The mistake that screams out to victims of narcissistic abuse everywhere is the belief that leaving the narcissist is the hardest part of all. It's not. Through all the tears and back and forths, it seems like the place you've got to is the place you can start healing…
…Until the narcissist uses that one trick that loops you right back in, and it's a dirty trick they've been saving 'til last. When they know you've gone for good?
And by gone for good, I mean the kind of gone where you've deleted the number, changed the locks, and stopped rehearsing what you'd say if they called.
That's where that trick comes alive.
1 The narcissist thinks you'll never leave
Because a narcissist never thinks you're going to leave, they take it upon themselves to act very predictably when it comes to you. If they see you starting to itch about walking out the door, they'll pull out all the usual stops.
From love-bombing you, where you're taught that their affection or warmth is an invitation back into a happy relationship, to guilt tripping you for making the choice to go, the narcissist has it all.
They will try and try to do whatever it takes, because they know something will work, and you'll end up staying. You'll have seen these before, right as you feel as though you're drifting from them, the narcissist will use their magnetising way to lure you back into their orbit.
When you go for good, and you really mean it, everything starts to look different. It means you have no intention of returning, even if those same tricks are recycled and reused to gain your attention. They don't work any more, and you're as done as done can be.
Perhaps you predicted them in the first place, and that's what made you roll your eyes and promise to yourself, "Never again."
There's something you need to know, and that is this is right where the narcissist pulls out their dirtiest trick yet for you. They know their usual games won't do a thing, so what they've got left, the only thing they've got left, is full on nuclear attack.
Think of a cornered animal that has run out of clever moves. What's left isn't cleverness at all. It's teeth.
2 Right when you think you've found solid ground to stand on….
The narcissist wants to destabilize everything that you're standing on. Right as you think you've finally found that solid ground to stand on, they come along and blow it all up like it means nothing to them, because it really does mean nothing.
It happens in segments, and here's where I want you to pay attention.
Right off the bat, it feels like something new is going on, but underneath it all is someone who is trying to make you doubt every single decision that has led you to wanting to be gone for good. That courage you've built up? They want to dismantle it.
You'll hear:
Fine, but you're the one who is going to destroy the kids in doing this. I saw your brother this morning, and he thinks you're making the worst mistake in your life by leaving. I've been covering up your neediness and craziness for years.
Let's see how you cope on your own in the big, wide world. The narcissist wants to almost intimidate you into rethinking your decision, and they're using either people you know well as weapons, or painting a life where you fear life for you to see and not want.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseThe question is, do you want that solid ground to stay, or do you want it to be washed away with all these rude, cruel remarks? The choice is still yours.
Sound familiar? That sinking feeling when someone weaponises your own family against you, dressing it up as concern, is one of the most disorienting things a person can experience.
3 The threat, the dirty trick, it all happens now
You decided to leave anyway, and the narcissist knows their dirtiest trick of all is right around the corner. The mask they've been wearing to hide their true, toxic self doesn't just slip a little, it falls right off their face and to the ground in front of their feet.
Your deepest fear is about to be used as a weapon, and you have no idea it's coming, which is why I've used this topic to warn you.
The narcissist is well aware of your fears because over your course of time knowing them, you've trusted them with all your secrets and vulnerabilities. You shared them, thinking you could rely on the narcissist for support and loyalty, but really, they were taking notes all along.
Once upon a time, they will have been attentive and warm to you, but now comes the worst, dirtiest trick of all:
The threats. I'm talking about financial threats, threats to take the kids for full custody, and threatening to tell your boss everything they know about you.
Think of the worst things that would ignite panic into your life, and those are the things I want you to know the narcissist is capable of threatening you with.
The narcissist has no real intention of following through on any of it, but they do want to shake your world and make you think the only option is to stay and work it out, even though that's the last thing you want to do.
Someone said to me recently, "He told me he'd make sure I never saw my daughter again." She hadn't slept properly in weeks. That's the whole point of the threat.
4 Why now though?
This trick won't work if you're tempted to return, or are halfway back already. It's got to be saved for people who have promised to never return, because it's a last chance; a lifeline the narcissist thinks they have.
Earlier on between the two of you, the narcissist was hoping you'd be compliant. They wanted you nice and close, so if they blew up too soon, they knew the chances of you figuring out who they are were high.
They didn't want to take that risk, knowing they'd ruin their entire game plan. They held it in reserve. They didn't want it to be the one trick up their sleeve they had.
When that detachment with you becomes genuine and strong, the narcissist will know it's final enough to unleash this trick on you. What else do they have, after all?
The clock has run out, and they know they've only got this one last card to play, so they play it, and they play it well.
The timing isn't accidental either. They've watched you get stronger, quieter, less reactive, and they've been quietly cataloguing every fear you ever let slip in a soft moment.
5 You have the information, now you have to…
Well, the last thing I want you to do is panic. That's not your panic that's in the air, it's that of the narcissist. They panic because they are losing control of you; you're leaving, and this time, it's for good.
A person who is strong in your life isn't going to dig into your worst fears in order to keep you. They won't need to scare or intimidate you into staying because it would never get to that point.
Anybody healthy would graciously let a person go if their intent is to leave and not come back anyway. Right as you're closest to the door, the narcissist will do anything to call your bluff.
It's because they don't know what they'll do without the uses you bring to their table, this isn't about you and how much they love you. The only thing you can do is keep walking, and not get sucked in to another round of abuse and control.
You've gone through enough.
Keep walking. Not dramatically, not with a speech, not with one last conversation to explain yourself. Just keep walking, one boring step after another, until the noise behind you fades.
6 What the aftermath actually feels like
The first few days are strange. Quieter than you expected, but not in a peaceful way. Your body is still braced for the next hit that never comes, and honestly, part of you almost misses the adrenaline, which is a horrible thing to admit but there it is.
You'll cry at odd moments. Loading the dishwasher. Halfway through a sentence to a friend. And then you'll feel guilty for not crying more, or for crying too much, or for feeling relieved when you think you should feel shattered.
Sleep gets weird. You might sleep for ten hours straight and still feel like someone drained the battery. Or you'll be wide awake at 3am running through everything they said in that last threat, wondering if any of it was true.
The worst bit? Second guessing yourself. Was it really that bad? Did I make it worse in my head? That doubt is normal, and it's also the residue of years of gaslighting still working its way out of your system.
Give it time. Actual time, not the impatient kind.
7 The people who suddenly come out of the woodwork
Suddenly, there they are. Cousins you haven't heard from in years, an old friend of the narcissist who wants to "just check in," the mutual acquaintance who was never really your friend but now has a lot to say.
They message you, they call, they turn up at places you happen to be. Every single one of them has the same tone, and the same script, more or less.
"I heard what's going on and I just think you should hear him out." "He's in a really bad way, you know." "Nobody's saying you have to go back, but…"
This is the flying monkey stage, and it lands right when you thought the worst was over. The narcissist can't reach you directly any more, so they send others to do the reaching for them.
What you have to remember is that anybody willing to carry a message like that on someone else's behalf isn't looking out for you. They're looking out for the narcissist, whether they realise it or not. You don't owe them a response.
