When you met the narcissist and heard them talking about their ex, it was all you could do to just sit there and nod along. You smiled politely, and a part of you even felt a little sorry for them. My ex was impossible. My ex was needy.
My ex was impossible to please! They couldn't let anything just slide. You believed it all, but what message was the narcissist's ex trying to send you through the narcissist? You got a preview, that's for sure!
Every single word out of their mouth about the ex was basically a leaflet titled Coming Soon, and you were reading it over dinner thinking it was gossip.
1 A preview of both you, and the narcissist!
For starters, you hear:
She was so insecure. They were always accusing me of lying. He would constantly be checking up on me. What the narcissist means here is:
I was a liar. I was never consistent. I never gave them straight answers. They had every reason to doubt me. The person who came along before you and ended up being their ex figured it all out, and now here you are, going through it all yourself.
Then they say:
They were so needy. You think, "Wow, that's a shame." In reality, the narcissist is telling you that they emotionally starve the people they're with, and that you're next on their hit list.
The ex wasn't needy. She was probably just asking for basic things like a text back or a straight answer to a simple question.
She turned everyone against me. The narcissist here is trying to say, "I did a terrible thing, and everyone she knew believed her over my fake stories."
Right here, you're not only getting a preview of the ex, you're getting a preview of the narcissist and how they will end up treating you, too. It's no different, only this time, it's you lined up for all that pain.
2 "Oh my God, they were insane"
Really though? Come on. Every single narcissist has an ex who turned out to be crazy in some way, but what is the narcissist really saying when they admit to that?
It feels so cliche to me to hear that old line, knowing full well that's not even half the real story. She overreacted. She was dramatic. She couldn't handle the truth. She had issues. Did she?
Or did you make life difficult for her to the point where she felt like she had nothing left?
There's you, the new flame, sitting across the table thinking, "I'm nothing like this, and I will make sure I get nowhere near that kind of character." It won't matter who you are or what you're like, you'll be painted as whoever the narcissist wants you to be painted as.
There's no point in smiling and sympathizing and telling the narcissist you'll be different. You'll be more calm and patient, you'll be more understanding. The narcissist already knows what they're going to do with you, and you won't have a choice.
All the while you're up all hours thinking of ways you won't be the next villain in their story. I hate to say it, but that was the trap right there, and you've barely walked into their life.
The narcissist has got you right where they want you, and you're going to live out your entire relationship wondering how you're doing, if you're being kind enough, if you're giving the narcissist enough space.
See also 5 Creepy Things Every Narcissist Hides Somewhere in Their HouseTheir comparison to their ex has made you want to work harder for that peaceful relationship they seem to want. But they don't want peace. No narcissist wants peace.
A woman told me her partner described his ex as unhinged on their second date. Two years later, he was calling her the exact same word to her sister.
3 The ever-present pattern that still remains
A narcissist will leave a relationship before it inevitably gets recycled into another one that works out exactly the same as the last. The only difference is the people involved. Last time, it was his ex, this time, it's you.
You think it'll be different, you want to prove to the narcissist that good people exist, meanwhile they do nothing to prove they're good. They described an ex to you who went through all that love-bombing in the same way you did.
Then they went through all the gaslighting, and the criticism. They went from being happy in love to questioning their sanity and worth, all in the space of a few short months.
By then, they were in love and they wanted to do anything they could to make the relationship work. Before long, the pushback started, and the ex was probably looking for answers as to why they were constantly feeling as though they were walking on eggshells.
That's when the narcissist filed them under 'crazy' and walked away, looking for someone new and unsuspecting. All because the ex started to use their voice.
And now you came along; the fresh tart the narcissist was singing about wanting and needing, when really it was all about simply being a fresh source of supply. These patterns won't go away, just because the narcissist has moved onto you.
What they describe about their ex is literally what you're going to go through with them. Some day, you'll be the ex they're talking about to someone else they haven't even met yet.
Sound familiar? The script never changes, only the cast does. And the narcissist reads the same lines with the same conviction every single time, like it's opening night.
4 You started to notice the smallest of things
When you start to notice things is when the puzzle really feels as though it's coming together. They're small things at first, but then the ball really starts rolling.
One day, you ask the narcissist a question that they don't like, and it's as if you asked them the most insulting thing you could think of. They hate it. Another day, you might set a boundary they don't like and are used to not being there.
They react with horror, and you keep that boundary in place which riles them even more. You then no longer pretended to be happy just because it made the narcissist happy when you acted like nothing was wrong. You became a problem, in short.
I won't lie, narcissists hate people who are problems. You got to a point in their story where they knew the only sensible thing for them to do was walk away. You're no use to a toxic person as soon as you start defending your right to autonomy.
You have opinions and thoughts and beliefs. You're smart. You're strong. You're all the things a narcissist hates, and you're all the things their ex ended up being. The same story, that results in you being another 'crazy person' in their life when in fact, you were just being you.
You were never difficult, you just ended up being too strong to be celebrated by the narcissist. They only like people they can control and manipulate.
The second you stop nodding along, you become the problem. And the moment you become the problem, you've basically written your own chapter in their next relationship's origin story.
5 Catching onto the truth looks like this…
Suddenly, you come to realize that the ex didn't overreact at all. They went through something that you're now going through, and you see their response as pretty sane considering they were up against someone who definitely wasn't.
There was no way you could know what you were doing when you met the narcissist, as the truth is never there looking at you at first.
The story about their ex they carry to you makes you feel sorry for the narcissist, but the truth is, it's the ex you should be feeling sorry for. Knowing that can change everything.
Their ex was not a warning sign to the narcissist, they were a warning sign to you.
And when that finally clicks, you stop feeling embarrassed about how long it took you to see it. You just feel a quiet kind of grief for her, and for yourself.
6 The pity trick, and why it worked on you
Think back to the way you felt when the narcissist first told you about their ex. Sad face, quiet voice, maybe a little sigh. "She really did a number on me." And your heart softened, didn't it?
You wanted to be the safe person, the one who finally gave them a break.
That's the whole point. Pity is a shortcut past your judgment. It skips the part where you'd normally ask, "Hang on, why did every single one of your exes turn out to be awful?" Instead, you're already busy planning how to be gentle with them.
I hear this from women all the time. "I just felt so bad for him." Of course you did. You're a decent human being. Decent people rush to comfort someone who looks wounded, and the narcissist knows that better than anyone.
The pity trick worked because your kindness is real. Theirs was the costume. And once you were emotionally invested in healing them, you stopped noticing that you were the one slowly bleeding out.
7 What the ex would probably tell you now
If you could sit down with the ex now, over a coffee, she'd probably look at you with that soft, knowing face and say, "I'm so sorry." Not because she did anything wrong, but because she knows exactly where you are right now.
She'd tell you that you're not imagining any of it. That the confusion is real, the second guessing is real, the tiredness that lives in your bones is real too.
She'd tell you she used to defend him. She used to laugh off the little digs and tell herself she was being sensitive. She'd tell you she also thought she was different, that she could love him into being a better version of himself.
And then she'd probably tell you the thing you don't want to hear. That it doesn't get better. That the version of him you're still hoping will show up isn't coming back, because it was never really there.
She wouldn't say it to scare you. She'd say it because someone should have said it to her.
