything they don't want to be held accountable for.
"Oh, I didn't know you meant tonight." "I thought you were going to sort that out." "You know I'm not good with that kind of thing."
It sounds harmless. It isn't. Every "I didn't know" is a tiny little way of dumping the mental load back on your plate while making you look like the nag for pointing it out.
And notice how the dumbness is selective. They can quote a football stat from 2011 without pausing, but they can't remember your mum's birthday. Convenient, isn't it? The brain works fine when it suits them.
That's not forgetfulness. That's strategy dressed up as helplessness.
The Audience Trick: Smarter in a Crowd
Ever noticed how they behave differently when other people are watching? Suddenly they're the expert. They'll wait until you're mid-sentence at dinner, then jump in with, "Well actually, what she means is..." and finish your thought for you. Badly. But finished, in front of everyone.
It's a trick. They use the crowd as cover. If they can look like the smart one in a group setting, they think it cancels out all the moments you outshone them in private. Nobody at the table saw those moments. They only see this one.
And they pick their audience carefully. People who don't know you well. Colleagues, distant relatives, that new couple from down the road. Strangers who won't question the version of events being served up.
You'll leave those evenings feeling small and not quite knowing why. That's the point. The performance was never about the topic. It was about repositioning themselves as the clever one before anyone got a chance to see otherwise.
Next time, watch their eyes. They're scanning the room, not looking at you.
